by foot it's a slow climb
by Vroomian
Summary: So. Let's get this straight - I didn't set out to derail any plot. My plan was to lay low and stay away from canon. It's just... My plans tend to fail. Spectacularly. (mdzs oc insert. oc/lwj/wwx)
1. in which i am seduced by a library

**by foot, it's a slow climb**

**chapter one. **

**:::**

So. Let's get this straight - I didn't set out to derail any plot. I was a coward of the highest order, and a pragmatist to boot. The second I started hearing about Lans and Sects and Wen Cultivators, I noped right out of the thoughts of glory gained in war. I didn't want to gain fame and become a legend.

Legends suffered.

My second life was pretty much perfect - I was a legitimate sixth son of a tiny cultivator clan. My mother was a pretty, kind woman with a sweet face. My father was a stern man who secretly doted on his sons and loved his wife. They were pretty typical as parents go - I never got a lot of attention, despite being the youngest, but that suited me just fine. I was busy trying to relearn how to walk and freaking out over my brand new male anatomy to want much attention. Like I said - I was the sixth son. I was never in line to be anyone important.

My second childhood was spent cultivating - with average results - and planning out the perfect hideout to wait out the war I knew I was coming.

The problem was: I was the sixth son.

Which meant I had five very annoying older brothers whose personalities ranged from 'loud' to 'very loud.' I was the youngest by five years - a pleasant surprise for my mother; It's even in my personal name: Yan Xǐ - Late Joy. I was the _baby_ — the _smallest_.

The _target_.

Children were the worst.

They say no plan survives contact with the enemy. Well, my plans crumbled along with my will in my twelfth year.

When the invitation came for one of us boys to study at the cloud recesses, I jumped at it. My mother was reluctant, but none of my elder brothers were interested. We were a tiny clan - it was only through my father's connections we had even one invitation. To turn it down would be a terrible insult. My father wouldn't hear of it.

Anywhere was better than dealing with my brothers for one more day. One year away from them sounded like paradise.

Even if it was in the lap of the plot.

I'd have to avoid the hell out of Lan Wangji and Xichen.

Easy enough.

(You'd think I'd learn.

Plans and enemies.)

:::

The Cloud Recesses were incredible. I could hear myself think for once in my goddamn life. The rules were many but straight forward enough. No tripping over cultural boundaries that didn't translate. No more awkward dinner meal being quizzed by Mother about the nice Fa girl down the way. A library to die for. No sight of canon characters anywhere, except for Lan Quiren, and Lan Xichen once.

When the year was over, I was going to _cry_. I really, really was.

I didn't get to know any of my classmates. As I said: Children are the worst. The threat of Lan Quiren kept the Lan kids in line, but the other visiting students hadn't learned enough yet. I was small for my age — still a target.

Still better than being home, though. No one suspected little old me to be petty enough to put snakes in their bed here. My brothers were wise to my vengeful ways by now.

I wasn't at the top of the class or anything. The classes were not hard, but old man Lan was a pretty good teacher. Standing out was an excellent way to paint a target on your back, and I was already one of the youngest people present, a scrawny twelve to everyone else's fifteen and older.

I spent most of the time I wasn't cultivating in the library, reading as many books as I could get my grubby little hands on. By the second month, the Lan librarian/gaurd took pity on me and let me take out a few of the less rare books out so I could read in my off time.

This would prove to be a mistake.

It was a beautiful day to be hiding indoors, away from the group of Jin disciples hunting for trouble. I holed up in an unused room across from the library grounds with a plate of snacks (bland) begged from the kitchens. Today I was making my way through Justice and Punishment: A treatise on the effect of sect rules upon the law in their respective territories. It was thick as hell but interesting.

Did you know that the Wen sect liked to burn people alive?

The more you know.

The door sliding open caught my attention. I glanced up, wary at the thought of those stupid Jins finding my hiding place, and then froze.

It was not a Jin.

Instead, it was the prettiest boy I've ever seen. He was probably the same age as I was, but infinitely more ethereal. He was carrying a fancy looking guqin.

His eyes were a shocking pale gold.

Lan Wangji stared right back at me.

_Uh_.

Maybe he'll go away if I ignore him?

...That would probably be too rude. The goal was indifference, not animosity.

"Do you want to use the room?" I asked. "I can move if you want."

Lan Wangji hesitated. "You were here first. I shall find another place."

Great! Problem solved!

I nod and turn back to my scroll.

Lan Wangji remained standing in the doorway, like a shadow of doom hanging in the corner of my eye. The seconds ticked by in total silence.

I broke first.

I looked up and met Lan Wangji's eyes. "...Can I help you?"

Lan Wangji startled, his spine going ramrod straight, and his eyes jerking from my book to meet my gaze. "Removing books from the library without permission is prohibited."

"Good thing I have permission then," I said, and held up the jade token the librarian/guard gave me.

Lan Wangji's body language went even straighter, but he didn't leave. He had one hell of a poker face for a kid. "You are reading Justice and Punishment."

That wasn't a question. "Yes, Lan-gōngzǐ."

"It is old fashioned and out of date. The better option would be the essay by Jiang WuJin. It is much more in-depth and more recent. It should be located in the same part of the library."

I blinked at him.

Wasn't he twelve? Like, actually twelve, unlike me.

Did twelve-year-olds read law treaties?

"...I'll keep that in mind," I said at last. "Thanks?"

Lan Wangji nodded sharply once, then turned and left as quietly as he came. The door shut quietly behind him.

Huh.

That was... interesting.

At least my first personal brush with a canon character was short.

Hopefully, it would be the last.

**:::**

It wasn't. Of course not.

It was like a dam bursting. Suddenly Lan Wangji was _everywhere_. The second I sat down to read, or study, or do anything - there he was. I'd accuse him of following me, but honestly - why the hell would he? I wasn't precisely important enough to stalk.

It just... kept happening. That was the reason I wasn't surprised when the door opened in the room I was practicing my calligraphy in, and Lan Wangji stood there.

He gave me a flat stare.

I glanced at the guqin in his arms and sighed inwardly. "Do you want to practice here?"

He nodded.

There really was no getting out of this, was there?

"If you don't mind, we can share the room," I said.

Lan Wangji hesitated. "Do not want to be a distraction."

I snort. "I have five older brothers. My concentration won't be a problem; trust me."

I've learned to read through pretty much everything that wasn't directly threatening and had, in fact, almost missed being on fire that one time.

Lan Wangji's face was still hard to read, but from the way his fingers flexed, I could tell he was unsure. I was getting better at understanding him.

"It's up to you," I said with a shrug and went back to my calligraphy. I was copying out the rules.

Lan Wangji finally stepped into the room and closed the door behind him.

"I'm Yan Xǐ, courtesy name Ruìzhì," I said, bowing from my seat. "It's nice to meet you."

"...Lan Zhan. Courtesy Wangji."

**:::**

It became a thing, studying together. Whenever Lan Wangji stumbled across me in an unused room, I made space for his guqin. It was almost pleasant, having some background music again. I missed the internet. Having Lan Wangji around was like having my very own Lo-Fi Beats to Study and Relax too.

Lan Wangji and I rarely spoke to each other. Once in a while, he'd take a break from the more difficult pieces and share one of my snacks or make a quiet comment on the book I was reading. He was quickly the most tolerable preteen I've ever met.

The year passed quietly by, and I could feel the end of my time in the cloud recesses creeping up on me.

I stared down at my book without really seeing it. One more month, and I would go back home.

I sighed and slumped, pressing my head to the table.

The guqin playing broke off.

Whoops, I forgot Lan Wangji was here.

I turned to look at him without lifting my head. "Sorry."

He turned back to his guqin. "Mn. What is wrong?"

I sighed again. "The guest disciples are going home soon."

Lan Wangji picked a few notes. "And?"

"I'm not looking forward to leaving is all."

I liked the cloud recesses. The air was clean, the atmosphere was quiet, and the food wasn't as bad as everyone said it was. I loved my new family well enough, but honestly? I wasn't the type of person who missed people. Either people were there, or they weren't. Out of sight, out of mind. They were friendly people, even my brothers, but they could also be a _lot_ to deal with.

A discordant note startled me out of my thoughts.

I sat up. "Lan Wangji?"

Lan Wangji stared down with narrowed eyes at the guqin. "You are a guest disciple?"

"...Yes? Did you not know?"

"You had a token for the library. Also copying the rules. Guest disciples do not care for the rules."

"I like to read, and practice calligraphy," My mouth answered on autopilot. "Lan Wangji, did you think I was a new disciple to the sect? A permanent one?"

Lan Wangji glared down at his guqin. "Wearing the uniform correctly."

"...It was in the manual, though?"

He remained stubbornly silent.

I tried to think of something to say.

Why did I feel so bad all of a sudden? It wasn't like I lied to Lan Wangji. It wasn't _my_ fault he just assumed I was staying forever.

The quiet stretched to uncomfortable levels. I had no idea what Lan Wangji was thinking about - only that he was unhappy about something.

Lan Wangji finally looked up and pinned me with an intense stare. "Do not want to go home."

"Not really?" I said automatic honesty. "I like it here. It's peaceful." My cultivation has improved in leaps and bounds in the year I've been here.

Lan Wangji nodded decisively. He gathered up all his music and his guqin in the blink of an eye, stood up, and made his way to the door. "Will talk to brother."

"Talk to your - about what? Lan Wangji, talk to your brother about what? Lan Wangji! _Hey_!"

But Lan Wangji was not listening anymore. He swept out of the room without even closing the door.

I stared at his retreating back. "...The hell was that about?"

**:::**

I figured it out soon enough.

Lan Xichen invited me to his office the next day. It was just as clean and minimalist as the rest of the cloud recesses. I sat gingerly while a young servant poured tea for the man sitting across from me and then for myself.

His gentle smile did nothing to set me at ease. Neither did his polite conversation. I did my best to channel Lan Wangji and be monosyllabic as possible. I liked precisely nothing about this situation. I didn't have a single clue why Lan Xichen would want to talk to me.

"I spoke to Wangji about your request," Lan Xichen said.

_What_ request?

"Mn," I said noncommittally.

Lan Xichen's eyes crinkled with the force of his smile. "You sound like Wangji. I have to say that I'm glad to see him making friends his age finally. I worry about him as an older brother."

...Was I Lan Wangji's friend? We spent a lot of time together, but we didn't _talk_ about anything. He recommended books for me to read, and I did the same. I shared my snacks with him. Sometimes he showed me how to play a particularly tricky piece on the guqin. Sometimes we debated the particular meaning of a rule in good nature spirit.

Holy shit. We _were_.

Lan Wangji was my friend.

Lan Wangji was, in fact, my _only_ friend.

I somehow befriended Lan Wangji a full three years before Wei Wuxian even showed up in the cloud recesses.

I kept my horror hidden with a bland expression. "That is kind of you, Lan-xiānshēng"

He laughed, and it lit up his already pretty face. Good grief, the Lan men put everyone else to shame. "You don't have to be so distant, Yan Ruìzhì. Any friend of Wangji may call me Xichen-ge."

I would _literally_ rather die.

Lan Xichen gives me an amused glance like he can read the thought. Maybe he can. God knows he has practice with Lan Wangji. "Yan Ruìzhì, I would be honored to offer you a permanent place within GusuLan."

Oh. That's what Lan Wangji was talking about.

_What_?

S-so I don't have to go back home? Could I be an actual disciple?

Could I get access to the restricted section?

On the one hand, the cannon. On the other hand, my desire to stay in the cloud recesses. Stay here in the clouds, or go home and go back to being the baby of the family.

Go back and stagnate. Stay and improve.

Lan Xichen continued. "I understand if you need time to think about the offer. It's a big choice -"

"I accept," I said.

There really was no contest.

Lan Xichen blinked, then smiled again. "I'm glad to hear that. Shall I send a letter to your family?"

"Please," I said, heart hammering.

There was no way they'd say no. Being personally asked to join a big clan like the Lan was an honor, even more than being invited as a guest. Mom would be over the moon. Dad would be gruff but proud.

Fuck the plot.

I was going to stay.

**:::**

After clearing up a few more things, such as where I would move too, and receiving an order for a proper set of uniforms, Lan Xichen went off to write a letter to my parents and I left the office.

Lan Wangji was waiting outside the door, his posture perfect as always.

I eyed him.

He said nothing.

"Guess I'm not going home after all," I said.

It was still hard to read him, but I thought I saw his hands relax slightly.

"You should call me Ruìzhì," I said.

He blinked.

I shrugged. "We're friends, aren't we?"

"...Mn."

"Can I call you Wangji?"

Lan Wangji nodded once.

I smiled. "Excellent. Will you show me to the tailors? I need to get my new uniforms."

Wangji's smile was tiny, but it lit up his face, much like his brother's had. "Mn. Follow."

I did.

**:::**

**baby LWJ seeing another quiet kid reading an incredibly dense book: friend-shaped?**

**LXC: ! ! ! A friend! Go for it! :):):):):):D**

**YRZ: why are people hanging around me? Don't you know it's unpleasant? Stop?**

**:::**

**晏 Yàn - late / quiet**

**睿智 - Ruìzhì - wise and farsighted**

**禧 - Xǐ - joy**

**Personal name: Quiet/late joy**

**Courtesy name: Quiet, wise, and farsighted.**

**(AUTHORS NOTE: extremely minor edit 2/15/2020. just changed it from using birthnames to something a bit more formal. like. not even lxc uses lwj's birth name? not everyone's as shameless as wwx)**


	2. It's raining men (and the plot says get

**by foot it's a slow climb**

**chapter two**

**:::**

One thing cultivation has taught me is how to be zen. When stupid bullshit drama happens - and it happens, oh my god, even among the Lan - I can just let it roll right on by and wave as it passes. Three years after I joined Gusu, I was holding on to that calm with my fingernails.

The plot was going to happen soon.

I had six months before the next round of guest disciples wandered into Gusu. I avoided the hell out of the previous two years guests - especially the Jins. They hadn't forgotten the... situation... when I was a guest disciple myself. The whole thing seemed to have spread out through osmosis to the entire younger generation.

We've settled on a mutual nonaggression pact, it seemed.

Anyway.

I was zen. I was calm. I was...

Okay, I was freaking out a little - but only on the inside. My outward expression remained in the patented Lan Resting Bitch Face. It took a year of careful study of Wangji and Old Man Lan to perfect it, but I did get it down eventually.

It worked exceptionally well as a people deterrent. I was very proud of myself for figuring it out.

The library pavilion was empty at this time of day. The rest of the Lan disciples were in classes or meditating by the libraries. By being the only friend of the heir's brother, I was able to dodge the seated courses in favor of 'self-study.' Ah, favoritism. I have to love it when it works out in my favor.

It helped that I was studying. Not, like what the teachers wanted or anything - I already memorized all the rules. I didn't need a refresher, thanks - but still. Studying.

The Cloud Recesses had been under siege before. The balance of Wen/Jin/Jiang/Lan was just that - a balance. When the power dynamics got screwed up, people do what people do: try to take advantage. It was only that the current power balance had lasted over one hundred years now, and everyone had forgotten it wasn't going to last forever.

Therefore: There must be contingency plans.

Wards. Escape routes. _Something_.

Screw the plot. There was no way I was going to let a bunch of morons _burn books _for their delusions of power. Disgusting.

Nearly silent steps caught my attention. I glanced up when Wanji stopped by my table but didn't sit down.

"You're late," I said, leaning my head on my hands. It was only for five minutes or so, but even that much was strange for the second Jade of Gusu.

Side note: I cannot believe _the elders_ use those stupid nicknames for a fourteen-year-old and a seventeen-year-old. I know they do - I've heard them! Talk about unhealthy pressure.

I have to thank whatever gods may be for my being born a nobody from nowhere. The attention Lan Wangji got would've spooked me out of Gusu faster than you could say 'a plus parenting skills.'

(... I really, _really_ lucked out with my rebirth by snagging the only functional parental units in the whole damn universe.

Even my annoying brothers were just regular annoying, not traumatizing.

Maybe I should go home for a bit and say hi.)

Wangji merely stared down at me.

Ah, one of those days, huh?

Sometimes Wangji had trouble putting his words together. The only thing to do was wait until he found the right combination. I was much better at reading him at almost two years of friendship. _Something_ was bothering him. He'd tell me when he was ready and not a moment before. Trying to get information out of Lan Zhan was like pulling teeth. I could push, but that wasn't the kind of relationship we had. Ours was a friendship of companionable silence.

"Sit," I said. I wasn't going anywhere.

Wangji shifted. "Cannot. Come to say goodbye."

"Goodbye?"

"Brother allowed it," He sounded almost defensive. "Will not see you. Seclusion."

I raise my eyebrows at Lan Zhan. "You're going into seclusion?"

"Mn."

"How long?"

"A year."

I sat up. "...That's a _long-ass_ time, Wangji."

He gave me a tiny frown. "Do not swear."

At fifteen, Wangji's radiant youth was slowly transitioning to a beauty that could bring down a nation. It was like a light came from within him. The story I remembered had a thousand adaptations, but not a single one of them captured just how _pretty_ the second Jade of Gusu was.

It was hell on my hormones.

I waved that away, standing up, and studying my friend's perfect face. "Did the elders put you up to this? A year is a long time for a fourteen-year-old. Even Lan-shixiong didn't do more than a few months when he was our age."

Wangji stared down at me for a moment before taking a tiny step back. Ah, too close? Just like his words, Wangji's personal bubble had fluctuations in it. Some days he didn't mind if I knocked my shoulder into his, but some days even five feet of space was too little.

I took a step back as well and gave him an apologetic look, but he wasn't looking at me anymore. He stared down at the ground; the tips of his ears were faintly pink. "No elders. Personal reasons. Uncle approved."

Hm. Even if Lan Qiren's parenting skills left much to desire, he definitely wouldn't endorse anything that would hurt Wangji's cultivation permanently.

Wangji wouldn't lie.

...It was probably fine, then?

"Well, if teacher Lan says it's okay…" I shrugged. "Have fun with that, I suppose. If anyone can do it, Wangji can. I was planning to be out of the Cloud Recesses for a little bit anyway, and I guess this gives me even more reason."

Wangji looked up. "Night hunts?"

"Yeah. I might as well do something productive while waiting for you."

A crease formed between his eyebrows. "Who."

I blinked. "Who… am I talking with me?"

"Mn."

A fair enough question. A year ago, Wangji and I passed the test to lead our night hunts. I'd mostly gone out with him as a partner. I wasn't close to anyone else in Gusu. They all gave me weird looks I couldn't understand sometimes, especially the younger students.

I shrugged again. "No one. I got a pass to go solo like a month ago."

GusuLan has a series of tests for disciples to pass to prove their competence. There were four in total: one to show that a disciple was ready to go on hunts as part of a group under the supervision of a senior disciple, one to go out in groups without a senior disciple, one to go out in pairs without supervision, and the last one to go out on solo hunts.

Wangji and I both passed the third test about a couple of months ago, and we've been in and out of the Cloud Recesses as a consequence. Contrary to my dislike of fighting, I enjoyed night hunting. It was a tangible way of solving a problem and making people's lives better.

I wasn't the do-gooder type, but night hunts were satisfying.

Wangji stared at me, face flat but somehow displeased. "Did not inform me."

"I figured your brother would tell you. Lan-shixiong is the one who did my practical."

The fourth test was a three-part test — first, the written, which was about one hundred questions long and covered basic situations and talismans. The second part was a sort of survival test, where foraging and natural remedies were important. The third was a physical where I had to hold my own against a senior disciple for ten full minutes.

I swear to god that when Lan XiChen was revealed to be my opponent, my life flashed before my eyes. He wasn't called the First Jade for nothing.

"Your brother was scary, Wangji," I complained. "It felt like he was trying to kill me for real. He didn't go easy on me at all. My bruises had bruises."

"Cannot go easy on you. Dangerous outside Gusu," Wangji said. "You fought brother and passed?"

"Yeah."

He stared at me, and I stared back at him. There was some intense eye contact going on.

I guess it was the staring contest time?

Okay.

Finally, Wangji looked away. "I will work harder."

Harder at _what_?

Sometimes I don't get him. I still knew better than to ask by now, though. Wangji said all he was going to say on the subject.

"Of course," I agreed anyway. Wangji was very hardworking by nature.

"Must return to uncle."

"Alright," I smiled at him. "I'll see you in a year. Oh, will you be able to get letters? I can send some while I'm out."

Wangji looked almost conflicted. "... Will ask my brother to deliver them."

I'm struck with the sudden urge to hug Wangji, my kind, awkward friend, but I push it down. He doesn't like physical contact. I try to accommodate that and only touch him on days where he can stand it. I was reluctant to get involved with him at first because of the whole plot thing, but he grew on me like some beautiful fungus. Wei Wuxian called him too good, and it was pretty much right. Wangji was just too good.

"I'll write to you," I promise.

Wangji's shoulders relaxed the tiniest bit. "Mn. One year."

"One year," I agree. "I'll see you then."

**:::**

Lan Xichen was the only one to see me off - which is one more person than I expected. The only thing I did to notify the sect I was leaving at all was submitting the paperwork for a year-long training trip, something that let the sect know I wasn't going rogue.

"Are you sure you're ready for this?" He asked, that worried elder brother tone in his voice. It was enough to make anyone guilty.

Fortunately, I'd built up an immunity. "I'll be fine. I've been on night hunts before."

"Yes, I remember," Lan Xichen said. "How long did you spend in the medical ward last time? Three weeks?"

Ah. Right.

"A week. I only got a _little_ impaled," I said. "The other two weeks were just because it was interesting seeing how the healers used spiritual energy."

Now Lan Xichen just looked like he was laughing at me. "Of course. Remember to write every other week at least. Do you have enough money? If you ever need more, send me a message, and I'll have more arranged. Do you need more talismans? Or sword oil? Make sure you take care of your blade."

Efforts at not being adopted by Lan Xichen: a _miserable_ failure.

It was hard to be mean to him! He was just too lovely! Too sincere! Please stop, Xichen-ge, your fragile shidi can't take it!

It made my _teeth ache_.

"I'll be fine," I patted the sword on my back. "I have Sānshēng Yǒuxìng with me."

It was a beautiful sword from the same forge in my hometown that all my family used. The design was clean and straightforward, with no flashy engravings or designs. My parents did know me.

Yeah, I named my sword 'incredibly lucky.' Well, to be accurate, a direct translation would be 'three lifetimes of blessings.' It was a mouthful, but I loved it.

If Wei Wuxian got to name his sword something stupid, so did I.

Besides, I needed all the damn luck I could get.

Lan Xichen laughed. "Sansheng is a good sword, but I worry."

I roll my eyes. "I'll be fine. Go do your job," I made shooing motions at Lan Xichen. "Don't you have a sect to run? Go do important, leaderly things."

"Are you not part of the sect I must care for?" Lan Xichen asked, amused.

"I'm just one student, Lan-shixiong, and you have more important things to worry about," I hurried on before he could say something teeth-rotting nice about me. "I want to make it to the next town over before nightfall, so I do need to go. I'll write to you in a week. Give your uncle my regards."

"Not Wangji?"

"I already said bye to him."

Lan Xichen smiled. "Of course you did."

I drew my sword with a twitch of my fingers and made it hover by my feet. God, cultivation was so cool. If nothing else ever makes up for being reborn, being able to _fucking fly_ was good enough for me.

Lan Xichen sighed. "Very well. You and Wangji are both growing up so quickly. Be safe. Wangji will be very upset if you get hurt like last time."

I waved off the concern and stepped onto Sansheng Youxing. "I'll be fine. I never make the same mistake twice. I'll probably get injured in some new and interesting ways! I might get cursed or something next time. That'd be fun."

I could test out my ability to heal myself with spiritual energy.

An alarmed look crossed Lan Xichen's pretty face. "Ruizhi, maybe this isn't such a good idea-"

"See you in a year!" I yelled out, already taking off.

Freedom!

**:::**

Time passed in a blur. I decided on a spiral outward from Cayi town, working out in the more rural areas that didn't see many cultivators. The people were grateful to have some help, and I fought some pretty fascinating malevolent creatures. I sent back letters every other week for Wangji, letting him know what I was doing and how much fun I was having.

I never got any letters back, but that was fine. I was having too much fun to care about much. This new life was so full of magic my old world never had. In my past life, everything was explained and explored.

No more worlds left to conquer and all that jazz.

That's not to say there weren't some annoyances to night hunting. Mostly in the form of other sects. If a cultivator from one sect stumbled into a hunt in another sects territory, it was customary to inform the sect what exactly went down so everyone could be satisfied nobodies t.

If they weren't going to take care of their territory, did they deserve to keep it? Inquiring minds wanted to know.

Looking at you, LanlingJin.

Fucking politics. Politics were the reason I was making my way (downtown) up the stairs to Carp Tower. I chased a vicious ghost across territory lines between Gusu and Lanling. It was an intelligent ghost - I got the impression that it crossed lines like that on purpose. Probably counting on the cultivators chasing it to be too worried about boundary lines to continue with the hunt, which left the ghost-free to keep terrorizing its little area of influence.

I killed it super dead.

Better to ask forgiveness than permission.

Now here I was, on the steps leading up the Jins' eyesore of a tower at dusk. I swear it looked even more vulgar and pretentious than usual. Who used that many gold decorations? Who arranged poppies next to marigolds?

Who _gilded_ the steps to their tower?

_Morons_, that's who.

I was so busy thinking about how much money was wasted on the steps that I completely blanked out.

A flicker of cloth caught my eye.

My hand shot out without permission and snatched it up.

Something heavy thumped into my chest. I steadied myself automatically with Sansheng as a counterbalance, and that's the only reason I didn't fall back down the stairs.

I blinked down at the boy in my arms.

He was trembling like a leaf, and his hands fisted in my uniform. He wore a roughspun tunic favored by the ordinary people, and his hair was disheveled. His eyes were wide, and his face pale. I set him down on his feet and gently untangled his hands from my uniform. A bit of blood trickled down from a cut on his forehead.

A spark of spiritual power was enough to heal the cut without a scar. It was the first time I used my spiritual power to heal anyone other than myself. It felt kind of like pushing my way through molasses. Was that because the young man was a Civilian, or did it always feel like that?

"Be more careful in the future, Sir," I said. "That could've been a nasty fall."

The young man opened his mouth, but nothing came out.

I gently moved him out of the way. Usually, I'd stick around and make sure he was okay, but I didn't want to spend any more time in Lanling than I had too. I swear it had a stink to it, and I didn't need the smell of money clinging to my clothes.

Wangji would probably smell it on me and Disprove in my general direction.

I'd have to leave my report with a deputy or senior disciple and book it before anyone I couldn't run away from noticed. Please direct any questions to Lan Xichen of Gusu.

His brotherly protectiveness could finally do something useful for me!

Sometimes, I wonder where my optimism comes from.

I barely clear the top of the steps before I run into Sect Leader Jin. He blinked at me, clearly startled as I felt.

Mechanically, I execute a perfect bow. "Respect to Sect Leader Jin. This disciple is called Yan Xi, courtesy name Ruizhi."

_Sansheng, you're useless. _

I see a broad, incredibly fake smile break out over his face. "Such a polite young man! No need, no need. Come, straighten up. What brings a member of GusuLan to my humble tower? Did the invitations make it on time after all?"

I saluted again. "Begging Sect Leader Jin's pardon, this disciple regrets that he has been night hunting for the last year, and is not familiar with any invitations GusuLan may have gotten."

"Night hunting by yourself?" Jin Guangshan blinked. "How old are you, young man?"

"Replying to sect Leader Jin, This disciple has just turned fourteen."

"Fourteen, hmm. Two years younger than my son. You must be very accomplished to have gained Lan Qiren's permission to be out and about by yourself." He gave me a thoughtful look. "Yan Ruizhi, was it?"

Danger, Will Robinson!

I already hate this conversation and everything about it. I duck my head like a bashful kid to hide the grimace on my face. "Sect Leader Jin is too kind. Teacher Lan allowed me to be promoted based on my essays. I owe him so much."

"Essays?"

Hah, you fool! You've activated my trap card: Extremely Boring Academic Conversation!

I beamed up at him. "Oh, yes! You see, I did a comparative essay on the benefits of closed-door cultivation versus periodic trips to the cold springs and closed-door cultivation. You see -"

He lasts fifteen minutes of endless jargon, which was impressive. Even Lan Xichen only lasted ten the last time I had to use this spiel on him.

(It didn't work on Lan Qiren at all. He spoke fluent academic-ese and, in fact, beat me at my own game the last time I tried.

I wasn't lying about the essay. I had written it. It was a consequence of bringing my idea to Lan Qiren's attention and him being interested.)

"That's all quite fascinating," Jin Guangshan lies. "But if you didn't receive the invitation, why have you come?"

"Ah," I said as if I'd forgotten something. I bowed again. "My apologies, Sect leader Jin! I came to report on a hunt I finished. It crossed the border of Gusu into Lanling territory, so I thought I should come to make a report to LanlingJin."

"Gusu does deserve its reputation for being the most diligent. Did you come from the border for that? It's of no consequence," He waved it away. "Well, no matter the reason why you're here, I can't let you go without showing some hospitality. It's a night of celebration, after all!"

Fuck.

There's no way out of that without being unbearably rude. I am once again trapped by my worst foe: societal conventions.

"Of course, if Sect Leader Jin insists, this disciple can't refuse," I said reluctantly. "May this one ask what the celebration is for?"

Jin Guanshan waved one of his attendants forward. "Set up a table for our young guest by the other young men." He smiled down at me. "My heir Jin Zixuan has just turned sixteen today. Perhaps the two of you will get along in the future."

Numb, I salute. "It would be an honor for this disciple."

The rest of the night is a blur. I remember greeting and being ignored by Jin Zixuan. I remember being glared at by most of the younger Jin and ignored by the drunken older ones. Jin Guangshan arranged a room for me in Carp tower without asking. I didn't bother arguing. Instead, I removed Sansheng from my back and collapsed into bed without moving the covers.

I stared sightlessly up at the ceiling.

Jin Zixuan's birthday. Sect Leader Jin was hanging out at the top of the steps. The boy was falling — the forehead wound.

Maybe I'm wrong.

Maybe boys fell down the steps to Carp tower all the time.

Maybe my timing isn't _that_ freaking awful.

I drag a hand down my face. "God. Fucking. Dammit."

**:::**

**Lwj feeling physical attraction towards yrz : hmmm don't like that**

**Lwj: time to do the reasonable thing and hide from my only friend for a year**

:::

**Canon characters: three**

**Yrz: Zero.**

**:::**

**about the timeline here... I think it works? jgy went to lanling when he was fourteen, and it was on jzx's birthday. i always pictured jzx and jgy as around the same age, with jgy as the younger one. jzx and jyl are around the same age and we know that jyl is older than wwx by a few years, which puts jzx at about seventeen around the gusu arc, while wwx is fifteen. *shrugs* it works. **

**also, fun fact: i didn't plan on having yrz meet jgy for years yet. the characters in question had other plans**

**Poor yrz. His timing really is that fuck awful.**

**Next chapter: Home again home again - what the hell is that thing in the water? Also, hi wwx. **


	3. It's raining men redux

**by foot it's a slow climb**

**:::**

It took me three full weeks to extract myself from Jin Guangshan's sticky hands. He kept pushing Jin Zixuan at me with every opportunity.

_Why?_

First Lan Wangji and Lan Xichen, now Jin Guangshan - did I have 'good friend for clan heirs' stamped across my forehead? I was a nobody from a family of nobodies, totally unsuited to befriending your only legitimate child and heir! Please have mercy on me, Sec Leader Jin!

If I wasn't a boy in this life, I'd think Jin Guangshan was trying to see if Jin Zixuan could, like, woo me or something. As it was...

I think he was _trying to recruit me_.

During those three weeks, I fully embraced the head-shaker method. Selective obliviousness was where it was at. Jin Guangshan could hint at all the things he wanted, but until he said it straight out, I was immune. I was thick as a bag of bricks. I was as oblivious as a harem protagonist!

I don't know, I don't know, I _really _don't know.

On the third day of the second week, Jin Zixuan leveled me with a suspicious glare. We were taking tea together in the garden at Jin Guanshan's behest while he was off doing sect leader things, aka getting laid, which. Gross. Most of the girls I saw around were just _barely _older than me. I sat at the low table and fantasized about hopping the garden wall and making a break for it. While Wangji was the stronger of the two of us, I outstripped him in speed. I could be gone before anyone could say 'that was incredibly rude'.

"I know who you are," Jin Zixuan announced.

"We were introduced at your birthday, Young Master Jin," I said, voice despondent.

He flushed, and scowled at me. "I meant, I know _who you are_. Four of my cousins shaved their heads and became monks after they came back from the Cloud Recesses because of _you_. Just what the hell did you do to make all my cousins so weird? _No one _will tell me what happened."

Shaved their heads and became monks?

Geez. Talk about an overreaction.

Those sex-workers were perfectly nice young men, and the thing with the cats was just pure speculation. I admit the thing with the ghoul and the flower seller might have been a little traumatic, though.

"God wouldn't want me to repeat it, Young Master Jin," I pushed some of the sweets around with my chopsticks, disinterested. How the hell would I get out of here without sparking a sect war of some kind?

Jin Zixuan managed to step over the low, low bar of being more tolerable than his father, but I didn't exactly want to hang around him. Looking at a sixteen year old and knowing that he'd be dead before his son's first birthday…

Felt bad.

To put it lightly.

_Ugh_.

It didn't help that the poor kid had no real friends. He was an arrogant asshole, but he was also excluded from all the dumb things teenagers do by virtue of his position as the heir. He gravitated towards me, despite my being nearly three years younger than him because he wasn't ever going to be in charge of me.

My opportunity to get the hell out of dodge came with the arrival of Madame Yu, there to visit her friend. With the hustle and bustle of receiving an important lady - and her daughter, apparently - I used the excuse of getting out of the Jin's way to take my leave. I asked Jin Zixuan to give my regrets to his father for being unable to say goodbye in person. Jin Guangshan was… busy. Again. Some more.

Ew.

(So fucking glad I got _my _parents, you have no idea.)

At the news of Jiang Yanli's presence, Jin Zixuan's face went pale, and then incredibly stormy.

"You're going out night hunting for a year?" He asked. "Maybe I should escort you. Just to the border."

"Or," my mouth said without input from my brain. "You could stay here and actually get to know your fiance, instead of running away like a coward?" I said, you know, like a hypocrite. I was always running away. Big fan of cowardice, me.

He gaped at me.

"But that's not any of my business," I saluted quickly. "Goodbye, Young master Jin."

Then I booked it down the steps as fast as I could without breaking Gusu rules against running. I would've flown away if it wasn't considered incredibly rude to unsheathe your sword in towns or at sects you're not a part of. It'd be stupid to start a war on my way out.

I made it out of Lanling as fast as humanly possible, hopped on Sansheng, and fled until I was back over the border to Gusu territory.

I let out a long breath the second I crossed the invisible line into Gusu.

Please, I begged the universe. No more Jins.

**:::**

Yan Ruizhi uses denial!

It's super effective!

Which is to say that I just kind of pushed that whole disastrous trip to Carp tower so far down it fell out of my brain. Jin Guangshan? Never heard of him. Jin Zixuan? Pssh. Meng Yao? Suddenly I can't read!

If it works, it works.

I spent the remainder of my year on the outskirts of Gusu territory, juuuust far enough to be a month or two late getting back when the year ended. Six months after leaving Carp Tower, and a year and three months after leaving, I rolled back into Caiyi town.

It was all part of my brilliant plan of avoiding the hell out of the plot.

Wei Wuxian and Wangji needed to meet each other - I wasn't selfish enough to begrudge Wangji that kind of love, no matter how much pain it caused him. The two of them were a once in a lifetime kind of love.

I just didn't want to third-wheel their weird little not-love affair for three months.

It was still a relief to be back. I was tired and sore - in a good way. Constant night hunting forced my cultivation to grow, but didn't leave much room for rest. The food outside the cloud recesses was definitely better, but I missed the library. I had a few texts to add to it, and there were some things I wanted to double check .

But first, food.

I finished paying for some vegetarian buns when a huge ruckus went up. People whispered and glanced over at the lake. I approached a flower seller chatting with her neighbor. "Excuse me, sister, do you know what's going on?"

The middle aged woman smiled. "Such a sweet tongue on you boy. There's something going down at the lake. There's been some water ghouls making trouble, and the cultivators decided to take care of it today. Only something must have gone wrong, because the cultivators were fighting something and my cousin's boy was there when it started. He said it didn't look like any water ghoul he's ever seen." The woman laughed. "Of course, we don't have anything to worry about."

"Oh?"

"The Twin Jades of Gusu were present."

I blinked. What, both of them?

That was kind of overkill.

The woman continued on,"Of course those two young men would be able to take care of everything! Say, young man, have you ever seen our Twin Jades? They really are as beautiful as they say. Why, if I was twenty years younger -"

A woman across the way laughed. "You'd still be ten years too old, A-Yang."

The woman huffed, but she was clearly amused. "As if you aren't two years my senior!"

Had I... seen them? I glanced down at myself - right. I forgot I wasn't wearing my uniform. Turns out being a teenager means growth spurts. I woke up a month ago and found I could barely fit into any of my clothes. A quick stop at a tailor saw me with clothes that fit, if poorly, but without the white of gusu I looked like just another fifteen year old.

I thanked the flower seller, bought a bouquet of red and white peonies, and headed towards the river. On the way I started to absentmindedly braid the flowers into a crown. The crown goes on my head, and I start on a second. Could I get Wangji to wear it? Probably not. Lan Xichen might humor me though, and they look so similar it might as well be the same thing.

I made it to the lake in less than five minutes; just in time to see the whole class of cultivators take to the sky - and something _massive _rise up from the water.

I dropped the bouquet.

What the fuck was _that_? I could almost taste the resentful energy, even from the shore. It reminded me of the creature I hunted on my last night-hunt, only ten times worse.

Oh shit, that disciple was still down on the boats - where the hell was his sword?

I summon Senshang, but there was no way I would make it in time -

One of the people in the air dove down, his ponytail a black streak behind him, towards the boy in the boat. Two other figures dove down after him.

The creature reared back.

(Why was I getting deja vu?)

The first one snatched up the boy in the boat, took off into the air just as the creature crashed down on the boat. It splintered. I let out a breath of relief when they gain enough air to be out of the water monster's reach.

Then the boy who got saved _pushed the other boy off into the water. _

My body moved without input from my brain. Sansheng under my feet, I raced after the boy. The disciples still in the air were too far away. None of them would make it. I had a straight shot, and I was already halfway there. If I was fast enough, I could get myself underneath him in time.

I'm pretty fucking fast.

One split second before the boy hit the water, I was underneath him with my arms outstretched. I barely braced myself in time.

The boy crashed into me

Sansheng dipped when I staggered back, and the hilt broke the surface of the water. Something black twisted around it and started to pull.

Here's something a non-cultivator wouldn't understand. Holding another person up on your blade wasn't like holding someone up normally. The weight wasn't linear addition. The weight was exponential, and every second made it more and more difficult to hold the blade up.

With something pulling downwards at the same time, most cultivators wouldn't have been able to get _any _height with a second person on their blade.

The black mass rose from the water again.

We were in the center of it.

I grit my teeth.

Flying was a matter of concentration.

I had roughly a metric fuck ton of concentration. I pulled the boy closer to me with one hand and focused on Sansheng, pulling up with all my will. Forget the monster. Forget the boy pressed against my chest, heart hammering so hard I could feel it against my skin. Forget I was coming off a difficult year of night hunting, and I was fucking exhausted. Forget the little voice in the back of my head screaming at me, and the weird feeling of deja vu. It wasn't important.

I

Was

Going

_UP. _

Sansheng strained. The black mass blocked out the sky - then began to fall down towards us.

A hand pressed against my chest and spiritual energy flooded my body.

"Go!" The boy shouted over the screaming mass.

It was enough. Sansheng jerked up, snapping whatever it caught on.

The black mass was still surrounding us, but so long as I was free, I could get us out.

"Hold on," I shouted.

"What - whoa!"

I poured my energy into Sansheng and took off like a rocket, water blasting apart behind us. The black tendrils snapped down, but I dodged them one after the other. It was a bit of fucking majestic flying, if I say so myself. I spiraled out of the center of the mass, into the open air, and out of the monster's reach.

"Huh," the boy said weakly, still leaning against my chest. His hair tickled my nose. "That was fun. You, uh. You fly well."

Ha.

I didn't get a chance to reply before a streak of white and black arrived.

Lan Wangji - oh, that was an unhappy look.

The boy and I spoke at the same time.

"Wangji, I can explain -"

"Lan Zhan, did you see what happened -"

I stopped, blinking at the boy. "Lan Zhan?"

The boy stared at me, grey eyes wide. "Wangji?"

Pony tail. Monster on the lake. Both Jades on the same night hunt, along with guest disciples. This boy, shamelessly calling Wangji by his personal name -

_Wei Wuxian?_

Did I just fucking damsel _the __protagonist_?

Why does this keep happening to me?

_Sansheng! Please! Just a little bit of luck, I'm begging you!_

Wei Wuxian recovered quicker than I did, and shot a beaming smile at me. Oh, wow, that was a good look on him. Just like Wangji was prettier than all those stories could depict, Wei Wuxian was _nice _to look at. He really was handsome - Wangji had taste, at least. "_You're _Lan Zhan's imaginary friend? I didn't expect you to be so cute! Or so strong. Thanks for the save, A-Xi!"

Imaginary friend?

_Cute?_

I glanced at Wangji - to find him with a tiny crease between his eyebrows. What was he upset about?

That was when I realized that I still had Wei Wuxian pressed up against my chest. His hands were tangled in my belt, and my arm was wrapped around his waist. He was leaning heavily on me, despite being taller, and I could feel his breath on my neck -

_NOPE. Abort, abort, abort!_

"No problem," I said. "And don't call me A-Xi." Then I shoved Wei Wuxian off my sword and into Wangji's arms without any warning.

Wei Wuxian yelped, and latched on to Wangji instead.

Wangji blinked at his armful of protagonist. He glanced at me, an almost alarmed look on his face. "Ruizhi?"

"I'm tired," I said. It wasn't even a lie. I could feel the exhausting hitting me like a brick to the head. I used up most of my energy getting away, even with the infusion Wei Wuxian gave me. "I was flying all day just to get here, you know."

Wangji frowned at me. "Late."

Not late _enough_, if Wei Wuxian was still in Gusu.

I held up my hands in surrender. "There was a night hunt! I couldn't just leave it."

"Three _months _late."

"It was a big night hunt!"

Wangji appeared unimpressed. I don't know how - it wasn't like he was moving his face. He just projected it into the ether somehow.

Thankfully, Lan Xichen showed up to save me.

"Ruizhi! You're back!" He dropped down beside us, a smile on his face. Then the smile faded. "Don't ever do that again, it was incredibly dangerous."

I bowed to him. "Lan-shixiong."

Lan Xichen sighed, but I could hear the humor in it. "Haven't I told you to call me Xichen-ge?"

"That would be rude, Lan-shixiong."

It would also imply a degree of closeness I couldn't get away from. I had to keep myself from getting too attached.

No matter how futile it seemed.

If I didn't acknowledge the fondness, it didn't exist.

"Oh well. I'll wear you down one day, Ruizhi," He looked me over. "What happened to your uniform?"

"I had a growth spurt," I said with a shrug. A spike of pain in my left shoulder surprised a hiss out of me.

"Are you okay?" Wei Wuxian asked.

I touched my shoulder and my hand came away red and wet. A combination of the dark fabric of my outer layer and adrenaline kept me from noticing the wound at first. I rotated my shoulder. Yep, that hurt. Pretty badly, actually.

"I guess it got me," I said.

Lan Xichen looked alarmed. "It touched you?"

"Looks like it."

"Young Master Wei, please come here. Wangji, take Ruizhi to the healers as fast as you can."

Wangji frowned. "Brother?"

Lan Xichen glanced down at the water. "That's a Waterborne abyss - I don't know what sort of curse being injured by one would bring, but with that much resentful energy in one place..."

Both Wei Wuxian and Wangji looked alarmed.

I don't roll my eyes, no matter how much I wanted to. "I'm not cursed," and then, because I was drunk on fatigue, I continued: "I've been cursed before. I'd be able to tell."

Three gazes snapped on to me.

When would I learn to just stop talking?

"You _what_?" Lan Xichen asked.

"Oh, look at that," I said. "Time to go to the healers. Ow."

I took off towards Gusu.

"Ruizhi, you get back here this instant -"

La la la I can't hear you~

Ruizhi _out_.

**:::**

Wangji caught up with me half-way to the Cloud Recesses. I could feel his disapproval like a physical weight. With Wangji as an escort, I resigned myself to the healer's tender mercies. There was no way to get out of it now.

"I'm fine," I said.

"Mn."

"It was just a little curse. A tiny one. Barely took an hour to figure out how to break!"

Silence.

I sigh inwardly.

Yeah, I was in so much trouble.

**:::**

The healers were just as unimpressed with my defense of only being a little bit cursed as Wangji was. I don't know why everyone was making such a big deal about a wasting curse that _I already broke_. Sure it was "incredibly dangerous" and "almost 100 percent fatal, you idiot child", but I was fine! I'd been fine for nearly four months now! It was barely a curse!

Healers were so dramatic.

In the end, they deemed my shoulder wound small enough to heal on its own. The healers gave me bandages and salve to apply after bathing. They discharged me into Wangji's patient care, with the directive to "stop that idiot from doing anything else stupid and dangerous for a week at least".

Wangji gave a solemn nod.

Rude.

We ended up in the Jingshi. It wasn't unusual for me to be in the Jingshi, but Wangji was a pretty private person. I didn't go into his personal room unless I was invited. I glance around, but it looked the same as when I was last here about two years ago - with the exception of a few additions I recognized: a small glass rabbit figurine, a painting of a young man with a guiqin looking up at the moon, a pale blue rock that glittered in the light. A small smile crept up on my face. Those were the souvenirs I sent back for Wangji.

I'm glad he liked them.

Wangji had some of the servants draw me a bath, and left me too it. It was heavenly to sink into hot water and soak until my fingers pruned. My last hot bath was months ago - I wasn't in a place where they had inn's for my last night hunt, and it seemed rude and wasteful to make the villagers I stayed with use up their firewood just because I was a spoiled young master.

I was acutely aware of when I caused good people inconvenience.

Wangji was waiting for me at the table when I finally emerged, hair piece and outer layers removed. His eyes were closed, and it knocked the breath out of me. He looked like a painting come to life. Like a slender tree halfway over a mountain precept, graceful and untouchable. I studied my friend's face after a year away.

He truly was beautiful.

I paused in toweling my hair dry. Something in the air around Wangji made the hair on the back of my neck raise.

Oh no. This was going to be a _serious conversation_. Wangji might even _express concern_.

I was allergic to sincerity.

"Thanks for the bath. I should go back to my room - it's almost curfew," I tired without much hope of success.

Wangji looked at me. "Staying here for the night."

"I don't -"

"Healer's orders."

Ugh.

I knelt across the table from Wangji, carefully keeping my face blank and my heart steady. It was only Wangji. It was fine.

Nope. I still wanted to run away.

Ghosts and corpses and curses I could handle. Pain was bad, but tolerable. Before I got reborn, my body was sub-par; I was chronically ill. I could deal with being injured, or sick, or slow.

Pain didn't scare me.

People did.

There were things worse than physical pain.

"Ruizhi could have died," Wangji said, gold eyes spearing me through the heart.

My jaw clenched. The itch to run, to move, to be anywhere but here rose in me. My heart raced, beating out a tattoo of 'run run run' against my rib-cage. My palms started to sweat. Attachment to the young man before me kept me in place, like a rope wrapped around my neck.

This was the very reason I didn't want to get involved. Why couldn't I just be selfish in peace? A flicker of resentment in my heart like a lit candle. I resented having to care what anyone but myself thought.

_"Breath, A-Xi," A calloused, kind hand cupping my cheek. A brusque but kind voice."It's alright to be scared. We love you away." _

I took a deep breath to steady my cowardly heart, and smothered the resentment until it went out. Too late to worry about it now.

_I'll try, Grandmother. _

"I'm fine," I said. "Nothing happened."

This was apparently the wrong thing to say.

Wangji's whole body coiled even tighter. "Next time, something may."

I scoffed. "Something could always happen, Wangji. The world is random and strange, and there's never any guarantee that you'll live through it."

I would know.

One of my favorite things about Wangji was the fact that his face was so blank. He didn't emote all over people. For someone who's allergic to emotions, this was something of a godsend.

Of course, that just made the moments when he did use his face that much more devastating.

Like now - Wangji's face kind of... crumpled?

"Did not know if you were coming back." He said, voice low.

Ah.

I thought about a tiny Wangji, sitting outside his mom's door; a child waiting for someone who wouldn't ever come back. My heart felt like ice - like I'd been stabbed.

I can't promise not to die.

Life doesn't work like that.

_I wouldn't leave without letting you know,_ I want to tell Wangji. _Even if I die, I'd still wait around - when you played inquiry I'd say goodbye. Tell you not to wait, to move on, that it wasn't your fault no matter how I died. You're my best friend. I want you to be happy. _

I couldn't say it. Even thinking the words made my throat go tight, and the prospect of saying them out loud, where anyone could hear them, made me want to curl up into a ball and die. What was I, a drama protagonist? I couldn't even watch dramas without getting secondhand embarrassment from the cheesy lines. My face was too thin when it came to stuff like this.

The worst part was every single word was true.

_Ugh_.

The ability to make me feel things must run in the family. Lan Xichen can do it with appalling regularity as well. Come to think of it, didn't Lan Qiren also make me feel things? Sure, he mostly inspires fear, but the point still stands.

Lan men are bad for my asshole reputation.

Please stop being out of character, Wangji! You're going to give me a heart attack. My legs itch to run, but I know that if I do, Wangji would just chase me down - and then he'd give me that disappointed look.

I - didn't want to disappoint him.

(Ghosts, zombies, and curses were a piece of cake to deal with compared to emotional honesty.

I'd rather not, thanks.)

With determination, I crawl around the table and settle myself at Wangji's side. I pick up his hand and put it on my chest, just above my heart.

"Wangji, I'm fine. I'm alive and I'm here," I said. "Quit borrowing trouble."

'What if's' never helped.

The crumpled look on Wangji's face vanishes like mist in sunlight - replaced by something I can't quite read. His pretty face went still. His hand flexed in my grip - not pulling away, but not pushing forward either. Long, dark hair fell in front of his face like a curtain when he ducked his head.

"Mn," He said, the tension finally easing from his shoulders.

I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and gave him a smile, relieved. "Now that I'm back, do you want to go on a night hunt together? I missed having you as backup."

Abruptly, Wangji stood up, jerking his hand out of my grasp. He turned his back to me.

I blinked. "Wangji?"

"It is almost nine," He said. "I will prepare your bed."

He was out of the room before I could reply.

...It was only seven thirty though?

Wangji was a mystery sometimes.

**:::**

**happy birthday to me! **

**i am twenty six and have to deal with a stupid math test. school has been... **

**rough**

**;-; i have so much studying to do you guys have no idea. **


	4. Hmm don't like that

**by foot it's a slow climb**

**Chapter four**

:::

The night after that incredibly, terribly awkward conversation I dragged myself up at four in the morning. The Jingshi was dark when I shambled to the table in the living area to light a candle and prepared for the day. I knew Wangji would be up at five. Even after a year away, I was betting I could still set a clock by his routine.

The thought made me smile.

I still had things I needed to do without him hovering over me. He meant well, I knew. It still felt strange to go from licking my own wounds to being told to stay in bed for a tiny scratch.

I sat down to write up one last report for lan Qiren about the incident yesterday - Including the fact that Su She knocked Wei Wuxian off Suiban, because honestly?

Fuck that guy.

As a cultivator, there were some things you _did not do_. Sabotaging another cultivator like that, after being saved? It was enough to get you on everyone's shit list. I wouldn't trust Su She to wipe his own ass.

Su She... was insignificant. A stupid, petty boy who grew up into a vicious, petty man. I noticed him for the first time a year ago, glaring at me, snapping at my heels out of jealousy. Changing the plot was dangerous, but the very thought of having Su She at my back - or worse, at _Wangji's_\- in a night hunt made my skin crawl.

He had to go.

When the report was done, the sun was just peaking over the horizon. Wangji was still sleeping, but there was a restless buzz in my bones. I needed to move. I decided to make breakfast. It wouldn't distract Wangji - he was far too stubborn for that - but it might ease the strange tension from yesterday.

It was a fact that food in the Cloud Recesses was bland and unappetizing. Five months after I joined Gusu for real, I asked Lan Qiren for permission to use the kitchens to make my own food. I framed it as self-sufficiency, growing up, practicing empathy for the common people, all that jazz.

After a night of thought, favoritism showed it's beautiful face again and Lan Qiren added the rule that the kitchens were open to those who wished to care for their own breakfasts and lunches. Dinner was still to be had communally. Meals were to be made by their own hands, and anyone who ordered around other students or personal servants to cook for them was strictly punished, as a few guest disciples found out.

No one took advantage of the rule after that.

Even cultivators from tiny sects were spoiled as hell.

As a stealth commoner, I was more than happy to take care of my own food. My mother taught every single one of us to cook, though my third brother was easily the best. Mom believed in self sufficiency, so I also knew how to sew, fix things around the house, and make a variety of things like candles and soap. I even did farm work when one of the villagers needed some extra help.

Cooking for someone else was _technically _not allowed, but I was a pretty good cook. Lan Qiren certainly didn't protest when I bribed him with lunch - I mean, showed my respect towards my teacher by personally cooking for him.

Favoritism: it's what's for breakfast.

I borrowed one of Wangji's uniforms for the walk over to the kitchens. I had yet to visit the tailors and I didn't want to get stopped for being suspicious. I whipped up a quick porridge with brown sugar using the last of my rations from the trip, and grabbed some fresh raspberries from the trees behind the kitchen.

I carried the food back to the Jingshi just before five, and set out the table for two. I heard the quiet rustle of cloth from Wangji's bed.

Five o'clock exactly.

I felt a bubble of warm fondness and shook my head.

Wangji really didn't change.

Wangji wandered into the room at precisely ten after five, and stopped dead in the doorway.

I smiled at him. "Morning."

He stared at me.

Steam curled in the air from the food. Wangji's gold eyes dragged across the table, and over me. Abruptly I was aware of the way Wangji's sleeves fell over my hands - I wasn't the only one who had a growth spurt. His clothes were just a little too big for me. Finally, Wangji met my gaze, and there was a look in them I didn't recognize.

Or so I told myself.

_Ba-thump_, went my stupid, traitorous heart.

_No,_I told it, _no ba-thump, no skipping, no getting crushes on _Wangji _of all people_.

He was the one person who _literally _made for someone else!

The thought of Wei Wuxian sleeping peacefully somewhere out in the Cloud Recesses was like a bucket of cold water over my head.

Right.

No _way _would Lan Wangji look at me like he wanted to peel off my clothes with his teeth. He had a type - and that type was Wei Wuxian.

Thirteen years of waiting was proof enough of that.

Wangji wasn't for me. I just wasn't built for world-shaking, everlasting love; I was too practical, too normal, too petty for things like that.

Wangji deserved better.

I cleared my throat. "Breakfast?"

Wangji glanced at the table. "...Mn."

Wangji returned to his normal bitchy, brick-wall of a self over breakfast, thank god. Afterwards, both of us were dressed and leaving. He hesitated at the path where we would go our separate ways.

He gave me a hard stare, which was just his normal stare with a bit more eyebrow. "Do not be reckless."

I don't roll my eyes, because that would be rude.

"I'm only going to the tailors," I said. "Then a little bit of training."

"Still injured."

"That's why it's only a little bit of training."

Wangji's eyes narrowed.

I gave in and rolled my eyes. "Wangji, I'm in the Cloud recesses. If I run into anything I can't handle, I'll call you for help, okay?"

After a moment, Wangji nodded slightly. "Mark your words."

"Cross my heart," I said, making the motion.

His expression flickered, but Wangji nodded and turned too fast for me to catch it. He set off at a brisk pace, leaving me staring at his back.

"...Okay," I said to empty air. "Good talk."

I shook my head, and went to run my errands.

:::

Lan Qiren had yet to return from his conference, so I handed my reports over to one of his aides - the mousy one who's name I always forgot. Shang Qing-something?

The young man looked down at the thick stack of paper like he wanted to cry. "How many reports?"

"Three hundred and twelve," I said.

"You were only gone for a year. That's like - six night hunts a week!"

And?

It was a training trip.

I was training.

Obviously.

I waited for him to get to the point.

He looked from me to the stack of papers, then gave the most defeated sigh I'd ever heard. "Damn overachievers. Never mind. Just - go. Go away. I have paperwork to do, apparently."

Sucked to be him.

I saluted and got out of there before he tried to rope me into helping.

I headed for the tailors next, letting them measure me. GusuLan uniforms needed to be . Holding up my left arm stung a bit, but I was good at healing myself by now. It'd be gone by the end of the day. After the tailors were done, I was left at a loss. I couldn't shake the feeling I was meant to be somewhere, doing something, helping someone out. Night-hunting alone for a year was bound to leave a mark, I guess.

...Wangji would probably give me a disappointed stare if I went down to Caiyi town on my own. I already said I'd stay in the Cloud Recesses.

I went to one of the grounds reserved for training. Even though I promised not to push myself too hard, that didn't mean training wasn't important. I rotated my shoulder critically; it already felt fine enough for half my normal routine.

I started off easy with two hours of easy tai chi practice, every move slow and deliberate. Tai Chi was familiar as breathing - my maternal grandmother was a daoist priest, and she practiced daily.

It settled the part of my heart that ached for my family. They lived outside of Gusu territory in Zhejiang, way too far away to justify visiting in my year away, even by sword. My constant movement made letters impossible to receive.

I really needed to go home and visit.

Maybe I could convince Wangji to come with me?

After tai chi, I moved on to sword-work. I started not with the clean graceful sweep of GusuLan style, but the clean, no frills style of my family.

I don't like thinking about my early childhood much. I was a terrible brat of a child, oscillating between terrible tantrums and being practically comatose. I hated everything and everyone - it's a miracle my parents didn't give up on me. I slept for hours, for days, for weeks. I didn't want to wake up, because the world around me was strange. When I was awake, even my _body _was unfamiliar.

Everything was _scary_.

...Nothing felt real after I was reborn. I didn't _want_ it to be real.

Not my new family.

Not the world.

Not my body.

The first five years of my new life -

It was a bad time.

I try not to think about it.

I got better only when my grandmother pressed a wooden sword to my chubby, unfamiliar hand and forced me to be _present_. Once I got used to my new body, I stopped feeling so strange. The anxiety became manageable again.

For me, holding a sword was when I was most at peace. The pull and stretch of skin, the thump of my heart, the blood rushing through my veins - it was a reminder that I belonged to this world. There were reasons to keep going, even if life was so, so scary sometimes.

I was loved.

After I finished with my family style, I paused to wipe the sweat off my forehead and asses my shoulder. The wound was slowing me down more than I thought it would. I shrugged off the top half of Wangji's inner clothes, leaving me in my pants and boots. I stretched my arms behind me, arching my back to a satisfying series of pops -

Then a larger crack - from above me?

A flutter of white cloth out of the corner of my eye -

I lunged without thinking, arms outstretched, dropping Sansheng in the dirt.

"Oh," A familiar voice said, breathless in my grasp.

For a moment Wei Wuxian and I stared at each other. He was covered in dirt, and there were bits of leaves in his hair. I was holding him princess style, and I could feel his hands against my bare chest.

… was this going to be a running gag?

Was I _cursed_?

Why did canon characters keep flinging themselves into my arms?!

I wanted a refund.

"Um," Wei Wuxian said, a blush rising in his face. It suited him and I wanted to _die_. "Hello, again!"

"Hello," I said, instead of dumping him in the dirt. Mom may have raised an idiot, but she didn't raise a manner-less barbarian. "I don't think we've been introduced."

Wei Wuxian laughed, still slightly breathless. "An oversight, if we're going to be as close as this. I'm Wei Ying, courtesy name Wuxian. Call me Wei Ying!"

Like hell.

I set him on his feet and took a step back, hands falling behind me in an effort not to run screaming all the way back home. "Yan Xi, courtesy name Ruizhi. A pleasure, Young Master Wei."

He pouted, bringing the full force of his pretty face down like a hammer. "So distant, A-Xi. You've saved my life twice now! Isn't that just like fate itself telling us to be friends? We should be closer to reflect that, or the gods might curse us with bad luck."

Too late.

I offered him a polite, empty smile. "We have just met, Young Master Wei. It would be improper. Over-familiarity and rudeness are against the rules. "

He rolled his eyes. "You Gusu people and your rules. Do you plan on living like an elder before your hair has even turned grey?"

"Yes," I said without hesitation, hands folded behind me. I tried looking as boring and unfriendly as possible. If it kept me out of the stupid drama cultivators were prone too, I'd live like a monk for the rest of my life. In fact, I'd go be a monk right now if I could take Wangji and the Gusu Library with me.

I'm a very boring person at heart, protagonist - so please go bother Wangji instead!

Wei Wuxian blinked at me, and then he laughed. "I say your rules are boring and you don't even deny it!"

"Lying is forbidden," I said.

I was a coward and a fraud, not an idiot. The rules banned everything fun - and I liked them anyway. I liked that there were at least one for every situation. It left me with a certain sense of security. Manners were comforting. The GusuLan sect was easy to navigate socially in a way I'd never known. I was never caught off guard by anyone in GusuLan.

Wei Wuxian wiped the mirth out of his eyes. "Ah, I should have expected Lan Zhan's friend to be as funny as him! Truly your honesty and his righteousness fit well together."

Yes, yes, hilarious. Will you please get to the point?

"What are you doing out here, Young Master Wei?" I asked.

_Please just be planning a prank or something._

Wei Wuxian grinned at me. "I was looking for you, of course!"

Of course.

Bitch face activated!

"Did you need something?" I asked.

_Please say no._

Wei Wuxian bit his lip, and it was very distracting. Wangji might have dibs, but that didn't mean I was blind. He was very pretty, and I was only human.

A very bisexual, very stupid human.

"How's your shoulder?" Wei Wuxian asked.

I blinked. "It is of no concern, Young Master Wei. The healers of GusuLan are skilled and dedicated to the welfare of their patients. There is no need to worry about me."

Seriously. _Please _don't.

Wei Wuxian looked almost offended. "Of course I'll worry! You got hurt because of me!"

...Oh. Oh, shit. I got hurt saving him, and Wei Wuxian was one of _those _characters - the ones with an overblown sense of responsibility and a martyr complex a mile wide. Someone getting hurt on his behalf was, like, _worse _than getting injured himself.

He wasn't going to leave me alone, was he?

It'd be too OOC.

If I could go back in time and strangle my past self, I'd do it. Why did all of my good deeds come back to bite me in the ass?

"I am well. It was barely a scratch," I said.

Wei Wuxian gave a doubtful look at my bare shoulder. "It doesn't look like a scratch."

I glanced down at the wound. It was about five inches long, dragging over my left shoulder, down my chest to almost over my heart. The waterborne abyss was full of resentful energy, so the edges of the cut looked blackened, almost as if the wound was infected. It was shallow, so there was no blood - but I could see where Wei Wuxian was coming from.

"It looks worse than it is," I said, then went and put Wangji's robes back on. If there was any justice in the world, Wei Wuxian's terrible memory would strike and he'd forget I'd ever existed when the cut was out of sight.

"That was an interesting sword style," Wei Wuxian said, because fuck me, I guess. "Which sect did you come from? I've seen most of the larger sects, except the Nie because Huaisang says he's no good at the Nie style, which is a shame. Lan Zhan attacked me on the first night here, so that's how I know it's not GusuLan. Do you want to spar?"

I blinked slowly.

Wei Wuxian was _chatty_. I mean, I already knew that, but hearing him was different. He was holding this conversation all by himself.

"I am injured," I said.

It was the whole reason you were here?

Wei Wuxian's memory was bad, but...

_Protagonist, will you be okay? _

Wei Wuxian laughed. "Right, I forgot! it didn't seem to be slowing you down."

"...Exactly how long were you watching me, Young Master Wei?" I asked.

I needed to work on my situational awareness...

He shrugged with a grin, shameless. "Long enough to want to spar against you."

It was stupid, and against my good sense but - for a moment, I was deeply tempted. Wei Wuxian was one of the top five young masters. In the story he fought Wangji to a standstill. I was better than Wangji with a sword, but that didn't mean I always won our fights.

Between Wei Wuxian and I, who would win?

My hand flexed, and Sangsheng zipped up from the ground.

Wei Wuxian just stood there, smiling.

"I can't. Healer's orders," I said at last.

He pouted at me. "Aw, boring. If I didn't know better, I'd say you were trying to avoid me, A-Xi. I was going to invite you down to Caiyi town, but if you keep hurting my feelings like this I don't know if I will."

Oh thank god.

Bullet dodged.

"I am sorry to hear that, Young Master Wei," I said. "I am not allowed to leave the Cloud Recesses while I'm healing."

He gave a theatrical sigh. "I suppose It's fine - you'll just have to make it up to me another day," He gave me a winning smile. "I'm very generous, you know. You should treat me to breakfast as thanks. We can eat together!"

I bowed politely. "That will not be necessary, Young master Wei. I have already eaten. Please excuse me."

Ah. I should probably ask about the thing with Su She.

I turned back reluctantly. "Young Master Wei, I have made a report regarding the situation yesterday with Su She. Do you have anything you would like me to add to it?" I turned it in, but rule number 478 stated that amending reports when new information popped up was key to night hunting.

I love knowing all the rules. It makes my life so much easier in the long run.

"Su who?" Wei Wuxian asked.

"The disciple who you saved yesterday."

"Why would you report him?"

I blinked slowly, unimpressed. "He deliberately knocked you off your sword, Young Master Wei. You could have died."

"Ah, I don't know if that was on purpose -"

"He kicked you in the back," I don't normally interrupt people, but that was too stupid to let stand. "The fall alone would've killed a normal person - and even a cultivator like you would've walked away injured. It was on purpose."

"But I didn't even get injured," Lighting fast, Wei Wuxian draped himself over me and batted his eyelashes with an exaggerated pout. "A big, strong hero swooped in at the last moment and saved Xianxian. Nothing happened, so why bother reporting it?"

His arm was thrown around my shoulder. We were pressed nearly chest to chest, and his head was bent towards me in a parody of the moment before a kiss. His wild black hair brushed past my face. There was a smile tucked into the corner of his full mouth; it was almost too bright to look at. He smelled like ink and something vaguely spicy.

I stared at his handsome face, just inches from my own. Guess that was why he was a renowned flirt - that move was enough to knock most people the fuck out. Even _my _shriveled heart skipped a beat.

It was a good try at distracting me.

Too bad I was immune to pretty people by now - Wangji had _everyone _beat in that department. Plus, I wasn't nearly as uptight as everyone else at Gusu. I didn't mind a bit of flirting or touching with someone of the same gender.

"You don't want me to report Su She," I said, unimpressed.

The 'Why the fuck not?' was silent but implied.

Wei Wuxian smiled. "He's a Gusu core disciple, isn't he? You can't discipline an inner disciple over the son of a servant! Besides, I don't want to cause any trouble."

"Wangji would disagree," I said.

"He talked about me?" Wei Wuxian forgot to smolder for a moment, visibly surprised. "What did he say? Good things, I hope. Was it nice? Did he mention how good looking and talented I am? Ah, for shame, Lan Zhan! Doesn't he know gossip is forbidden in the Could Recesses?"

I could feel his body trembling with suppressed laughter.

"Lying is also forbidden in the Cloud Recesses. You have never shied away from trouble in your life, Young Master Wei," I said. I took a step away from him; My hands folded behind me and my posture perfect - channeling Lan Qiren so hard I almost grew a goatee. "If you have nothing to add, then I will not need to amend my report. Thank you for your time, Young Master Wei."

"Eh? You're still turning a report in?"

Why did he sound so surprised? Wei Wuxian wasn't just the son of a servant - he was the head disciple of YunmengJiang. Even if he wasn't, would that matter?

A person is a person, regardless of their family.

_Don't you know that people care about you? What do you think your prickly younger brother would do if you got hurt in Gusu? _

_Please value yourself more, Mr. protagonist. _

I didn't say that, of course. My brain to mouth filter wasn't _that _broken. "I turned in my report this morning. Regardless of your feelings on the matter, what Su She did was a grave breach of conduct. To repay the person who saved your life - no matter their supposed social class - with betrayal... such a person _can't _be kept."

Speaking was so annoying, and it made me wish for a quiet room with only Wangji for company. Being around the protagonist made my _soul itch. _I could smell the drama coming. He was still staring at me, totally blindsided, and it was making me remember all the shit Wei Wuxian would have to go through in the future. In three to five years, this bright, laughing boy would be ripped apart by his own evil creation.

It was making me kind of sad.

Terrible treatment of a character and terrible treatment of a person - they were very different beasts.

I sighed. "If he had come to apologize to you, I would perhaps ask for more leniency. Has he?"

Wei Wuxian was staring at me with wide, grey eyes. He said nothing.

I figured.

Actions have consequences.

It wasn't that hard a concept. Why was Wei Wuxian looking at me like that? This whole situation was, no joke, stressing me the _fuck _out.

Time to run away!

I saluted Wei Wuxian. "Have a nice day, Young Master Wei."

Then I turned on my heel, and hurried away before he could recover. I didn't run, because that was against the rules, but I sure as hell power walked away. A sharp gesture summoned Sansheng to it's scabbard while I was going. Sorry for dropping you, buddy. I'll polish you later to make up for it.

Escape secured!

Not.

Ha ha, of course not. When am I ever that lucky?

I made it ten steps before Wei Wuxian caught up with me.

"No running in the cloud recesses," I said automatically.

Wei Wuxian laughed. "You know, I wondered what a friend of Lan Zhan would be like, but you're really not what I expected! A-Xi, you're even better! "

What does that even _mean_?

"Gossip is forbidden in the Cloud recesses," I said. "Don't call me A-Xi."

Wei Wuxian grinned. " Everything is forbidden in the Cloud Recesses, A-Xi. Didn't I say to call me A-Ying? Oh, or Xian-gege! You're younger than me, right? Every time I try to get Jiang Cheng to call me gege, he just threatens to break my legs. So not cute."

And die of Wangji induced homicide?

Pass.

Wei Wuxian looked at my expression and laughed. "Ah, of course Lan Zhan's friend would be just as funny as he is!"

If I thought hanging around Jin Zixuan felt bad, it was nothing compared to having Wei Wuxian around. Wei Wuxian was so...

Loud. Annoying. Arrogant.

Pretty.

Ugh.

Puberty was the _worst_.

Wei Wuxian could have a whole conversation with someone only grunting in reply. I kept having to shrug off Wie Wuxian's friendly touches; an arm hooked around mine, a hand tugging at my sleeve, knocking his shoulder gently against my own. It didn't matter how many times I shrugged him off because he was back to touching me again seconds later.

Why was he so freaking _sticky_? Was his mother an octopus?

_Please take a hint, protagonist! _

Bizarrely, after fifteen minutes of winding tension inside my head, something just kind of… snapped. I let his river of words flow and eddy around my feet while I went on with my exercise. I was stuck in a river of bright words. This was my life now.

It was sort of nice.

"- and then Jiang Cheng fell in the lake, it was really funny. Is that Lan Zhan? Lan Zhan!" Wei Wuxian called out, delighted. "Lan Zhan, over here!"

And just like that, I was slam-dunked back down to earth.

I snapped back to my body so fast I think I gave my soul friction burns. My head jerked around, and sure enough, Wangji was standing under the shade of a tree, his guiqin in his arms. He looked up and his gold eyes were molten in the sun.

I darted towards him.

Love interest! Come collect your husband!

"Ruizhi," Wangji said. The hair on the back of my neck rose up - what the hell was up with that tone? "Wei Ying."

"Lan Zhan!" Wei Wuxian sounded so thrilled. "Where have you been all day?"

"Wangji," I said. "Were you looking for me?"

"Mm," Wangji's eyes flicked to Wei Wuxian, who was playing with the sleeve of my robe - of _Wangji's_ robe. That I was wearing.

Ah, _shit_.

Please don't kill me, bro! I swear I'm not trying to pick up your hubby - in fact, will you please be my body shield?

I tugged my sleeve out of Wei Wuxian's grip and moved to Wangji's side. He didn't move away, so today was a good day. I gently knocked my shoulder into his, and fixed where his sleeve was folded slightly wrong. The tip of my fingers brushed over his bare skin for a moment, but Wangji only tensed a little bit.

A year away hadn't reset my progress then. Good.

Human beings needed skin contact to stay sane. Wangji never received, in my presence, from either his brother or his uncle so much as a _hug_. Cultivators needed things like food and water less than normal people, it was true - but touch? I didn't know. I made the executive decision not to find out. If I was going to be Wangji's friend, I might as well do it right.

When Wangji could stand it, that included physical affection.

It took one full year before I could touch him without Wangji flinching away.

"Were you off to practice, Wangji?" I asked. "Shall I come along? Lord knows, there's not much time to practice on the road. I'm probably rusty."

Wangji - shifted closer to me?

Huh. He'd never done _that _before.

Absence really did make the heart grow fonder.

"Uncle is coming back. Brother asked for you to come greet him together. Waiting at the gate," Wangji said.

Ah, _fuck_.

Was this Lan Xichen's revenge for running away yesterday? He _knew _I always ended up getting extra homework whenever Lan Qiren singled me out - that essay on the healing factor of the cold spring was just one among many. I always ended up with some new, boring thing Lan Qiren wanted covered in an essay. It was one of the few downsides to being Wangji's only friend.

"Old man Lan is coming back?" Wei Wuxian demanded. "Does that mean classes are going to start up again?"

"Tomorrow," Wangji said.

On one hand: Lan Qiren.

On the other: Wei Wuxian.

Did I want more boring work, or did I want to get even more attention from the protagonist?

...Honestly, I was torn. Some of those essays were very, very dull.

Then Wei Wuxian derailed my train of thought by leaning against Wangji's other side, mimicking me. Wangji's pulse picked up speed against my fingers. His wrist flexed and tensed under my hand, but that was it - he didn't throw Wei Wuxian off, or anything.

Wow, Wangji really fell in love fast. More importantly -

It took me a full year before Wangji was that comfortable with me! Unfair, Wei Wuxian!

The protagonist halo was such a _cheat_.

Still. It was as good an opportunity as any.

"Then I will leave Young Master Wei in your hands, Wangji," I said. "Perhaps you two could practice together?"

Wei Wuxian beamed. "A-Xi has the best ideas! I play the dizi _very_ well - or at least the girls back in Lotus Pier always tell me I do. Do you want to play together, Lan Zhan?"

Wangji's eyes widened minutely and he shot me a glance. _Help me _was written all over his face. The tips of his ears were bright red.

Sorry, Wangji!

This was for your own good.

I bowed to both of them and power walked away before Wangji could protest.

"So that's your best friend, Lan Zhan?" I heard Wei Wuxian said behind me. Did he even have an inside voice? "He's so polite and nice! The Third Jade of Gusu lives up to his reputation -"

I tripped over empty air.

Wei Wuxian's voice bounced around my head.

_The Third Jade of Gusu, the Third Jade of Gusu, Third Jade - _

The what. The _who_?

The **FUCK**?

**:::**

**bu dum tis. **

**turns out actions have real world consequences ruizhi! **

**(these chapters keep getting longer? am _I_ cursed?)**

**up next: ruizhi's horrible, terrible, no good, very bad realization. protag gonna protag. pornography. bunnies? This Is Fine (tm).**


	5. the things I do for books

**by foot it's a slow climb**

**Chapter 5 **

**:::**

The Third Jade of Gusu...

Was - was that supposed to be _me_?

Did I have a _reputation_?

Lan Xichen was waiting for me at the gates, with his perfect posture and his perfect hair blowing in the wind. His face traced by the gold sunlight was almost guided. The gate guards were darting glances at his face, and looking very flustered. I get you, random gate guards. Lan Xichen was too pretty to be real. Too bad I was in no mood to appreciate it.

"Lan-xiangong," I called out.

He turned and gave me a bright smile. The gate guard to the left made a tiny choked sound. Lan Xichen didn't seem to notice, as he touched me on the shoulder. "Ruizhi. You went to the healers? What did they say?"

Sometimes, I reflected, the world was really unfair. Why are Lan men so pretty? It was terrible for my self control.

"I'm fine," I said. "It was barely a scratch." I hesitated. Do I ask? Do I _really_ want to know if I messed up that badly?

… Goddamn it. Me and my curiosity.

"Lan-xiangong do you have any idea who the third Jade of Gusu is?" I whispered.

Lan Xichen blinked. "Isn't that you?"

_Fuck._

"Why would it be me?" I asked. "I haven't done anything to earn a nickname in the first place!"

Lan Xichen - laughed. My heart sank. Whatever he said next, I was going to hate it. I could feel it in my bones.

"Ruizhi, you're the youngest person to ever pass the fourth level testing. Of course people are going to talk about it! Not to mention how well you keep up with Wangji and myself, though it might be a bit arrogant to say. It's been nearly two years since you earned your own title." He smiled at me. "The year of night hunting just solidified it. Uncle is still receiving thank you letters from villages you helped along the way. Gusus' reception among the common folk has never been higher. The elders, and Uncle, in particular have been very pleased with you."

That was _it_?

Night hunts, my age, and passing a stupid test?

What did the night hunts have to do with _anything_? As a cultivator, none of them were particularly impressive; mostly just low level ghouls, walking corpses, and minor curses from resentful energy. _Civilians_ might be impressed, but that was just because they didn't know any better. Cultivators did! It was - literally _just my job_. What was impressive about doing my job?

Cultivators made no sense!

Not to mention, even my age was nothing to write home about. Wangji was better than me in most areas - I barely matched him by working insanely hard. My brothers were all talented cultivators, leagues better than I was. If anything, I was barely average!

The test wasn't even worth mentioning. It wasn't that hard! College finals in my first life were more grueling. The hardest part was not being knocked the fuck out by Lan Xichen. Why would anyone focus on me when, most of the time, I was standing by Wangji and Lan Xichen -

"Ruizhi, is something wrong?" Lan Xichen asked.

I stared at him, then I closed my eyes. Deep breaths.

The only explanation was -

I done fucked up.

I done fucked up _bad_.

When I decided to stay in Gusu, my plans had to be adjusted. I couldn't avoid the plot entirely but I could ignore it. The goal was obscurity. I wanted people to look at me and go 'oh yeah, that one kid who's always hanging around the second young master,' and nothing else.

For the most part, I kept to myself. In Gusu I was most often found in the library, or the training grounds with Wangji. The other disciples, both my peers and not, tended to leave me in peace to my own work. Lan Qiren even gave me permission to study on my own, once I proved to him I was keeping abreast of what he taught in his classes may be passed around the disciples of Gusu, but nothing important or relevant to me. I didn't talk to other disciples unless I absolutely had to.

I forgot to take into account who, exactly, I _did_ talk to.

Lan Xichen and Lan Wangji, the prettiest, most graceful people in the room, every room, no matter where it was. If they were standing next to me - wouldn't that sort of light illuminate me as well? Wasn't I basically holding up an engraved invitation to curiosity?

Anyone the Twin Jades spent time with must, of course, be worth that time. I could've been the ugliest, least talented person in the entire history of Gusu and, by the transitive property of prettiness, I'd be worth gossiping about.

Basically: I was fucked.

I buried my head in my hands and let out an inarticulate whine. It was the most undignified sound I'd ever made, and I didn't even care.

"Ruizhi? Is everything alright? I can summon the healers," Lan Xichen gently lifted my face up to look at, his perfect brows scrunched in concern. "If you are truly not feeling well, I know uncle wouldn't mind you going to the healers before you paid your respects."

I stared, dead eyed, at the very source of my trouble: Lan Xichen's stupid, perfect face. My doom had skin paler than the moon and cheekbones that could kill a man.

Staying in Gusu was a Mistake.

I couldn't even be mad at him. It was no one's fault but mine.

_I'm_ the dumbass.

"You know what?" I said to the world at large. "I don't want to be awake right now."

Lan Xichen blinked. "Ruizhi?"

I bowed to him. "Give Teacher Lan my regrets, and assurances I will be available at his earliest convenience tomorrow morning. I am feeling unwell."

"Shall I summon the healers?" Lan Xichen asked quietly.

"No, I'm just... tired. Healing is harder than it looks," I said. It wasn't even a lie. The past two days felt like they were a month long. I have failed at literally every single thing I've planned for the past two years in forty two hours.

The day isn't even over yet.

"Please excuse me," I said.

"Of course. Please get some more rest; don't overwork yourself," Lan Xichen said. His voice was soft and concerned. "I can send Wangji to stay with you, if you want."

I summon up a passable smile. "That won't be necessary. I'll be fine by tomorrow, so please don't cause him any concern."

He's… busy.

Wei Wuxian has his attention right now.

**:::**

I collapsed face first into my own bed for the first time in one year and three months, pressed the blanket to my face, and let a muffled, frustrated scream.

One second. Two seconds. Three Seconds.

Then I shove off the cover, climb out of bed, and sat on the floor in lotus position. My heart was racing, and I could feel a panic attack coming on and I was _not _dealing with that today.

So I meditated.

Consider: Lan Xichen implied that, though the night hunting might have helped, I was considered a Jade of Gusu even before it.

Consider: I had a reputation. Apparently, I had a reputation for _years_ without noticing.

Consider: To start damage control on this disaster, I might have to do something unpleasant like leave Gusu, or worse, stop talking to Wangji and Lan Xichen - my only real friends.

The looks the juniors sometimes gave me made much more sense now. It also explained why sometimes people in my peer group would ask for tips on homework. To them I was on Wangji's level, but much more friendly looking, even though, in reality, I was much meaner than Wangji was ever willing to be.

Conclusion: There was nothing I could do about this - this _stupidity_.

My only option was waiting it out. If I kept my cool, if I stayed under the radar, if I stopped going on so many night hunts and stayed in the library researching like I was planning to do _anyway_...

There was always more interesting drama. Cultivators would move on to the next scandal.

People would forget.

Right?

I opened my eyes and flopped over onto the floor with a groan.

...Whatever. It was't like I could hit people for calling me that stupid nickname, no matter how much I wanted too. Okay, okay, okay. I took a deep breath, held it, and when I exhaled, it was like I took the whole third jade thing and dumped it out of my head. I immediately felt better. Third Jade who? Never heard of it.

God bless future Nie Huiasang, my lord and savior. He gave me the perfect model of thought to cling too.

When in doubt, deny, deny, deny.

Smile and nod and be utterly oblivious.

I don't know, I don't know, I _really_ don't know.

**:::**

The next morning dawned with clarity, both in the cloudless sky and inside my head. Having a plan always made me relax, even if it was just the same plan I already had, but even _more _this time.

I washed and dressed, just before a knock came at my door. It turned out to be a disciple sent by Lan Qiren who requested I join him for breakfast.

Which was how Lan Qiren asked me to cook for him.

I was going to ask for something today anyway - it was better to have the old man in a good mood. Breakfast was simple fare, something suited for an older man, with medicinal properties that improved blood pressure and cleared the mind. I even steeped a pot of mint tea. I brought two trays, and kneeled before Lan Qiren's office door. I knocked, announced myself and waited.

"Enter," Lan Qiren said.

I took a steadying breath. Okay.

Show time.

He looked the same as ever. There was a severe look on his face that suited him. He was as handsome as any Lan - except for that goatee. I privately gave two thumbs up to Wei Wuxian's mom. If I had the guts, I'd shave it off too. He would look so much better without it.

"Grandmaster," I said. "This humble student has brought breakfast, if it pleases you."

Lan Qiren would never do anything as uncouth as smile - but I catch the way his eyes dart to the tray, and his hands twitch a bit. "Yan Ruizhi has gone to much trouble. Your teacher is pleased. Enter, and sit. We have much to discuss," He paused. "After breakfast."

I entered the room with careful steps, posture straight, and every movement correct. Decorum didn't stop at words - the way you turned, the way you placed your hands, even the way you _looked_ at things - every action had a right and proper way to be performed.

Pride was against the rules, but I was confident in my proper conduct. My maternal grandmother before she was a priest was an _extremely_ high class courtesan. All of my brothers learned manners from her, and I was the same. She was a hard taskmaster - she had to be. Her clients often included nobility. Offend the pride of the wrong person, and my grandmother could have been dragged away to jail or even killed.

My brothers might have complained, but I thrived in the etiquette lessons. There were concrete rules of behavior! If someone does x, you must do y. The socially oblivious me could, with rigid adherence to the rules, understand why people did what they were doing. It was a godsend.

I served up breakfast with utter decorum. It was almost meditative, under Lan Qiren's watchful eye. He reminded me of my grandmother - though she was much more flexible, thinking-wise. Breakfast went over without incident. No speech while eating. It was a simple, light meal, and half an hour later, it was done. Lan Qiren set down his chopsticks, and my heart picked up it's pace.

Okay.

Showtime.

"I have received your reports from Shang Qingha. There were no errors, and it seems you have not let your calligraphy skill wear down while out in the world. Xichen informed me you outgrew your own clothes?" Lan Qiren glanced at my uniform.

I bowed slightly. "Forgive this student his unseemly appearance, Grand master. Wangji was kind enough to lend this student one of his spares, while the tailors made new ones."

Lan Qiren nodded after a moment, but not before a strange expression flickered across his face. I couldn't read it. My stomach twisted. "It is, of course, a virtue to help one's friends when they are in need. The two of you are close."

"It is an honor that the Grandmaster thinks so," I said. "Wangji has always been a good friend to this student."

"Hmm."

Hmm? What hmm? What kind of response was that?

...Please don't drop any more bombs on me, Grandmaster. This student's mental state is fragile. I don't know how many more shocks I can take before I just give up and retreat into seclusion until the whole damn plot was over.

Lan Qiren pulled a paper out of a stack of them on his desk. He scanned it, and a small frown emerged. "Su She," He said at last.

Ah.

"This student witnessed it with his own eyes, Grandmaster. There was no misunderstanding to be found in Su She's actions. He did not hesitate at all. If this student had not been half way there already, Young Master Wei would have fallen into the middle of a waterborne abyss. The negative effect of the resentful energy alone..."

The more I thought about it, the worse it felt. Su She was a moron. From his minute eye twitch, Lan Qiren felt the same. A head disciple getting injured like that by one of Gusu's own after being saved in the first place? It was - _bad_, politically speaking.

... I was glad managing that wasn't my problem.

Lan Qiren sighed. "It has been nearly a year since he joined us, and he still does such a thing? There have been other complaints over his behavior as well. Maliciously endangering another student, even if it was that Wei Wuxian, is unconscionable. He will have to go."

I bowed again. "Grandmaster is wise."

"Xichen mentioned that you were injured?"

"This student thanks the Grandmaster for his concern, but it was barely a scratch. This student was taught to care for his own wounds by the healers, and practiced much over the year away."

Lan Qiren nodded. "As expected. Then, I will give you an assignment. It was reckless to throw yourself so near to the waterborne abyss. You will write a paper on Water Borne Abysses, to be turned in a week from now," He eyed me. "Do not throw your life away, Yan Ruizhi."

Ah.

Okay. I could do this. Just... throw it on the pile, I guess.

"This student hears and obeys, Grandmaster," I took a deep breath and bowed until my head almost touched the floor. My heart beat in my chest. This was so much worse than night hunts. "Begging the Grandmaster's pardon, but this student has a request."

I stared down at the polished wood floor of the study, heart in my throat. Silence pressed down on me like a boot on my throat. I understood his surprise. I honestly didn't ask for things that often, and even then they were small things and rarely formal. To study on my own, to cook my own food - I think that was it.

"Ask," He said finally.

Step one down. I could feel a bead of sweat roll down my neck.

"This student would like access to the restricted section of the Gusu library," I said without raising my head.

I might be a part of GusuLan, but I wasn't a Lan by blood. The restricted section contained Lan family techniques, created by Lans for Lans. The only way to get access was to be born a Lan or marry in. Most people didn't even know it existed. Asking for access as an outsider?

It was _rude_. Incredibly rude! Horribly, terribly rude! Grounds for being kicked out, no ifs, ands, or buts! Not a single person would condemn Lan Qiren for expelling me, here and now, including _myself_.

I was embarrassed to say the words!

More quiet.

I knew this was a bad idea. Please don't kill me, Lan Qiren. So long as Lan Qiren didn't kick me out of Gusu for my presumption, I could backpedal - Wangji would be disappointed in my rudeness, but Xichen might speak on my behalf. I was a good student - If I apologized and groveled right now, I might get out of this with all my skin intact.

I stayed bowed.

"Sit up. Explain," Lan Qiren said, voice flat.

He didn't immediately expel me, so that was a win.

I swallowed and sat up, my posture perfect. My trembling hands were hidden by Wangji's long sleeves. "This stude - this unworthy one has been looking into talismans that would mitigate the effect of fire."

"There are fire resistance talismans already in circulation."

"Yes, for normal fires. There is nothing that protects against fire created from qi," I glanced at my report still laying across his desk.

Lan Qiren stilled.

Qi fueled fire was one of the Wen clan's best techniques. It burnt so hot that normal talismans were useless. The stronger among the Wens could even burn hot enough to melt a cultivators sword. The protections of GusuLan were legendary, but they paled in the face of Qi fire.

I couldn't stop them from coming, or avert the war - but I could stop them from torching all of the books in the library. There were books in the regular library pavilion on creating talismans from scratch, so I had a place to start. Something like blocking Qi fire? Complicated was putting it mildly.

I'd exhausted what the library could give me - I needed more information.

"Why," Lan Qiren asked carefully. "Would you need something like that?"

"The Waterborne Abyss - it was not there when this student left," I said quietly. "The people in Caiyi town are strong swimmers. How could enough people drown in a single year to make one?"

Lan Qiren looked at the report, face unreadable. After a small eternity he sighed, looking years older. The tension drained out of the room. I felt like I could breathe again.

"You have always been mature for your age, Ruizhi. Perhaps too mature. That a student of mine has to worry about something like this… it is my failure as a teacher."

Whew. He wasn't too offended by my request, if he could still call me his student. I smiled slightly, pretending my hands weren't trembling, and bowed again. "Grandmaster is a teacher without peer. This student has no complaints. It is only that the Cloud Recesses are also this student's home. It is natural to wish to defend it."

Lan Qiren gave me a wry look. "Sect Leader Jin was impressed with your diplomacy, and now I see why. Perhaps you should accompany Xichen when he goes to the next conference."

Sect Leader Jin said what? He still remembered me? Why? Did… did Jin Guangshan know about that Third Jade of Gusu thing? Was _that_ why he was so interested?

Just how long have I had that stupid nickname?

...Nope, not going to think about it.

Also, no way in hell.

"This student fears that he would only be a distraction to Lan-xiangong. This student will have to respectfully decline." I said immediately.

A gathering of cultivators that I couldn't run away from?

No thanks!

Lan Qiren gave a look, and I shut up.

This was going well so far. I didn't need my big mouth screwing me over again.

He glanced down at the report on the desk. "Where would you be placing these talismans, when you were done with them?"

"The Library Pavilion," I said promptly.

Lan Qiren frowned. "You think they will target our library? For what reason?"

_Well, before I was reborn I read a story about your least favorite student and in it, the Wen's attacked and burned down the library and injured you and killed your brother..._

Ha ha, no. I didn't want to die today.

Time to fib my way to victory!

"This student cannot know for sure, but...the GusuLan Library is famed throughout the land. There are none better in any other sect," I said, which was true. "Would the Grandmaster be pleased if another sect claimed they had a better one? Sect Leader Wen is very proud of his sect. To outshine the sun... would he not consider it arrogance?"

Lan Qiren nodded once. "I see."

Yeah. Wen Rohan was the type of douche who wanted to be better than anyone else in every category. It wasn't like he was a reasonable person. Didn't he do the same thing to the Nie Sect leader, when Wen Rohan broke the man's saber for being better than a sword he possessed?

When you were as powerful as Wen Rohan, you didn't have to play by the rules.

"Very well," Lan Qiren said at last. "Your reasoning is sound and your motives are righteous. If it were anyone else, I would have expelled them for such rudeness immediately. In light of both of my nephews' fondness for you, and your own exemplary attitude and conduct until now, I will refrain."

Thank god for favoritism.

I bowed my head in a salute again. "Thanking the Grandmaster for his forbearance and mercy."

It was easier to breathe at least. I shut down the little bit of disappointment in my heart. Not being kicked out was honestly better than I expected. I might not get access to the restricted section, but that just meant I had to search outside - perhaps go to another sect as a foreign disciple to learn that way? I didn't really want to leave the Cloud Recesses, but if I had to I would. YunnmengJiang would be a good option, but...

Protagonist.

Then again, my second best option would be the _Jin_, and - yeah.

Why were all the sects so terrible?

"Raise your head, Yan Ruizhi."

Uh. That tone was strange and I didn't like it. I did as he ordered, and keeping my face carefully blank. _Excessive emotion is forbidden. Excessive speech is forbidden. Disrespect of an elder is forbidden_. Making a goddamn scene because I felt like I was going to have a panic attack wasn't against any specific rules, but it was probably against the spirit of the rules.

Lan Qiren studied me, glancing over my borrowed robe, for one excruciating moment. I felt very awkward in it all of a sudden. Should I have waited until the tailors were done with my new robes? No, I didn't have the time for that. Who knows when the Wen's would decide to attack? Not everyone was a genius of inventing new things like Wei Wuxian. I had to take advantage of all the time I had.

He gave me a wry look. "I supposed it was only a matter of time."

...?

Please don't talk in riddles, Grandmaster. Your student's mind is fragile.

"Very well," Lan Qiren said. "Yan Ruizhi, your request to see the restricted section will be granted."

I - what?

"R-really?" I blurted out, then shrank back under the look he gave me. I bowed my head in apology, heart in my throat.

"Yes. You will only access the restricted library while one of the elders, or Xichen present, and then only two hours per day. You may take notes of the books you read, but copying any texts in full is absolutely forbidden," He speared me with an unamused look. "I am giving you a tremendous amount of trust with this, Yan Ruizhi. It would be best not to abuse it."

He was. He really, _really_ was.

I bowed low again. "This student hears and understands, Grandmaster. I will not let you down."

**:::**

I was escorted to the restricted Library Pavilion in a daze. I couldn't believe that half-assed plan just - worked. Amazing. Was this what if felt like to actually have a plan that worked? It was kind of tingly.

Thank god I hadn't gone with my original idea of just breaking in and asking forgiveness later.

The elder waiting for me at the library pavilion was both surprised and surprising.

"I wondered who persuaded Qiren to give them access to the library. Of course it would be you," Lan Qingtian said, a tiny amused smile on his face.

Lan QingTian, a relative of the main branches of Lans, was the whole reason I was in Gusu. He was the one who extended the invitation to my family in the first place. My father's friend, despite being at _least_ thirty years older. As a cultivator, the only sign of his age was a few white streaks in his hair and the smile lines around his mouth. I didn't like talking to him. Well. I didn't like talking to _anyone_, but he always rubbed me the wrong way. He always seemed like he found the world in general - and me in particular - hilarious.

Also, he might be my grandfather? My grandmother had no husband, and I had no idea who my maternal grandfather was. I knew that Lan QingTian, a very un-lan Lan, was a client of hers in their youths before he met and married his current wife.

It made the whole thing a little weird on my end.

"Elder Lan," I said with a bow, ignoring the question. If I don't acknowledge the general weirdness of the Lan, I won't have to deal with it.

The old man laughed, and beckoned me to follow him. "I suppose you do take after your father, after all. I was beginning to think you inherited all of your mother's hardworking nature and none of your father's penchant for surprising me. A year of night hunting followed by asking Lan Qiren, of all people, for access to the forbidden texts. You are _very_ lucky he likes you, A-Xi."

I keep my face smooth, though I totally agree with Lan Qingtian. The only reason Lan Qiren liked me was because his nephews did. I needed to do something nice for Lan Xichen and Wangji soon. They saved my ass.

"Grandmaster Lan is wise," I said.

Lan Qingtian shot me an amused look. "Such a sweet mouth. Yan Ruizhi resembles his grandmother more every day."

I ducked my head to hide my pleased smile. "This student thanks the elder for his kind words."

Seriously. My maternal grandmother had the poise of a goddess, the eloquence of a diplomat, the grace of a dancer, and a spine made of iron. Steel _wishes_ it was made of her nerves.

She was, no joke, the _coolest_ person I'd ever met.

In _two_ lifetimes.

Lan Qingtian took me through the library, to a small unmarked side door. He tapped his hand against the door and I almost flinched back from the unexpected burst of light that resulted. That was some serious protection. I'm glad I didn't go with the first plan to just break in. I'd probably be dead.

The other side of the door was the same as the regular library layout, but there was a sort of quiet pressure pushing down on me. My eyes flicked from shelf to shelf. My hands twitched. My mouth went dry.

I wanted to read _everything_.

"You have two hours. The basics of talisman creation is over in the far shelf," Lan QingTian said.

I might have broken a rule or two in my haste.

Lan Qingtian laughed.

**:::**

After my two hours were up, I reluctantly left my research behind, taking only my notes with me. It honestly made me a bit sad to leave all those books behind, unread. It felt like they were calling out for me to pick them up and devour the contents.

I'll be back, I promised them silently.

Firstly, I stopped by to pick up my new robes. It was only one set at the moment, because the tailors of GusuLan might be talented, even they couldn't whip up brand new robes with all the protections that implied. I changed into the new robes and ran a hand over the even stitching. All wards and protections were done in white thread, making them nearly invisible except to the touch. I chatted with the tailor while he fixed up a few areas, content to mostly listen while he explained how a particular ward worked and why, and which thread was best. He seemed pleased with my existing knowledge of weaving and sewing.

Apparently, many young Cultivators found tailoring beneath them. The healers said the same thing in the week I stayed with them to learn.

Sometimes, I don't get cultivators. Cooking, tailoring, healing - how was it beneath your pride to learn something you could use to keep yourself alive? It was basic common sense. Pride wasn't worth much if you died of stupidity.

The tailor invited me to come back in a few days to learn more, and I - quite pleased - accepted. More learning was never a waste.

With my new well perfectly fit robes, I made my way to the dinning hall. It was a large, graceful building, much like the rest of the Cloud Recesses. Lan Qiren was sitting in his customary place on the raised dais at the head of the dining hall. It was large enough to fit in the new Lan disciples and all of the guest disciples.

Wei Wuxian sat next to an unsmiling young man. The moment Wei Wuxian caught sight of me, he grinned and waved. "A-xi! A-Xi! Come sit over here with us! I saved you a place," He called out - and in doing so, drew the attention of every single disciple in the fucking room; putting me in the place I hated most - the center of attention.

I'm gonna fucking fight Wei Wuxian. Square up, pretty boy, and prepare to get dunked on.

My palms started to sweat, and I was very aware of every eye on me. I kept my face blank and polite only through years of training.

GusuLan disciples would never do anything so uncouth as to break out into whispers, but I swear to god the disciples sat up straighter as my eyes passed over them. Gusu might be a big sect, but after a few years I knew all the junior disciples by face, if not by name. The ones I didn't know looked at me with eyes like lamps, big and bright.

With a horrified jolt, I recognized the look in their eyes as the same type as my peers: Admiration. I could almost read their thoughts.

_The Third Jade of Lan was back!_

Stop looking up to me! I'm a horrible gremlin! Wangji was sitting right there, next to my usual seat. Idolize him! Or Lan Xichen, the pinnacle of grace, sitting next to his uncle! Anyone but me would do!

I turned to Wei Wuxian, because it was easier than breaking into frustrated tears.

I saluted Wei Wuxian politely. "Thanking Young Master Wei for his thoughtfulness, I must refuse. As I am a GusuLan disciple, I must sit among them."

Wei Wuxian pouted at me, seemingly immune to the scene he was causing. "Didn't I tell you to not be so formal? Aren't we friends already? You saved my life you know! That makes us at least friends - no, brothers!"

Aaand suddenly the boy next to him was scowling at me with murder in his eyes. Definitely Jiang Cheng.

Please don't blame me for Wei Wuxian's stupid whims.

Seriously. I was going to fight Wei Wuxian. I've known him for barely three days, and every single one was terrible. Protagonist or not, he was going the fuck down. I was gonna turn him into _paste_. I struggled to find a polite way to say 'fuck this, fuck you, fuck off', Lan Qiren's voice cut through the air like a whip.

"Wei Wuxian, cease pestering my students. Ruizhi, sit down."

Oh, thank god. I bowed to Lan Qiren and complied. Jiang Cheng mercifully elbowed Wei Wuxian hard in the side when he opened his mouth to protest. Two thumbs up from me, Jiang Cheng.

Even if he was _still_ glaring at me.

_Why?_

I settled into place beside Wangji. With his general aura of 'don't even think of looking at me mortal' most of the disciples went back to their own business.

"Okay?" He asked in a low voice.

I gave him an exhausted smile . "It's just been a long day - I'll tell you about it after dinner, in the Jingshi. I need to give back your clothes anyway."

Wangji blinked, eyes going unfocused, hands pressing into his knees where only I was angled to see him. I glanced down the row to check if Wei Wuxian was doing anything. He was making faces at his food, but nothing that distracting. I nudged my friend slightly. "Wangji?" Earth to the Second Jade of Lan. Are you daydreaming about your future husband? I don't have any problem with that, but maybe a public dinner was not the best place. "Wangji?"

He still wasn't responding.

I elbowed him in the side, discreetly.

Seriously, Lan Qiren was _right there_. Pick a better time to fantasize about Wei Wuxian's pretty pout, or whatever.

He jerked and shifted back slightly. He seemed faintly embarrassed. "Mm. Jingshi."

The food is brought in, giving me no chance to reply.

I poked at it, not really hungry. Did Wangji really have to keep ignoring me in favor of Wei Wuxian? It was stupid, but I felt kinda... not great about it. Wei Wuxian might be his soul mate, the love of his life, the jelly to his peanut butter, but I was still his friend. I kinda wanted to grab Wangji by the ears and force him to l_ook at me. _Maybe if I kissed Wei Wuxian in front of him, he'd -

My brain did a perfect replica of a record scratch.

He'd _what_ \- cut me into itty bitty pieces? What the hell, brain? I know my plans are usually bad but where did _that_ idiocy come from? I stabbed the bitter medicinal salad with my chopsticks.

Fucking hormones. Christ on a cracker, I cannot wait until I'm not a teenager anymore.

Wei Wuxian's pretty face wasn't worth _dying_ for.

I glanced up, and caught someone looking at me. Someone familiar. Someone in Jin gold.

Shit. I forgot he was going to be here too.

Jin Ziyuan blinked at me, and gave me a regal nod. There was something suspiciously friendly about the tilt of his head, especially compared the way his flunkies death glares. He mouthed something to me. 'I need to talk to you.'

The hairs on the back of my neck rose.

Nope.

I give him a polite smile, trying to convey 'I do not understand you' as hard as I can, and look down so he can't try to elaborate.

I stab my terrible salad some more.

I don't start crying pathetically into my food, and I, for one, am very impressed with my self control.

**:::**

**Hey y'all. I'm gonna be doing some side stories from the other characters' povs, but they won't be included in this story. The first one up will be lwj and his year of isolation. **

**Also, i'm gonna be mixing and matching cannons very liberally, by which i mean that i'm going off the books and i'll sprinkle in some drama scenes if they're funny enough. Yin iron? Not funny enough. **

**Drunk Lwj? Definitely funny enough. **


	6. Women Are People, Jin Zixuan

**By foot it's a slow climb**

**Chapter 6**

**Women are people, Jin Ziyuan.**

:::

I walked Wangji back to the Jingshi after supper concluded. The air was cool, and the low buzz of the cicadas filled the quiet between us. He seemed tense in a way that I knew meant he wouldn't welcome conversation. I was alright with that. I felt a strange stillness inside my soul. One year and three months without Wangji's calming presence was hard.

So much, I thought ruefully, for not getting attached.

Inside the Jingshi, the two of us settled around the low table with a steaming teapot a junior set up just outside the main door. I wordlessly poured a cup for each of us. The cool scent sank right into my bones. It was almost like meditation. I focused on my breath. In and out. I waited for the tension in Wangji's spine to relax fully.

"So," I said. "Wei Ying, huh?"

And there the tension was again.

"Do not," Wangji stared at me with wary eyes.

"You're that familiar with him already, Wangji? That's very quick. Of course, I don't blame you," I said blithely. I might not want anything to do with the Wangxian epic romance, but it was still my god-given right as Wangji's best friend to tease him mercilessly. It was good for his character, I told myself piously, and also I was getting proactive revenge for all my future second-hand embarrassment just from being around them. "He seems nice. Very… touchy."

Wangji's ears went bright red. "Desist."

I gave him an amused look. "You like him."

"No."

"There's nothing wrong with meeting new people, Wangji. I promise I won't be offended." Mostly. I was used to being Wangji's favorite person, but I'd get over it. "He seems to like you a lot too."

Wangji jolted up from the table as if electrocuted. "Desist!"

I blinked at Wangji. It wasn't that the two of us never fought - we were friends, but we were also separate people with the differences in opinion that implied. Wangji preferred the guqin, I liked the erhu. Wangji thought that fried food was terrible and unhealthy, and I acknowledged he was right but ate it anyway. He hated it when I swore, and sometimes a good cuss word was the only thing binding my sanity to this realm. Friends who were afraid to disagree with each other were poor ones.

This was the first time he'd ever yelled. Wangji looked surprised as I felt. His face shut down, and he slowly lowered himself to sit again. He looked down at his hands, shame and anger in the bow of his head. I waited while Wangji searched for the words for his feelings. After a few moments passed, Wangji let out a puff of air. He shook his head. Unlike me, Wangji felt things so deeply, sometimes it stole the words out of his mouth and rendered him helpless and silent. This was more than just being unsure of his own words, or feelings. A moment passed, but Wangji said nothing.

"Wangji, what's wrong?" I asked quietly.

He took a shuddering breath. "Do not say such things. Do not like him. Cannot like him. I… I cannot-"

I blinked. "He's not that bad. I think he'd make you a good friend."

Wangji stilled. "Friend."

"Yes," I said. What the hell was - "Oh. You…dodon't want him to be just a friend. You like-like him." I said, like a five-year-old.

Wangji flinched.

Okay! Okay, I guess I saw this coming!

I already knew this, why the hell am I still surprised? I guess - I knew this was coming, but I didn't expect Wangji to get over the denial stage so fast? Didn't it take three full years and a war for him to accept the gay in the canon?

I frowned. "Wangji, why can't you like Wei Wuxian?"

Sure, he was kind of an obnoxious brat, but he was also, objectively, fine as hell. He was talented, funny, good-natured, and kind. Anyone would be pleased to call him husband.

Wangji looked at his tea like it contained the secrets of the universe. "Wei Ying teases. Wei Ying is… unruly. Rude. Unsuitable. Says I am boring, old fashioned. Dislikes me. Uncle dislikes him. Wei Ying is a m-man. Cannot like Wei Ying. It is…immoral"

I blinked. "Immoral? Why would it be...ah."

Right, right. Ancient fantasy china is ancient fantasy china.

I kinda - forgot homophobia was a thing? In my hometown in Zhejiang, it wasn't an issue. My dad became the village head after he retired from being a soldier, and he listened to Grandmothers. Grandmother wouldn't put up with homophobia- her worldview was much more liberal due to her years as a prostitute. My eldest brother married his husband before my fourth birthday, and they were as gross and in love as ever eleven years later. I knew it was bullshit, but Wangji wasn't raised with that knowledge.

My 'emotional conversation' alarm was blaring. I just wanted to tease Wangji; how did this turn into him coming out to me? Why was everything so fucking dramatic with cultivators? It was unbearable and I wanted a refund.

Time! to! escape!

"Well," I said with determined cheerfulness, standing up and brushing imaginary dirt off my new robes. "If you say so, I believe you! It's almost time for curfew anyway. I should get back to my room - "

Wangji caught my sleeve. "Do not… do not leave again."

...God. Dammit.

What he said was 'do not leave' but I could hear what he meant loud and clear. Do not hate me. Do not leave me behind. Do not leave me alone again.

What was with this high-power attack, Wangji? When did you're emotional manipulation level up? How am I supposed to leave when you look like that?

"Let's go to the roof," I said, instead of crying out of frustration.

I just wanted to return Wangji's clothes.

Why?

He meekly followed me as I gathered up the tea set on a tray, walked out of the Jingshi, and jumped up onto the roof of the Jingshi with a brush of spiritual energy. Curfew was in half an hour. The only noise was the call of insects and night dwelling birds drifting in the night. We settled sitting side by side, the tea set balance on the main support beam. Spending time up on the roof of the Jingshi developed early on in my friendship with Wangji. Some days, having someone inside his personal quarters made Wangji bristle like an alley cat, and I was too itchy to sit indoors. It was a compromise.

I looked out over the blue tile roofs of the Cloud Recesses and felt a bubble of peace rise up from my heart. It was beautiful. I loved it. I handed Wangji his tea. He accepted it with careful hands. His shoulders were still tight, and he wouldn't look me in the eyes.

I can almost feel my skin breaking out in hives. I wasn't a naturally comforting person. My response to other people's emotions was 'I would prefer not to, thanks'. Where did I even start? Did I just… tell the truth? I didn't care that Wangji was gay because it didn't really have anything to do with me, personally. Also, I was very, very bisexual myself.

Please feel better so I could forget this situation ever happened, I try to urge Wangji telepathically. He continued to look pale, tragic, and beautiful.

Clearly, I wasn't going to get out of this.

"Okay," I said. Good start. Okay was a nice, neutral word. "Okay. You know that I don't give a shit if you're a cutsleeve, right?"

"Do not swear," Wangji said instantly. Progress! His tone was faint though, and he stopped studying his tea like it contained the secret to immortality."I am not -"

"The reason why I don't care," I said over his lies. "It's because I'm also a cutsleeve."

Utter silence.

Uh, that sure was some expression, Young Master Lan.

It looked like the last time I hit him in the face and broke his nose when we were sparring. He looked like he had a concussion, which meant that he looked slightly confused for a normal person. When Wangji continued to be stunned, I went on. My heart was beating so hard it hurt. I wanted to jump off the roof and flee back to my hometown, bury my face in my grandmother's skirts, and stay there until I felt less like I was peeling back my skin to show Wangji my - _ugh_ \- emotions.

"Technically, I like both men and women," Okay. I could do this. Talking about myself only felt like self-mutilation! I kept my eyes on my team, because if I didn't look at Wangji, it was like he didn't exist, right? The only way I could do this was if I was talking to myself.

Things I'd rather do than have this conversation: Face off against the waterborne abyss again. Brave my mother's attempts at matchmaking. Spend a week trapped in Carp Tower with only a horny Jin Guangshan for company!

The things I did for you, Wangji.

You better invite me to your wedding; I won't stand for any elopement bullshit! I demand a critical role, and actually see you in red! If I don't get it, as your best friend, I reserve the right to guilt-trip you and Wei Wuxian until we're dead for real.

"You," Wangji said. His voice was oddly hoarse. "Lying is forbidden."

I rolled my eyes. "Why would I lie about this?"

"You have never - you do not flirt, with anyone. Even when others approach you."

And you do, Lan Wangji?

Also, what others? I can't think of a single time I'd been flirted with while in Gusu.

"Of course not. I'm busy! I have talismans and work for your uncle to do. I don't have time for romance." I said. "There's no reason to get involved with anyone right now."

"None?"

"None!"

Cannon was coming up soon. My heart was thumping against my chest at the mere thought. Sometimes I thought the stress of anticipation would kill me early - which might be preferable! There was a reason people didn't know their own futures. The certainty was horrible.

I can't stand knowing.

I just want to read. Was that too much to ask?

"Frankly," I barreled on. "I'm a little offended that you thought I'd care! That hurts a little, Wangji! Do I really seem like someone who discriminates over such a minor thing? Who you like doesn't change the fact that I like you," I gently nudged him.

What I don't say:_ I am on your side. No matter what._

I wanted to jump off the roof. Emotional honesty, ugh. I can almost feel myself breaking out.

Wangji was quiet. "Wangji is - Wangji is sorry. Wangji knows that Ruizhi is… good to Wangji."

And then he bows to me. Totally sincere, which was the worst part.

Thanks, I hate it!

"Okay, okay, okay, none of that Wagji. Up! Please don't ever do that again, it's way too weird. " I tugged him out of his bow.

"Show appreciation when -"

"- great favor is bestowed, yes, I know the rules just as well you do. This isn't a favor, this is just basic decency. You don't need to thank me for that," I shoved his drink into his hands. "Drink your tea. Curfew is soon."

Wangji did.

Thank god.

"When will…" Wangji trailed off.

"Hm?"

Wagnji stared into his tea, the tips of his ears red. God, he was so cute. Wangji was my favorite! "Courting. When?"

I blinked, but Wangji said nothing else. He didn't even glance at me.

...The ways of the Lan are mysterious.

"I have no idea. Not until after I turn twenty, at least." I said with a shrug.

Maybe never. Having a significant other was a terrifying notion. I could barely handle having one friend! Wangji and my family - and, fine, Lan Xichen - were enough for me. My heart was a tiny, hard thing. There just wasn't that much of it to go around.

Won't be until after I've run out of cannon, that's for sure. Maybe when Wei Wuxian died.

...Wei Wuxian will be dead in a few years.

I shove that thought down and grind it under my heel. I already knew that. Nothing's changed just because I've seen him smile.

This train of thought was too depressing to ride any further. I'm just gonna let it leave the station without me.

"Twenty," Wangji said. "I will remember."

...Okay? You do that, buddy.

**:::**

Despite my previous promises and Wei Wuxian's invitations, I did not, in fact, fight Wei Wuxian. Intuition told me that it was a bad, bad idea to get him more interested in me. Doubling down on avoidance was the only option.

Unfortunately, that meant confining myself to places I knew he wouldn't go. I spent a lot of time studying in my rooms, or in random empty places around Gusu - avoiding places with people. It was almost like being that feud with the Jin students again, except even more annoying.

Somehow.

Wei Wuxain truly lived up to the Jiang Sect motto 'Achieve the impossible'.

I managed to avoid other cannon characters for almost two weeks. Despite Wei Wuxian's best efforts, it was Jin Zixuan that broke my streak by cornering me in the library in a position I couldn't retreat from.

"Why do you have a kid with you?" Jin Zixuan asked with horror.

I looked up at him. "It's three kids."

It was, indeed, three kids. The kids - four-year-old Lan Shi, six-year-old Lan Jian, and eighteen-month-old Lan Hu all looked up at Jin Zixuan with equally solemn looks on their childish faces. Their tiny forehead ribbons were perfectly tied. You'd never think that Lan Jian was just hiding all his undone worksheets into books while I was pretending not to notice.

"Why do you have three kids with you?"

Good question.

"I am very good at taking care of children."

_Apparently_.

Why was I the go-to babysitter? Did I have 'knows how to take care of kids' written on my face or something? Could moms just smell it on me? This was one thing I hadn't missed about the Cloud Recesses.

Sure, I knew how to take care of kids, but that didn't mean I _liked_ them. I had to learn! It was self-defense! My father's extended family was fucking enormous. My dad had seven siblings, most of them male, most of them with wives, children, and grandchildren of their own – and my Er-ge had children of his own. Not to mention all the times the village ladies dropped off their kids for some free daycare and schooling in the harvest season. Mom was a sucker for little kids and everyone knew it. At our house, you couldn't throw a stone without hitting a brat.

If I was gonna be stuck with the Third Jade reputation, shouldn't it make people too in awe of me to approach me or whatever? Wangji never got stuck with daycare duty! Not that I'm bitter about it, or anything. That was against the rules.

Life was so unfair.

"Do you need something, Young Master Jin?" I asked. Politely.

He blinked, then scowled at me. "This," He said. "Is all your fault."

Eh?

"I… talked to Maiden Jiang. After you left."

Oops.

"I take it that it didn't go well."

His scowl deepened, and he looked away. He muttered something too quiet to hear.

"What?" I asked.

"She cried," Jin Znxuan yelled.

The baby strapped to my chest started crying. Jin Zixuan gave her a horrified look.

The other children flinched and moved closer to me.

I will not punch the heir of the Jin clan. I will not punch the heir to the Jin clan. I will not punch the heir to the Jin Clan.

I gave him a look. "Shouting is forbidden in the Cloud Recesses."

He sighed. "Sorry. I've been - stressed."

I hushed the baby until, eventually, she calmed down enough to just sniffle.

"So," I said. "do you often make girls cry?"

Cause you're two for two right now.

He flushed. "No!"

"Shouting is forbidden in the Cloud Recess," Lan Shi echoed me. His tiny, sticky hand was clenched around my sleeve. Why are kids always snotty or sticky, or both? Even Lan kids. It was a mystery. A disgusting, disgusting mystery.

Jin Zixuan gave a wary glance. "No, I don't make girls cry all the time. Look, my mother is furious. She's making me write an apology letter!"

Okay. And?

I gave him a polite smile. "Apologizing when in the wrong is a sign of maturity."

"You have to help me with it- nothing I write is good enough for my mother. I've done hundreds of drafts. This whole mess is your fault. I only went to talk to her because you said I should!"

Bitch, did I take control of your mouth?

My stomach sank. He wasn't - exactly wrong?

Oh no. What if this had more consequences down the line?

"One must take responsibility for one's own actions," I said to the children. "What do you have to do when you've hurt someone?"

The two children exchanged looks.

"Rule three-hundred and fifty-one: Accept one's faults. Rule three-hundred and fifty-two: Be sincere. Mom says it means that one must apologize, and promise not to do it again," Lan Jian said.

Lan Shi nodded. "Apologize. Sincerity."

"Shinsheer," Lan Hu said, voice still a bit teary. "Mama."

I pat little Lan Hu on the head. "You remembered well."

Lan Jian ducked his head.

Jin Zixuan made a face under my pointed look. "Okay. Fine, it was my fault."

Damn, right it was.

"You still need to help me. I don't know why Mother keeps getting so offended over some random girl." Jin Zixuan sat down. Why are you sitting down, Young Master Jin? Aren't you, like, allergic to children or something? "Maiden Jiang got offended and I'm the one who gets in trouble? Do you have any idea what it's been like at home?"

No, really, why are you sitting at my table and bitching at me?

I can't even tell him to fuck off - there are three pairs of impressionable eyes on us. The two older kids have abandoned all pretenses at doing their homework in favor of watching the strange Jin sect member. GusuLan Children rarely had anything to do with members of other sects.

"Young Master Jin," I said with patience I didn't feel. "What, exactly do you need my help with?"

Jin Zixuan pulled out a piece of ragged paper and thrust it across the table. I gingerly picked it up, as one might pick up a ticking box. It could be a clock. It could be a bomb. Schrodinger's death trap. There was no way to know without looking inside. My fingers itched, the curiosity at war with my desire to run far, far away from this mess of a situation. It was going to be stupid, I could already tell.

I took a deep breath and unfolded the paper.

_Maiden Jiang,_ it started in passable penmanship, _My mother tells me I must apologize for upsetting you. I am sorry that you felt I was harsh - and then the letter just keeps getting worse._ I read with a horrified interest.

How can one apology be so bad?

I set the letter back on the table as if it was a live snake. This was the result of one hundred drafts? How bad was the original?

Bomb it was, then. "Young Master Jin."

"Yeah?"

"Are you, perhaps, trying to start a war between the Jin and Jiang?"

Jin Zixuan blinked. "Is it really that bad?"

It really, really was.

"If someone sent this to my mother after making her cry, I would be morally obligated to feed them to wild dogs one piece at a time."

Jin Zixuan groaned. "This is so annoying. Mother is the one who wants to marry Maiden Jiang into the family - why doesn't she just marry Maiden Jiang herself if it's that important to her?"

He seemed honestly dejected. I'd be sympathetic, but mostly I was horrified. This whole situation was my stupid mouth's fault. I was, unfortunately, going to have to fix this.

Lan Shi patted Jin Zixuan on the back gently. "There, there."

"Is being married to Maiden Jiang that bad?" I asked.

Jin Zixuan sighed. "She's plain, and her cultivation is really low. What man would be happy with a wife like that?"

...That was it? Her cultivation was low and her face was average? Not even a normal person average, need I remind you, but average for _a cultivator_. There was a difference.

A little known fact of cultivation was that qi and golden cores improved a person's looks. Their skin would clear, their scars would fade a bit, and every part of their body would improve in health, from bones to teeth. I watched it happen with my brothers - they went from pimpled, greasy monsters to being handsome enough to trick people into marrying them.

Like all powerful men, cultivators married common women for beauty, and every generation got a little better looking than the one before. That was the reason someone pretty as Wangji even existed!

Jiang Yanli came from a long line of cultivators. Even if she was the ugliest cultivator known to man, she'd still be at least a seven to normal people. The fact that she was 'average' made her at least an eleven.

(For reference, I'd put myself at a nine on the normal person scale, and a solid five on the cultivators one.)

"Who cares about her looks?" I asked, exasperated.

"What?"

"There are many more important things to worry about."

Jin Zixuan's expression was dubious. "Like what?"

"Is she easy to get along with? Can I talk to her about my own interests, and can I listen to hers? Are our views on family, and children, compatible? Will I like her? Does she like me? Can she run a place as big as Carp Tower with the right assistance? Does she know how to budget? Is she capable of diplomacy? Is she kind?" I pressed. "That last one's very important."

You can't build a marriage on a pretty face.

...Okay, I might have a weakness for pretty, competent people but I wasn't stupid. I wouldn't base a marriage on a person's face. Probably. I had trouble thinking about being married myself. I'd most likely end up a scholarly bachelor like Lan Qiren.

If I was to be married, kindness was my only solid requirement. Kind people were worthy of admiration. As someone who was particularly self-centered - see the whole_ avoiding the plot and leaving hundreds of people, some of who I knew to their fate_ thing - I admired them deeply. Politeness I could fake, but kindness? It was beyond me.

It was the reason I had such a hard time not getting attached to Wangji and Lan Xichen. They were both terribly kind in their own ways.

Jin Zixuan stared at me. "Kindness."

"Kindness," I said firmly. "Is she kind?"

"I don't..." JIn Zixuan looked away. "She didn't, um. She didn't stay very long. But she seemed nice?"

"Nice is a good place to start. Look, do you even know what Maiden Jiang likes? What she dislikes?"

"...I don't."

Thought so. "Look, you want your mother to cancel the engagement?"

He blinked. "...Yes? I guess."

"Get to know your fiance then. Make an effort."

"Why would I do that? It'd only encourage her."

God save me from teenagers with no grasp of subtlety. "Because, Young Master Jin, right now all your mother sees is a child throwing a tantrum. If you want her to take you seriously, then be serious. Get to know your fiance, learn about her as a person - not as an abstract concept. Then, if you two don't mesh, you can go to your mother and honestly say that you don't think the marriage will work out. If you tell her seriously, she'd probably lift it. As your mother, she wants you to be happy."

He stared at me. "...Would that… work?"

I have no idea. Did it matter? By the time he got to know Jiang Yanli, he'd probably be embarrassingly in love with her, judging from what I knew.

The engagement would be broken soon enough, and then it wouldn't matter! I wasn't expecting him to listen to my advice anyway.

"How would one go about getting to know a girl," Jin Zixuan said, faux casually. "Not that I need help. I just thought you might have a meager amount of insight."

I restrained myself from rolling my eyes and tap the paper inf front of him. "You can start with an apology first."

He flushed. "Right."

:::

Of course, I end up helping Jin Zixuan with the apology. I wasn't going to be responsible for a war between the Jin and the Jiang just because I couldn't keep my stupid mouth shut. I resentfully walked the spoiled princeling through making an apology that wasn't a garbage fire. This stupid situation was cutting into my talisman time!

Lan Shi and Lan Jian's parents came to pick them up as the day wore on, but Lan Hu remained with me for a while longer. I knew her mother, one of the healers on the woman's side, was attending some sort of meeting so I wasn't surprised. Lan meetings tended to drag. I let the baby nap on my chest in a makeshift sling. I kept one eye on my work and one eye on Jin Zixuan as he struggled with the apology.

It really was a struggle for him. It was almost impressive - everything he said came out insulting, arrogant, or arrogantly insulting. I would bet actual money he'd never apologized to anyone not directly related to him in his life.

Despite that, irritatingly, I found myself liking him a bit.

He wasn't a bad kid; he was just spoiled rotten by both his parents as the only legitimate child and heir. Jin Zixuan had a biting sense of humor, and he was hilariously bad at conversation. Like, worse than Wangji. It was impressive. I could tell he didn't talk to many people outside his own sect. That was probably going to be a problem in the future when he took over as… Sect… leader…

Ah.

Imma just shove that thought into the 'not my problem' pile and forget about it. Like, forever.

...I wish I could stop thinking about it.

Draft after draft littered the small table, each just barely more acceptable than the last. If I had to explain to Jin Zixuan one more time that no, he couldn't just blame Jiang Yanli for being emotional, I was going to kill him. Jin heir or not, I was insulted on behalf of my former gender.

"Women are people, Jin Zixuan," I said, rubbing my forehead. "Please don't imply that she has no feelings," I called him by name because there was only so much distance I could maintain while calling him a fucking idiot (politely) for the fifth time in an hour.

"A-Xi? What are you doing with Jin Zixuan? You'll call him by name, but you won't call me Wei Wuxian?" A voice said over my shoulder. "A-Xi, how could you!"

Jin Zixuan blanched and quickly gathered up the drafts of the letters.

Fuck. My. Life.

"Young master Wei," I said. "What a surprise."

Wei Wuxian threw himself down at the table, a scowl on his face that would be more at home on Jiang Cheng. He gave Jin Zixuan a very unfriendly look.

"What's so good about him, ah? He's just a stupid peacock," He said. "It's so unfair, A-Xi. I'm your friend!"

Since when?

Jin Zixuan saves me from having to answer that with his own scowl. "Why on earth would anyone be friends with someone so rude?"

"You're lecturing me on being rude? At least I don't go around making other people's sisters miserable!"

Jin Zixuan flushed. "That's - that's none of your business, you cretin! And at least I don't go around calling people by their personal names without permission! Were you raised by wolves?"

Wei Wuxian flinched and glanced around as if expecting the words to summon dogs out of the ether. "Don't mention dogs, you stupid peacock - and anyway, it's not like A-Xi cares. I can call him whatever I want because I'm just that charming!"

I did, in fact, mind. I kept my mouth shut, though.

Maybe if the two of them bitched at each other enough, both of them would get angry and storm off. I would have the library to myself again. Well, myself and the child leaning against my chest. I might just change my mind about children - at least Lan Hu was quiet. The girl watched the two idiots bicker with one chubby hand in her mouth and the other bunched up in the collar of my robe.

I kept my head down and focused on my work.

Let the two of them argue. It's got nothing to do with me.

If I keep telling myself that, it might even be true one day!

"-And A-Xi doesn't like you!" Wei Wuxian snapped. "Why would anyone like such an arrogant, rude jerk like you -"

"Do you listen to yourself speak? Unbelievable. It's almost impressive how oblivious you are. How does Maiden Jiang put up with you? Her taste in people must be even worse than I thought -"

_"DON'T TALK THAT WAY ABOUT SHIJIE!"_

Lan Hu burst into tears.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I'm not going to fight Wei Wuxian, but I really fucking want to. A flick of my spiritual power and blessed silence fills the library. Thank god for the silencing spell and for Wangji teaching me, even if he was technically not supposed to.

Lan Hu rubs her face over my robes, getting tears and who knows what else all over them. Gross. Children were gross.

"Shh," I whisper, "Shh, it's alright, Zhi-_ge_ is right here. Nothing is wrong, what are you crying for, ah? Shh, shh. The rude boys won't yell anymore, I promise."

Eventually, Lan Hu quieted down.

"Zhi-_ge_," She said, sniffling. "Zhi-_Gege_."

"That's right, Zhi-ge," I run a hand over her back, soothing. "You're okay. Nothing scary is happening.

When I look up again, I find both of them looking at me, mouths open but no sound emerging. Wei Wuxian was flushed from the yelling and staring at me.

"If you two are quite finished," I said. "Allow me to remind you that shouting is forbidden in the Cloud Recesses."

Jin Zixuan flushed, and he gave a tight nod. Good. For all his fancy breeding, his behavior was deplorable. I expected as much from Wei Wuxain, the heathen, but Jin Zixuan? He needed to be better. How was he going to be sect leader if something like this broke his composure? Sure Wei Wuxian was incredibly obnoxious, but there were thousands of obnoxious people in the world - most of them in the Jin Sect.

Not that it mattered, in the long run. I supposed he wouldn't be the Jin Sect Leader in the future anyway.

...Sometimes I want to hit my brain with a rock.

Wei Wuxian - was looking at Lan Hu strapped to my chest, for some reason. His mouth was parted slightly.

I frowned. "Young Master Wei?"

Wei Wuxian jerked, met my eyes, and nodded frantically. A flush of anger tinted his cheeks. Please don't let this be the one time Wei Wuxian actually decided to hold a grudge about the silencing spell. I would actually cry.

I reluctantly broke the silencing spell.

Farewell, my peace and quiet.

"Jin Zixuan, the rest of your - matter," I said, glancing at Wei Wuxian, his face still flushed. "Is something that you must do on your own, I think."

Jin Zixuan opened his mouth, glanced at Wei Wuxian, and let out a long sigh. "Fine. I'll show you the draft before I send it."

"That would be for the best," I agreed.

I really, really did not want to be responsible for a blood feud between Jin and Jiang. I have enough on my plate with the fact that two out of the four people in this room will be dead in a few years.

...Stop. Focus.

Jin Zixuan left.

Wei Wuxian did not.

Of course. When have I ever been that lucky?

I set Lan Hu next to me with a set of inks and some inert talisman prototypes. They were harmless and he might as well use them up. A few weeks after starting my project, I was no closer to figuring out a stable design. I did have a few texts on the Wen Qi fire to work off, but it was still difficult to defend against something I'd never seen personally.

We Wuxian was oddly quiet. It didn't last long, but at least I got some work in before he started bugging me. Finally, when he was tired of trying to irritate me, he draped himself across the table in front of me, throwing off my work.

I will not fight Wei Wuxian. I will not bite him. I will not punch his pretty, pretty face.

Wei Wuxian pouted. "A-Xi, when did you and that peacock get so close?"

"Young Master Jin and I were acquainted before he came to the Cloud Recesses," I said. "Did you need something from the library, Young Master Wei?"

Please let me help you so you go away faster. I had work to do.

"I was avoiding Lan Zhan - I mean, I thought I'd look for a place to study. Because this is a library."

...He was looking for a place to hide after bothering Wangji. Trying to avoid punishment? Whatever. Not my problem. I wasn't in charge of discipline, thank god.

"Is that so," I said, tying Lan Hu's fine hair back, as well as adjusting her clothes so she wouldn't get ink on them. Lan Hu, preoccupied with her artwork, ignored me.

"Is this your little sister?" Wei Wuxian asked. "You're pretty good with kids! Your wife will be in for a treat when you get married!"

...Thanks for the random compliment?

Not that I ever planned on getting married.

Satisfied with Lan Hu's distraction, I shifted through the texts on the table until I found out where I left off before Cannon Characters decided to crawl out of the woodwork. "Thank you."

"So," Wei Wuxian said. Why was he still here? "What are you working on? Is that - talismans? Something for fire? No, that's not quite right. Fire, but with a spiritual aspect? Or, not spiritual, but made from Qi?"

Shit. I forgot Wei Wuxian was some sort of uber genius.

Wei Wuxian looked over the table with a rare serious look on his face. "A-Xi, why are you attempting to create a talisman that deals with Qi fire? Has... has anything happened?"

I heard what he didn't ask. Has anything happened with the Wen?

I didn't react. "Young Master Wei asks many questions."

Wei Wuxain laughed. "Yeah, Jian Cheng always tells me to mind my own business!

Unfortunately, though I have many, many talents, that isn't one of them!"

A quiet settled over the room like a blanket.

A tiny hand tugged my sleeve. "Zhi-_gege_, look."

I looked. Lan Hu proudly showed me a paper full of ink scribbles. I dutifully inspected it, because God knows I only made the mistake of not looking at a child's art once. The fucking tantrum - just the memory gave me a headache.

Lan Hu seemed content to babble about her work, tears forgotten in the way of all small children.

Wei Wuxian was quiet. "You really are good with children, huh?"

Against my will, I can assure you.

"I have five older brothers and a lot of cousins. They have children," I said. "It was self-defense."

"A-Xi!" Wei Wuxian's laugh was delighted. "Five elder brothers, really? I only have one elder sibling. I can't imagine having that many."

"It can get... irritating."

Wei Wuxian laughed again. It lit him up from the inside - like his golden core was shining out of his skin. He really was unfairly handsome. Wangji, the poor young man, had no chance against someone who shone so brightly. Even though Wei Wuxian could be incredibly annoying, it was offset by his inherent charm. He was hot and funny and nice! A triple knock out!

_Ugh_.

"I bet! A-Xi, A-Xi, can I help you with the talismans?" Wei Wuxian said.

Eh?

"I'm pretty good with talismans, I could help you!" Wei Wuxian tugged my sleeve in an echo of Lan Hu moments before. "I've never seen some of this stuff. Please, please, pretty please?"

I hesitated. Wei Wuxian was, canonically, an inventor. I could modify existing designs to do something more, but creating things from scratch? That took a level of genius I just didn't have. I relied on bullheaded, single-minded, harsh practice to keep up with Wangji. Wei Wuxian did that with no apparent effort.

On one hand: Wei Wuxian was unquestionably good at talismans. I had a whole story to prove it.

On the other: _Protagonist_.

As if sensing my weakness, Wei Wuxian leaned in close, his grey eyes bright, a mischievous smile on his full lips. "A-Xi, pretty please? I think we could make something amazing together."

I wavered. A war started up in my heart between my logic and my hormones.

_Ngh. Boy pretty._

Of course, he's pretty! He's the protagonist.

_Those eyes -_

The! Protagonist!

"Wei Ying," A familiar voice broke through my warring desires before I caved. Huanguang-jun already earning his reputation of being where the chaos was. Wangji stood with his back straight, and his posture perfect. I could read the irritation in the flick of his fingers. His eyes were on Wei Wuxian - who was very much inside my personal space.

_Uh_.

I inched back from Wei Wuxian the slightest bit.

No violations of the bro code here, Wangji.

Wei Wuixian's smile went from bright to incandescent. It doused me in cold water. Right, right. Destiny, fated lovers, devotion, all that jazz. Wei Wuxian wasn't consciously flirting, much less flirting with me. He was just a natural airhead.

I let out a private, relieved breath. That could've gone pretty badly.

"Lan Zhan! I was just talking to A-Xi about his talismans!"

"Late."

"Eh?"

I sighed. "You're late for your punishment. Hello, Wangji."

Wangji nodded but said nothing. His attention was all on Wei Wuxian's suddenly shifty face.

Wei Wuxian leaned back. "Oh, right. Punishment. Totally forgot about that!"

Liar.

"Thank you for your generous offer, Young Master Wei," I said. "It seems that you have a prior commitment."

Wei Wuxian pouted at me. "A-Xi is so cold to poor Xianxian. Xianxian thinks that A-Xi should be nice as an example for the children. Xianxian wants A-Xi to play gently with him, not be mean. Xianxian doesn't want to copy boring old scrolls with boring old Lan Zhan - mph! Mph, mph!"

"Shameless," Wangji's voice was ice cold.

Xianxian should look at the thunderstorm on his future husband's face before he gets A-Xi Bichen-ed to death. I smiled my customer service smile at Wei Wuxian, polite and vapid.

"Have a good day, Young Master Wei. Wangji," my smile became real. "Shall we practice together tonight?"

Wangji glanced at Wei Wuxian, then gave a tight nod. Then he grabbed Wei Wuxian's collar and dragged the boy away.

RIP Wei Wuxian. I'll burn incense at your memorial tablet.

"Mph!" Wei Wuxian protested.

I looked at Lan Hu. "Boys can be very dumb. You should avoid them in the future."

The little girl considered this - then tried to eat her ink covered brush.

I hate children.

**:::**

**Heey guysss long time no write! This chapter turned out at 10,000 words and i cut it n half. Then i added 2k more. So it's almost at 7k.**

**So.**

**You know. On the bright side ch 7 is nearly done?**

**People who said jzx would thank yrz: lol. Sorry jzx is a disaster human and it's gonna take more than yrz to stop him from putting his foot in his mouth, the moron.**

**Next time: drunken shenanigans! What is yrz like when he's drunk? ;) you'll find out**


	7. Cracking open a cold one with the boys

**by foot it's a slow climb**

**Chapter 7**

**Cracking open a cold one with the boys**

**:::**

As a direct disciple of Lan Qiren, I had to be proficient in several subjects. I have to know the sect's rules, know the tenants and shared laws of the cultivation world, and my manners must be impeccably beyond reproach, and, of course, I had to be proficient with the Guqin.

Gusu might be famous for its musical cultivation, but the guqin was the one instrument that stood above all the rest. Inquiry and other such techniques were a true contribution to the cultivation world. Inquiry was the safest way ever created to communicate with the dead.

It was also the most difficult.

Inquiry required pin-point control over one's qi, on top of learning a whole new language, because that's what it was: a wholly musical language. The fact that Wangji was already a master of Inquiry at fifteen was nothing short of prodigious. His skills were truly worth all the praise he got.

I wasn't at Wangji's level, but my playing was deemed passable. My skill with the guqin was good thanks to childhood lessons, and my qi control was excellent from all the healing I did, but the interpreting… I was shit at, to put it mildly.

I liked the guqin well enough. I enjoyed listening to Wangji more than I liked playing myself, though.

No, _my _favorite instrument was the erhu.

I first learned the erhu at my mother's knee. I remember being small and quiet, staring at my mother with my fist in my mouth. The erhu was extremely versatile in range because it resembled a human voice.

When my mother played, the erhu laughed and cried, just like a human would. She could perform a duet with herself! So cool! It was one of the few courtesan arts that my mother kept up with from her time in the brothels. The only one that she surpassed my grandmother in.

I wanted to learn, so she taught me.

When I passed the proficiency test, I moved out of the junior quarters and into my own tiny house on the grounds. It was a mark of regard from Lan Qiren that I didn't have to share with another senior disciple - letting me stay up past nine, practicing my erhu without worry.

Favoritism for the win.

The moon rose like a great whale on the horizon, broad and calm. Years of practice made it easy to play only moonlight as my guide. I wasn't playing any great songs - Just snatches of music from my old life, songs I missed. They were just flickers of memory, like candles guttering in the wind.

The notes poured out of my hands; A lady Gaga song, four bars of an old cartoon theme song - Steven Universe, I think, a few snatches of megalovania. Finally, I settled on working through an old theme song for a drama I watched in my previous life. The characters were barely streaks, and the plot was hazy, but the music I remembered- it was beautiful, full of longing for things long gone—nostalgia for a different time.

A knock on the door shifted me from my music. I blinked. Curfew was in ten minutes. Why would anyone be visiting me now? A flick of my spiritual energy lit a white candle on my desk. I put down my erhu, walked across the room with a candle in hand, and opened the door.

Wangji stood out like a beacon against the dark sky behind him.

I blinked. "Wangji?" Wangji rarely left the jingshi after dark. "Is something wrong?"

His face was half in shadow, but there was something off about his eyes. Like he was having trouble focusing. He blinked once, and his gold eyes finally focused on my face.

"Ruizhi," He said, and nothing else. He swayed slightly.

Worry rose in me. "Wangji, are you sick? What's wrong - "

"Lan Zhan! Lan Zhan, where are you?" A voice hissed down the corridor. "Aiyah, I'm going to be in so much trouble. What on earth am I going to tell Jiang Cheng? It was good music, but did you have to chase it, Lan Zhan?"

I blinked. "Young Master Wei?"

Silence.

The sound of footsteps down the bridge leading to my house, Wei Wuxian skidded to a stop just short of knocking Wangji over, his eyes wide, and his smile nervous. "A-Xi! What a coincidence! Lan Zhan and I were just - out for a nighttime walk! Just two friends, being friends out in the moonlight, you know how it is."

"No," Wangji said.

Wei Wuxian's face scrunched. "No, what?"

Wangji grabbed my shoulder and pulled me behind him. Startled, I fumbled the candle so it wouldn't set Wangji's hair on fire. Wangji shifted until I couldn't see Wei Wuxian at all.

"Mine," Wangji said.

"Uh," Wei Wuxian said.

"Young master Wei? What's going on?" I asked, leaning out from behind Wangji.

Wei Wuxian gave a nervous laugh and didn't meet my eyes. "Nothing, nothing! There's nothing wrong; I have everything under control!"

Wangji raised his sleeve to block my view. "_No_."

Seriously, what the hell? Was this some sort of qi deviation? You like him so much; I'm not even allowed to _talk _to Wei Wuxian anymore?

Irritated, I ducked under Wangji's arm. He was too slow to stop me - he was moving oddly.

"Hold this," I shoved the candle into Wei Wuxain's hands. I touched Wangji's cheek and focused my spiritual energy. It was still harder to heal others than heal myself, but I was almost proficient in it after constant practice. Plus, it was Wangji. I was nearly as familiar with his qi as I was with my own. It was easier to heal him than anyone else.

"No injuries, meridians are fine, no fever -" I stopped. That couldn't be right. I reran the scan.

Wangji seemed content to stay under my hand. He turned his face into my palm, gold eyes closing.

The scan came up the same way.

I dropped my hand and spun to glare at Wei Wuxian. "Young master Wei. Would you kindly explain why I'm getting readings off Wangji as if he is _drunk_?"

Wei Wuxian smiled brightly. "I'm sure I have no idea, haha. Drinking in the Cloud Recesses is forbidden!"

A pair of arms snaked around my shoulders. I froze. Wei Wuxian froze, eyes wide. Wangji -

Wangji was.

Is he hugging me?

_...?!_

has shut down. Please reboot.

Young Master Lan, what was with this stealth attack? Sure, I was working on the physical touching thing, but this was - he'd never done more than nudge me on his own! What the fuck was going on?

"Is he fucking drunk?" I demanded of Wei Wuxian.

A hand covered my mouth. "Do not swear."

I could feel Wangji's hands, familiar and calloused against my mouth. I felt his deep voice through my chest, against my back, climbing up my spine to settle in my eardrums as if it belonged there. I swallowed hard. Heat rose along my spine.

_Oh my god, abort, abort, _abort _\- _

Wei Wuxian laughed nervously. "Well, uh. I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about! Lan Zhan drinking, what a notion. Right, Lan Zhan?"

"Ruizhi. Smells good." Wangji's lips brushed against my cheek.

All I could do was stare at Wei Wuxian and try not to explode into a puddle of embarrassment. He looked almost as embarrassed as I felt, his eyes wide and his cheeks a fetching, delicate pink. God, even his obvious embarrassment, looked good on him.

No wonder he was the one Wangji fell for.

The thought cooled my blood faster than jumping in the cold spring. Right, right, Wangji was the male lead; he belonged to Wei Wuxian, body and soul. Good thing I remembered, otherwise I might have made some dangerous assumptions about what Wangji was doing here while he was so drunk.

Wangji hummed under his breath, and I felt it in my bones.

Even if it meant nothing, it was still _embarrassing _how stupid I was for forgetting it.

"A-Xi," Wei Wuxian glanced between Wangji and me. "You and Lan Zhan are excellent friends."

...I mean, yeah? Obviously?

I put a lot of effort into being his friend! Once I decide to do something, I'm all in. Most of the time. Half of the time. Well. When it came to stuff I cared about, anyway.

"Ruizhi is good," Wangji said, voice stern.

Wei Wuxian laughed. "I know that, Lan Zhan! This poor Wei Wuxian has already been saved twice by the heroic Third Jade of Gusu. You don't have to convince me that A-Xi is good."

Wangji hummed, pleased.

I was going to fucking _expire_. Rest in peace, Yan Ruizhi, who died when two pretty people started talking about how good he was. Ugh. My neck felt like it was on fire. Thank god I didn't blush easy.

Besides, _Wangji_ was the good one! Too good! If he wasn't so good, would I still be in Gusu, stuck between the love interest and the protagonist? Author, you have a lot to answer for. My poor soul stood no chance against Wangji, and Lan Xichen and Lan Qiren - and, why were all the Lans' so good?

Unfair! Unjust! Unrealistic! Other words that begin with un!

I was going to file a complaint with the Author!

I sighed. "Wangji, Young master Wei, you should return to your rooms. Curfew has passed, and the patrol will be by soon -"

Footsteps sounded down the short walkway leading past my house, and I blanched. God, sometimes I have to wonder about my luck. Is it _me_? Am I the problem? Did I somehow do this to myself?

If Wangji were found like this, he'd never let himself live it down. There wasn't much cover this far out - my small dwelling sat in the middle of a small lake, with a bridge leading over the water; once you turned the corner leading to the bridge, the whole lake was visible. I could see the patrols lantern coming down the winding steps. They'd turn the corner in seconds.

No time to hide.

I grabbed Wangji and Wei Wuxian and dragged them inside.

Wei Wuxian yelped. "What -"

I covered Wei Wuxian's mouth. "Shh," I hissed.

He stared at me.

"Put out the candle," I hissed.

Wei Wuxian did, and the room was plunged into darkness. Weak moonlight streamed through the circular window to the side, trailing over the stacks of papers, the scrolls, the books on every visible surface. It was a mess because I just finished moving from my old rooms to this one.

The light passed through my door, faintly. A beat passed. The light began to recede.

I waited a few seconds, just in case - nothing. I let out a long sigh. "Fuck, that was close."

"Um," Wei Wuxian said.

I looked over. My hand was still over his mouth, and we were standing way too close. I jerked my hand away. Wei Wuxian and Wangji both looked at me. Wangji's face was its usual blank self, but there was something vacant about his eyes.

Shit, my cool-headed facade!

I folded my hands behind my back and felt my face settle into distant but polite. "My apologies, Young Master Wei."

Wangji tugged on my sleeve like a child. "Ruizhi."

"What?"

"Ruizhi."

"...What?"

"_Ruizhi_."

I gave up. Wangji continued tugging on my sleeve, saying my name quietly over and over again. He didn't seem to want anything. It was like he was saying it just to say it.

He _was _drunk.

"Alright, Wangji. Let's go sit," I said. He followed after me quickly enough.

Maybe if I ignored Wei Wuxian enough, he'd go away.

No luck.

He followed Wangji and me.

I could feel the curiosity radiating off him. His eyes skipped over my room, taking in the stacked bookshelves, the stand for Sansheng in the corner, the still neat bed, my erhu sitting where I left it.

I sat Wangji down at the low table and sat down next to him with a sigh. He still had a hold on my sleeve. Wei Wuxian followed and sat on the opposite side.

I gave Wei Wuxian an unamused look. "If you insist on staying, I would appreciate an _explanation_, Young Master Wei."

Wei Wuxian grinned at me. "Well, I was having a little get together in my room with my friends, and Lan Zhan decided he wanted to join in! I tried to convince him not to- the rules and all - but he insisted."

"Alcohol is forbidden in the cloud recesses," I said. "Lying is forbidden. Immorality is forbidden. Behaving rudely as a guest is forbidden. Breaking curfew is forbidden."

"Hey! I could be telling the truth."

"Wangji is _drunk_, Young Master Wei. Are you expecting me to believe he is that way by choice?"

"He could be!"

I looked at him, incredulous.

His broad smile faltered for a moment. "Okay, maybe not. The drinking was my fault, but I swear the rest of it was all Lan Zhan! How was I supposed to know that a single cup of wine was enough to get him drunk? What kind of lightweight is he? And, the curfew breaking - I tried to get him back to his rooms, but he kept insisting that he had something important to do! He's the one who dragged me over here! How else would I know where you lived?"

Wangji's arms snaked around me again, pulling me up against his side. "Ruizhi. Do not drink. Alcohol is forbidden."

He was treating me like a teddy bear.

Wei Wuxian's Cheshire smile nearly split his face apart. "You and Lan Zhan are close, huh?"

"Mm," Wangji said. "Close with Ruizhi."

Wangji sure fucking was. One of his hands burned against my waist, and the other was slung around my shoulder.

I could feel the telltale pressure of a migraine forming.

I held out my hand. "The rest of the alcohol, Young Master Wei."

He folded his arms. "I don't have any!"

I just stared at him, unamused. Wangji seemed to have transferred his drunkenness to resting his forehead on my shoulder. God, I hope he doesn't remember this in the morning. It was awkward enough that _I_ had to remember it. He'd be so embarrassed.

Wei Wuxian cracked first. Grumbling, he fished out a white bottle out of his sleeve and handed it over. "Emperor's smile is very expensive, you know," He grumbled. "Ah, barely got to taste it. This is robbery, robbery!"

Ignoring him, I weighed the clay pot in my hands. There was still a fair amount left. I looked at the bottle and thought about Wangji waking up in the morning and realizing what happened. He'd report himself for breaking the rules for sure. I looked up at the ceiling, then glanced at Wangji, who hung off my neck like the world's most beautiful necklace.

I sighed, resigned.

Fuck it.

I uncorked the pot and took a long pull.

Wei Wuxian squeaked.

Emperor's smile had a burn to it, but I managed to get it down without coughing. I wiped my mouth with my sleeve. Whoo, that was a rush. It wasn't that strong, but it had a bit of a kick. Spicy. No wonder Wei Wuxian liked it so much. I could feel it working already. My body warmed, and my shoulders relaxed down.

When Wangji woke up and reported this to Lan Qiren tomorrow, I didn't want him to face it alone. Solidarity, you know?

Also, if I had to deal with Wei Wuxain's teasing, I wouldn't do it _sober_.

The warmth spread from my chest. It was acting far quicker than I remembered in my previous life. Was the alcohol stronger, or was it because I was part Lan?

"I should probably ask Laolao if I'm part Lan," I mused, more to myself than anything. Grandmother would tell me if I asked.

"What? No, wait, that's not important! Why did you do that? Alcohol is forbidden!" Wei Wuxian leaned over the table.

I shrugged. Eh. The bro code outweighed the rules any day.

(Lan Qiren would be _so mad,_ but that was a problem for future me.)

Wangji took the bottle out of my hands, a tiny scowl on his face. "Alcohol is forbidden."

"It sure is," I said.

"You drank."

"Yup."

Wangji stood up and walked to the window - and dumped the alcohol in a flower pot sitting on the sill. Then he threw the empty bottle out of the window. I heard a distant splash.

Wei Wuxian and I looked at each other, blank-faced.

Wangji came back over and sat beside me again. "No more alcohol."

"Good job, Wangji," I said at last. "I'll accept punishment in the morning. You need to leave now if you want to make it back to the Jingshi before nine."

The patrols enforced curfew, but they usually let disciples pass if they were heading back to their rooms. Anyone caught out after nine was out of luck, though.

Wangji paused - then looked away from me nonchalantly. He pulled me in closer and rested his chin on my shoulder. "Curfew is soon."

I just said that. "Yes. You should leave if you want to make it."

He ignored me again.

I leaned over, trying to catch his eyes. "Wangji. Wangji. Hey, Wangji, look at me."

He turned his head again.

He was ignoring me.

I accepted this with a roll of my eyes. Wangji wanted to stay over? Fine, whatever. It wasn't like I never slept in the Jingshi.

"Sleepover it is," I said. "Let me go, and I set up the spare bed."

Wangji did not.

"Wangji," I said.

He turned his head, ignoring me again.

"Do you want to sleep on the floor? I will let you sleep on the floor," I said.

He still ignored me.

"A sleep-over sounds like fun!" Wei Wuxian said.

"Ah," I said. "I forgot you were still here."

I paused. I… I didn't mean to say that out loud.

Hm.

That should probably concern me. I was too warm and loose to care, though.

Wei Wuxian spluttered. "Rude! So rude! A-Xi, how could you? Xianxian is appalled at your manners, just atrocious, ah! What would Lan Qiren say? Treating a guest like that, how could you. Treating your guests as an inconvenience is forbidden!"

"Is it," I said. I stood up and dragged Wangji behind me like a particularly heavy shadow. My head swam in the pleasant heat of the alcohol, but I still remembered I needed to drink water. Hangovers were no joke.

"It is!"

"Too bad I don't care."

I paused in the middle of pouring my water. The water dripped into the cup, each drop creating a tiny ripple.

… I didn't mean to say that either. I was saying things without meaning too, and that - that was bad, wasn't it? I couldn't remember why, but it was _terrible_.

Dread, distant and sour, rose in my heart.

Wei Wuxian laughed, and the sound distracted me from whatever that thought was. He had such a nice laugh. "A member of GusuLan not caring about rules? Be still my beating heart!"

I hummed, then offered Wangji a cup of water.

He looked at it like it was a snake.

"Drink it," I said.

"Not thirsty."

"Don't care. Do it."

"Mn."

"Because you'll regret it in the morning if you don't."

"Tch."

"Don't give me that. Drink it, or you can go back to the Jingshi," I said.

Wangji looked away.

"Wangji," I said, tone firm.

He huffed but took a sip. I rolled my eyes; He was so dramatic. It'd be annoying if I didn't find it so endearing. I could see his shoulders drooping fractionally, a sure sign of his exhaustion. His bedtime was creeping upon him.

"How on earth do you understand Lan Zhan so well?" Wei Wuxian asked, fascinated.

Ah. I forgot he was there again. I should probably stop doing that! Protagonist, or whatever the fuck.

"Practice," I said. "Did you _need _something, Young Master Wei?"

He grinned at me, head propped up on his hands. "Not going to offer _me_ a drink, A-Xi? How could you be so rude? Are you the Third Jade of Lan, with an attitude like that? "

I felt my face twist in disgust. "Don't call me that."

"You don't like it?"

"No," I said. "It's a stupid name created by stupid people that puts too much pressure on teenagers."

Wei Wuxian laughed silently. He covered his face with his hands, but it wasn't enough to hide the red flush to his skin. "I-is that so?"

God, he was pretty. "That's so. All I want to do is read books and fight monsters. I don't need a fancy reputation to do that."

Sure, reputation was important, but for someone like me, it just... didn't matter. I didn't get it. I couldn't make myself care. The only thing you can rely on in life are your skills. You can't take reputation with you when you die - wouldn't I know that best? Why the fuck should I inconvenience myself for the sake of some faceless mob's opinion?

Shan't. Won't.

Plus, the thought of the attention Wangji got turned towards me made me want to die all over again.

No thanks.

Wei Wuxian tilted his head. "True. I guess I never thought about it like that."

I wasn't surprised.

Cultivator culture - well, Chinese culture - put a lot of emphasis on 'reputation.'

"It is nine," Wangji announced.

Oh shit - I lunged forward just in time. Only my cultivation enhanced reflexes let me catch him before he crumpled to the ground. I was having flashbacks to the first time I slept over at the Jingshi when we were twelve, and Wangji tried to stay awake to read with me.

He just couldn't do it. When nine came around, he was out like a light, no matter what we were doing. It got better as we got older but being drunk messed with Wangji's internal clock.

Wei Wuxian jerked up, half out of his seat. "What happened? Is Lan Zhan okay? Should I get a healer?"

"It's fine. He's just sleeping." I said.

"Eh? Sleeping?"

"It's nine."

Wei Wuxian blinked. "That is... adorable."

It was.

Carefully, I gathered Wangji in a princess carry. He was heavier than the last time I picked him up, but I was a lot stronger than I looked. All those handstands were showing their worth, ha.

Wei Wuxian squeaked.

I ignored him, walked across the room to my bed, and laid Wangji down. Shoes off, belt off, hairpiece out. I hesitated over the forehead ribbon but ultimately decided to leave it. It wasn't for me to touch. Even _I_ got uncomfortable at the idea of anyone handling mine, and I've only had it a fraction of the time Wangji's had his. Finally, I pulled the white blanket over him.

Pale skin, dark hair spread over the sheets, long eyelashes casting shadows on his cheeks - I could only sigh for how pretty Wangji was. It was hard for my stupid, bisexual heart to endure.

I brushed a bit of hair out of his face. "So much trouble."

"It's a good thing he's pretty, huh? Why aren't you taking his ribbon off as well?"

...Keep forgetting Wei Wuxian! Why?!

Thank god I don't blush easy. I straighten the sheets to give myself a moment. Emotions, what emotions? Bros tucked their bros into bed all the time. It was no biggie. I crushed my softer feelings into a ball and casually tossed it over my shoulders. Blushing? Me?

Certainly not.

I returned to the table. Wei Wuxian watched me sit with a quirk to one side of his mouth. I distrusted it instantly.

I eyed him warily. "Only parents and spouses may remove the ribbon, Young Master Wei. It would be an unforgivable breach of trust to touch it without his express permission."

He blinked. "What?"

"Yes. Really. You should return to your dorms, Young Master Wei," I said. "You have classes in the morning."

Wei Wuxian glanced at Wangji asleep on the bed, shuffled closer, and pulled a second jar out of nowhere, a sly smile tucked into the corner of his pretty mouth. He offered the pot to me as if presenting a great gift.

Slowly, I took the jar and inspected it. It was full.

"...Do you have a qikuan pouch sewn into your sleeve?" I asked. Seriously, how did he hide not one, but two jars of liquor like that?

It made no sense.

Wei Wuxian grinned. "No, but that's an amazing idea! How would that even work? You have such interesting ideas, A-Xi. If you let me stay, I'll share my very last jar of emperors' smile with you, ah! Don't kick me out in the cold now. What if I got lost on the way to the dorms? What if I caught a cold and died? What would be said about GusuLan hospitality then? I think that it would be unfortunate for such a good looking young man to die so young, and I'd have no choice but to come back as a ghost and haunt you," With every sentence, Wei Wuxian leaned closer over the table until Wei Wuxian sprawled over it. He looked up at me through long, long eyelashes. "That's what will happen, A-Xi! You'll have to deal with a ghost touching your stuff and playing the erhu badly. Is that what you want?"

...I would not fight the protagonist, no matter how annoying he was.

I would _not_.

I sighed. "Young Maste Wei, I don't think that's a good idea -"

"I'll help you with those talismans you were working on," Wei Wuxian said.

_Fuck. _

Now _that _was a tempting offer. I'd been stuck for days, and Wei Wuxian was a proven genius. He'd be able to help.

From the look smug look on his stupid, pretty face, he knew it too.

I would _not _fight the protagonist.

I would, however, indulge in an eye-roll. "You may stay until the jar is empty, Young Master Wei."

Wei WuXian silver eyes lit up. He bowed to me. "Many thanks, Young Master Yan."

Whatever.

In the words of our Lady of Bombastic Confidence, Lizzo: blame it on the juice.

**:::**

The talisman talk lasted half a jar. Don't get me wrong - Wei Wuxian lived up to his future reputation as a master of invention. Most of his ideas were straight-up insane, or stupid, or impractical with my skill level, but some of his suggestions helped me solve a few of my problems.

Then, with the alcohol flowing freely, Wei Wuxian turned to talk of romance.

God save me from fucking _teenagers_.

"Are you _sure _you don't want to marry my Jiejie, A-Xi?" Wei Wuxian asked.

"No."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Really, really?"

I rolled my eyes at him again. "Really, really."

He grinned at me. "A-Xi is so tender, so manly! Good with children and with taking care of people, ah, how could any woman resist? My Jiejie is the best woman - no, the best _person_ in the world, I promise! You're much better and handsomer than that stupid peacock. Won't you at least consider it?"

"Not interested," I said bluntly.

Jian Yanli was lovely, sure, but - canon characters were a no go.

Wei Wuxian slumped across the table. "Pretty, pretty please, A-xi? I promise to only humiliate you a little at the wedding! I won't even make you eat any peppers! Please, please, please! I don't want to be related to any Jin. You're my only hope."

Understandable.

But still no.

I ignored him and took another sip of the emperors' smile. Wei Wuxian was much more tolerable with the warmth of the alcohol in my veins, dulling the horrible awareness that he'd be dead in less than five years. My panic was almost bearable! I was dizzy from how light I felt without constant, nagging anxiety to ground me.

The room was warm, the light low and gold in the gentle glow of a light talisman - Wei Wuxian and I invented it in ten minutes when we grew annoyed with trying to read in the flickering candlelight. It left most of the room in shadow; it was like Wei Wuxian, and I sat at a table floating in a dark sea.

Somewhere beyond the dark, Wangji slept.

"Nope," I said.

He sighed mournfully. "Ah, I suppose my broken heart will mend. Eventually."

And then. My fucking mouth says: "I might want a husband too. How come you always focus on wives?"

Briefly, I consider strangling myself with my hair.

Wei Wuxian's eyes grow wide, and his mouth drops open.

I close my eyes.

If I can't see it, it's not happening.

"Forget I said that," I said hopelessly.

"A-Xi, you're a cutsleeve?" Wei Wuxian whispered-shrieked.

Fuck. He wasn't going to forget about it.

"Technically, I like both men and women," because - whatever. If I'm digging my own grave, I might as well make as deep as possible.

Wei Wuxian bolted upright. "Eh? _Eh_? That's a thing? Can you - can you do that? Is that allowed?"

"Allowed by who?" I asked. "It's not like there's some sort of moral council that you have to ask before you decide if you like someone. You like who you like. There's nothing anyone can do about it."

"I - I guess? How does it feel to be attracted to men? I've never thought about it before," Wei Wuxian whispered.

I was acutely aware of Wangji sleeping across the room. Buddy, you say that now.

"There's no difference between liking men and liking women," I said. "It feels the same - it's just preferences, I guess. You can like both lotus pods and meat buns without preferring one over the other."

"Oh? Well, maybe, if you're somehow immune to my Shijie, you could marry someone else from the Jiang instead?" Wei Wuxian said. "Say, someone who's charming and handsome and great at talismans?" Wow, he bounced back fast, straight from shock to flirting. That was the protagonist for you.

"No way," I said with zero hesitation.

Wei Wuxian screeched in outrage. "What? Why not? I'm sexy, charming, and funny! I'm a great catch, just ask anyone - okay, don't ask Jiang Cheng, because he'd tell you a bunch of lies."

I can't believe that _this_ was the most extended conversation I'd ever had with Wei Wuxian.

"You're not my type," I said.

It was only a little bit of a lie.

"What is your type, then?" Wei Wuxian demanded.

I sighed dreamily, too drunk to lie. "Nie Mingjue."

Wei Wuxian blinked, and his gaze flicked to the bed, then back to me. "That is - not what I expected you to say. Nie Huisaing's older brother? Why him?"

I pointed at Wei Wuxian. "That man," I said, "Could crush my head between his thighs like a watermelon. His biceps are the size of my head. His abbs have abbs. He is _so_ _hot."_

Do you know when people in my past life used to ask where the beef was? Nie Mingjue had it. Nie Mingjue had the beef. I'd seen him a few times while he was visiting Lan Xichen, and oh my fucking god. Holy fuck. Every time he came around, I had to excuse myself before I got, like, the vapors or some shit. He fit my type so much that it felt like a personal attack on me.

Wei Wuxian's eyes narrowed. "Do you like muscles?"

"Competence is sexy," I said. "Broad shoulders help. That _ass_, too. Mm. Good stuff."

I was a weak, weak human, and Nie Mingjue was _built_.

"How did you know you liked both men and women?" Wei Wuxian asked, clearly fascinated.

"Well, I looked at a guy and thought, hey, I'd suck his dick," I said. "Then I looked at a woman and thought that her boobs were great. It's not that complicated,"

Wei Wuxian let out a bark of laughter, liquor sloshing over his cup, onto his hand.

I looked at the alcohol in my hand, suspicious. I... had not meant to say that. How strong _was _this stuff? I remember being pretty good with liquor in my previous life, but this was a brand new. I was going to have to learn my limits, and, from what I could already tell, it was pretty low.

...Add another point to being one-quarter Lan. The tally was getting worryingly high. I didn't _want_ to be related to that weird old man. He always smiled like he was laughing at me.

"A-Xi! Such language! What would Lan Zhan say?"

"Probably 'Ruizhi. Do not swear," I dropped my voice in imitation.

More laughter. "That sounds exactly like him. Amazing! If A-Xi ever gets tired of being a cultivator, he could become a performer. Y-you," Wei Wuxian's voice cracked. "You - um. You already..."

"What, fucked someone? No," I said. "Not yet, anyway."

Not in this lifetime, or with this body. Another thing I had to take care of. I knew some pretty cool prostitutes in Caiyi town, male and female, and I had plenty of money.

Wei Wuxian leaned in, face tinted pink. "Really? Do you have anyone in mind? A crush? A woman, or a-a man? I promise I won't tell anyone if you do."

I snorted. "Who has time for that?"

"Really? You haven't even thought about kissing anyone?"

"Nope."

With the looming plot on the horizon, I was barely a step away from full-blown meltdown any given day.

Wei Wuxian swung a drink directly from the jug and then leaned his head on his hands, grinning at me with mischief in his eyes. "Then shall Wei-gege volunteer himself, ah?"

Wei Wuxian wasn't serious. There was delight in his eyes like he was telling a joke - as if I would never consider him seriously.

Usually, he'd be right.

There were ten-thousand reasons it was a fucking terrible idea, but fuck if I could remember any of them.

Right now, the Emperor's smile whispered in my ears; it spoke about how soft Wei Wuxian's eyes were in the dim light, how full his mouth, how our legs brushed under the table - each shift a spark that could ignite a fire inside me. A drop of alcohol dripped from the corner of his mouth, tracing a path down his graceful neck and disappearing into the collar of his robes.

God, he was _pretty_.

It was so unfair. I was being personally attacked.

I mirrored Wei Wuxian's pose. "Oh? Is that so?"

"Of course! It'd be a shame if your future spouse was disappointed by the Third Jade's kissing skills! This Wei-gege will, of course, volunteer to be the first sacrifice -"

I didn't wait for him to finish. I reached across the table and captured one of his hands in my own. His voice cut off.

I brought the hand up to my mouth and pressed my lips to it. I glanced up, watching Wei Wuxian through my eyelashes - something my grandmother taught me. Wei Wuxian's silver eyes were wide. His face was bright red.

_Pretty. _

Gently, I turned his hand over and laid another lingering kiss on the inside of his wrist. Temptation got the best of me; I let my tongue flick out to taste the salt on his skin.

Wei Wuxian squeaked and ripped his wrist out of my hands.

I snorted and propped my head on my hands. "You want me to kiss you, but you can't even handle that level of flirting?" I smirked at him. "Shame on you, _Wei-gege_."

He flushed more, the red spreading down his neck, past his color. Mm. It was a good look on him.

Wei Wuxian pointed at me, his other hand cradled to his chest. You'd think I stabbed it rather than kissed it, the drama queen. "You - _you _\- rude! _Rude_! L-lewd and terrible, just kissing someone like that without permission! "

"Sure, sure." I took another sip of emperor's smile. "If you keep yelling, you're going to wake Wangji -"

Wangji.

_Fuck_.

Cold sobriety hit me with the force of a sword pommel to the jaw, dousing the fire of the alcohol. I almost dropped my cup. I felt the blood draining from my face.

I suddenly was very, very aware of Wangji's soft breathing.

What the fuck was I _doing_?

"Yan Ruizhi?" Wei Wuxian asked. "Are you alright? You're pale."

"I'm fine," I said, voice weak. "I think it's time for you to go, Young Master Wei."

Wei Wuxian and I stared at each other in a moment that seemed to last an eternity.

:::

When I woke up, it was with Wangji's hair in my mouth and cold sweat dripping down my forehead. A heartbeat into awareness, and my heart was already racing because - What the fuck. What the _fuck_ was that? The previous night played in a loop in my head.

Flirting with the protagonist! Drinking! _Kissing his wrist_! Aaaahh, fuck! Thinking _things _about Wei Wuxian, something that wouldn't ever happen just because - because what, I _wanted _too? Like that gave me some sort of right to throw myself at him? To get between Wangji and his future husband? Was I stupid, setting myself up for heartbreak? Setting Wangji up for heartbreak? _Hurting Wangji in such a fundamental way?_

I rolled over and tried to smother myself with a pillow. Death was the only way out of this horrible, horrible mistake.

I was never drinking again.

Wangji breathed softly next to me. His hair trailed over my shoulder. I looked at him, still asleep, and let out a trembling breath. I could still feel the hammering of Wei Wuxian's heartbeat under my fingertips.

A grim certainty settled in my heart.

I was getting complacent.

Forgetting my place in this narrative

Namely: _I didn't have one_.

I was student A, Wangji's passing friend in the background; no one of importance. I had to be. Changing anything - everything I changed could _kill someone_.

(...Someone who wasn't meant to die, like Jin Zixuan, or Jiang Cheng's family, or Nie Mingjue - My stomach rolled. I knew more people were destined to die than I didn't. I closed my eyes against nausea. It was just a hangover.

I was _fine_.)

I only needed to focus on my talismans.

Five must've ticked around while I thought because Wangji stirred.

I froze.

Shit.

It was too late to move now.

Wangji turned his head and met my eyes.

He flinched back so fast, and his head hit the wall behind him with a solid thunk. His hand slammed up to his forehead ribbon - only letting out a trembling sigh when he found it in place.

(Ouch. Was waking up next to me that shocking?

...I tried not to take it personally.)

"Ruizhi?" Wangji's face was paler than his wrinkled uniform. "What…"

"Wei Wuxian," I said.

It was enough explanation.

Wangji's jaw clenched in a way I knew meant he was furious. "I will report to uncle."

"We will."

"Ruizhi did not drink."

I sighed. "Ruizhi did. Ruizhi drank more than Wangji did."

He stared at me.

"Wei Wuxian had another bottle, and I was curious," I said, too disappointed with myself to be embarrassed. Saying my reasoning out loud made it sound that much weaker. So fucking stupid. "We'll take our punishments together."

Seriously.

Flirting with the protagonist.

I was a _fucking moron. _

**:::**

Lan Qiren was, predictably, fucking furious.

He had Wei Wuxian dragged out of bed and dragged to punishments before classes even started.

While we were waiting for Wei Wuxian in the courtyard, I took Lan Qiren aside.

I bowed deeply. "This student would like to enter seclusion after punishment, Shifu, to further reflect on my wrongs."

Lan Qiren's frown was audible. "This is your first major offense, Ruizhi. Seclusion on top of the discipline board would be far too harsh. Absolutely not."

Fuck.

My bow deepened. "This student asks Shifu to please reconsider. This one feels that certain - outside influences are distracting this one from his goals. Seclusion would be -"

"Ruizhi, I have made my decision," Lan Qiren said. "You returned to the Cloud Recesses only a month ago. To enter seclusion so soon after such a grueling year would pose a threat to your cultivation. Not to mention with injuries from your upcoming punishment! My answer is final."

_Double _fuck.

I don't get a chance to argue further. Wei Wuxian was dragged into the courtyard by two stone-faced Lan disciples.

"-Don't see why we couldn't do this late, ah, it's far too early for this! Oh, Lan Zhan, A-Xi!" Wei Wuxian waved at the two of us. He seemed to have forgotten all about his embarrassment last night, and I was _pathetically _grateful.

Lan Qiren looked at Wei Wuxian with deep dislike. Yikes. "Kneel, and accept your punishment. Alcohol is forbidden in the Cloud Recesses. You have broken this rule, along with," He sighed. "Yan Ruizhi and Lan Wangji.

He gave Wangji and me a betrayed look. "You told him? Why?" Then he blinked. "Wait, why is Lan Zhan being punished? It was my idea to drink."

"Drank. Will accept punishment," Wangji said.

"But I made you drink! That's unfair! You shouldn't be punished for my actions!"

"Enough," Lan Qiren snapped. "Wangji will accept his punishment. The fault may be yours, but his actions are still his own."

"But, it's not fair -"

"Then perhaps this will induce you to _think_ before you act in such a reprehensible way. Your actions have consequences on the people around you," Lan Qiren said. Wei Wuxian flinched. "Something that you still need to learn. Kneel and accept your punishment, Wei Wuxian."

Mulishly, Wei Wuxian knelt between Wangji and me.

I sat straight, ignoring Wei Wuxain's existence.

The discipline courtyard looked different from on my knees. I'd walked through it countless times, but this was my first serious breaking of the rules. Other disciples watched from the edges, still and quiet.

The punishment began.

_One, two, three, four - _

The stone was smooth and cold under my knees. I kept my body relaxed, moving with the blows. Wangji knelt on my right side, his back straight; His eyes were distant. The only sign of pain was his hands clenched on his knees.

I shook my head on the inside, breathing through another blow. On Wangji's other side, Wei Wuxian made little pained noises. The disciple beating him wasn't holding back. One of Wangji's fans upset at seeing his idol brought low, perhaps?

_Breath in. Breath out. _

Lan Qiren watched the beating from beginning to end. His blank face was good, but I was used to Wangji level neutrality. I could read the pain in his eyes. He didn't like doing this any more than _I_ liked being beaten. Still, he was a teacher and an elder. He could be partial when it came to classes, but punishments were set in stone.

The few exceptions: the very young, the dying, and the pregnant would have their sentences reduced. In exchange, they were forced into seclusion. Family members and spouses could also offer themselves up to share the punishment because it shows familial love and piety.

Lan Xichen, standing to the side, obviously wanted to offer, but sect leaders and sect heirs weren't permitted to share punishments. It was a rule that came from the fact that it could be viciously abused if it didn't exist. Even GusuLan has its share of in-fighting, and Wangji's branch of the family didn't always lead the sect.

I counted the strokes. Each crack of the discipline board against my back felt like a brand of fire. It rolled over my body like a wave breaking on a shore—a natural ebb and flow of liquid fire. The pain was an old friend by now. I'd been punched, bitten, burned, cursed, broken bones, and, on one memorable occasion, impaled. The pain was inevitable, and one had to be able to work through it. The discipline board hurt, but compared to being impaled - it was bearable.

By now, I could simply treat it as background noise. Unimportant.

_Ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen -_

Instead, a question: could I, with enough practice, make healing myself a natural response?

My golden core rotated slowly in my chest. It felt like a globe of warm light, layer upon layer built up gradually over a lifetime. A golden core was - indescribable. Having one meant that I was never really cold or tired. I carried a light inside me.

(If it went out -

The very thought made me want to vomit.)

Over my years of night hunting, I'd been hurt countless times. Each time I healed, I imprinted the gesture, the will of it, on my core. It wasn't sentient - but it was part of me. I didn't like pain, and I wanted it to stop. I wanted it - and therefore, my core wanted it.

Carefully, I let go of my careful control, like relaxing a clenched fist.

The tiniest wisp of spiritual energy drifted off my core. It was thinner than spider silk and twice as fragile. Still, I followed it closely, never touching it, never guiding it. The golden thread drifted through my veins. It was moving towards my back, achingly slow.

The plank came down again.

Twenty, Twenty-one, Twenty-Two.

Like a warm breeze, the thread reached my back. A startled breath escaped me at the sudden cessation of pain.

It worked.

A giddy, bubbling feeling rose up inside me.

Perfect.

After the punishment concluded, Lan Xichen gave us a sympathetic look. "I think a half-day for classes could be arranged. You might visit the cold springs?"

Wangji executed a perfect bow. "Wangji will obey."

"Take Young Master Wei as well, won't you?"

"Cold springs?" Wei Wuxian asked.

Lan Xichen smiled. "A special place reserved for GusuLan direct disciples. They promote healing and clear the mind."

"I could use some healing. I can't believe you just told your uncle about A-Xi and me," Wei Wuxian complained at Wangji. He held his body stiffly. "How mean, how boring, how stuffy! Don't you know how long this will take to heal? If you just kept quiet, none of us would've gotten punished, ah!"

Wangji remained stoic. He took a step back when Wei Wuxian stepped closer.

Wei Wuxian gasped, looking mortally offended. "Lan Zhan, are you ignoring me? How cruel!" He slumped neatly into my arms, like a fainting maiden. "A-Xi, your friend is so mean to me! You must tell him off, ah, don't let him get away with this! Rudeness is forbidden, or something."

I looked down at my armful of Wei Wuxian and felt myself make a face. I don't know what face I made, but it sure happened. His hair trailed across my hands, and it still felt like raw silk. He met my gaze with eyes like silver coins in the light, and I could almost taste the liquor on my tongue again. I dragged my gaze down, landing on his soft-looking mouth.

I could kiss him.

...I'm going to brain myself with a rock. It's the only way. Rip me, Wangji gets all my shit. If I lived in a culture that did gravestones, I'd make it say 'here lies Yan Xi, a total moron who doesn't listen to his stupid advice.' Embarrassment skittered up my back like a spider, and I can feel both my face heating up and the cold of Wangji's attention on the back of my head.

My only salvation was that Wangi remembered nothing from last night. He doesn't have any memory of me, _Flirting! With! The Protagonist!_

Wei Wuxian is not for kissing.

Wei Wuxian is not for anything!

"Please remove yourself, Young Master Wei," I said, voice strained. I wanted to drop him on his ass, but there were still people around and - well. I doubt he knew how to heal himself. He still had to be feeling the effects of the beating.

I may not want to be around Wei Wuxian but also didn't want to hurt him.

He'd have enough of that in the future.

Wei Wuxian pouted and wrapped his arms around my neck. It brought our faces very, very close together. There were flecks of dark gray in the silver of his eyes. "Ah, don't treat me so coldly, A-Xi? Aren't we already so close?"

_Too! Close! _

"Wei Ying," Wangji said, voice low and warning. "Shameless!"

Lan Xichen almost frowned. "Young Master Wei, that is a bit inappropriate."

Wei Wuxian laughed. "It's fine, it's fine! A-Xi is strong enough to hold us both up! Must be all that sword work, right?"

Wei Wuxian then proceeded to _feel up my bicep._

Wangji went deathly still. I swear the temperature dropped a full ten degrees.

Wei Wuxian seemed too absorbed _feeling me up_ to notice. Dude, you're going to get me chord assassinated if you don't quit it!

I know I started this game of gay chicken last night, but I admit my defeat!

Wangji had a-Rockin' bod, on top of being straight-up the prettiest Lan to ever Lan. Please turn your attention that-away!

"Wei _Ying_," Wangji bit out.

Wei Wuxian seemed to realize what he was doing, feeling me up in front of all the fucking disciples, Lan Xichen and _Lan fucking Qiren,_ because he dropped my arm like it burnt him, and sprang back from me. He glanced at me and flushed red enough to match his ribbon.

He coughed, folding his hands behind his back. "U-uh. Yeah, those are some arms, alright!"

I stared at him.

What the fuck.

Wasn't Wei Wuxian supposed to be shameless? Who was this flustered creature before me, the one showing off how pretty his flush was?

_I'm_ the one who got groped, so why do _you_ look like a harassed maiden?

_Who are you, and what have you done with Wei Wuxian?_

I watched as Wei Wuxian proceeded to babble about how good I smelled, how good Wangji smelled, how smart I was, how talented, how nice (_nice_?!) I was, and how surprisingly sexy I was for someone so cute, how capable with a sword I was, etcetera. Wei Wuxian looked progressively more horrified about the things coming out of his mouth.

I felt for him.

I was _also _horrified.

It was like watching a train wreck. An embarrassing, flattering, train wreck of compliments directed at me - and Wangji sometimes - but mostly at me. It was surreal. I couldn't stop him any more than I could turn off gravity. My limbs and head felt ten times heavier than they should be.

Was this shock?

Was I having a heart attack?

I only flirted a little bit! How was he this much of a mess?

Wei Wuxian, you are a genuine, Hanguang-jun approved snack! People _must _have flirted with you before! I know that _you _have flirted with people before!

_What was going on?_

Protagonist, are you _going to be okay? _

Wangji's spine grew straighter, and his chin was raised with each word that dropped out of Wei Wuxian's mouth.

My head felt too light, and I felt dizzy. Was this how I died? Murdered by the hand of my best friend because his man decided to mack on me? If Wangji kills me in a fit of _husbandly rage_, I'm going to haunt the fuck out of Wei Wuxian. I never went through a calming soul ceremony, and I could do it.

"-and you can stop me anytime now!" Wei Wuxian said, slightly out of breath. He looked like he wanted to bury himself alive.

_Hard the same! _

Wangji bristled like the world's most beautiful hedgehog. "Shameless! Utterly shameless!"

"Yes," Lan Qiren said, his voice like ice. "Quite so."

Lan Xichen's eyes flickered between Wangji, Wei Wuxian, and I. His mouth was pursed - unsmiling for once.

"Hm." He said.

Fear greater than anything I'd ever known filled me. Hm? What _hm_? _Why hm_?

Wei Wuxian buried his face in his hands. "I know," He whined. "I know. Just give me my punishment and put me out of my misery."

My entire head felt like it was _on fire_. Wangji stood like a stone obelisk, radiating rage. He stepped forward and moved between Wei Wuxian and me so that I couldn't see Wei Wuxain at all.

Lan Qiren looked at me, and I stared back at him.

"Seclusion," I pleaded, as a prisoner might beg for mercy.

_Please help me, Lan Qiren; you're my only hope. _

Lan Qiren glanced at Wei Wuxian with distaste. "I suspect that would be for the best. You are dismissed, Ruizhi. As for you, Wei Wuxian -"

Thank god.

I escaped.

**:::**

Erhu Name: 妒忌盲 - Dijuwang - to envy the blind (to be jealous of the shortsighted, to go along with the farsighted 智 Zhi in his name)

妒忌 - dùjì - to be jealous of (sb's achievements etc.) / to be envious / envy

盲 - máng, wàng - blind; unperceptive, shortsighted

Guqin name: 留恋 - liúliàn - reluctant to leave / to hate to have to go / to recall fondly - referring to his reluctance to leave the lan, specifically wangji, which is also the name of wangj's guqin! It's sappy as hell! I love it.

**:::**

*waves* hey long time no write. irl decided to kick my ass for several weeks in a row, and i've been in and out of the hospital for at least a moth (not covid, just my body being jacked up) and also i have exams like every week now. so that's fun. i finished this instead of doing my homework.

you're welcome.

if anyone wants progress or extra stuff, i usually answer questions on my tumblr! it's the same name there and here and pretty much everywhere i'm at, honestly. drop by, say hello!


	8. Fam

**Chapter 8**

**Fam**

**:::**

I spent the rest of the guest lectures in seclusion, confined to my Jianshi. The only time I really left was my study time in the forbidden library or practicing my sword forms.

It was _paradise_.

No one talked to me, not even servants. I was self-sufficient enough to do my own laundry and cook my own food. No one whispered about that stupid Thrid Jade bullshit. No one bullied me into babysitting their sticky children. No irritating juniors following me around in a poor attempt at being discreet. Just me, my projects, and the occasional visits from Wangji and Lan Xichen to spar.

Wangji came in on one particular morning with a crease between his eyebrows that seemed confused. In his arms, he held a pair of rabbits, one block and one white.

I blinked at him.

"Wei Ying..." He said. His ears went red. He offered up the pair to me.

Okay, so maybe Wei Wuxian wasn't all bad all the time. The sight of two tiny rabbits just chilling in Wangji's careful arms was beyond adorable. It was like being punched in the gut with sugar. Ugh. Affection for my friend welled up inside me.

I liked Wangji so much it was _embarrassing_.

"Pets are forbidden," I said, propping up my head on one hand.

Wangji's ears tinted red. "Not pets."

"No?"

"No. Friends."

I laughed. "Well, I suppose I can't argue with that. Introduce them to me. Any friend of yours is a friend of mine, after all."

Wangji gave me a tiny smile and did so.

They were soft and adorable for pets. I didn't like animals any more than I liked children, for much the same reason - I could barely take care of _myself on_ a good day, much less anyone else. I didn't want anyone relying on me who couldn't do the same.

These were Wangji's rabbits, though. Therefore they were already in good hands and absolutely not my responsibility. I could tease and play with them sans guilt.

"Do you have names for them?"

Wangji inclined his head. "This one is Jade. This one is Hop."

Jade and Hop seemed content with sniffing around the table.

"When did he give them to you?" I asked.

The plot was chugging along.

Wangji's lips pressed together. "Two weeks before..."

"Before Wei Wuxian cold clocked the JIn sect heir," I said. "And got booted out on his ass."

Three weeks after I went into seclusion, Wei Wuxian got expelled. It was a fight with Jin Ziyuan, being his typical '_open mouth insert foot_' self and showing off his inability to person enough to get through a conversation about his future wife. Lan Xichen actually winced when he relayed the story to me. He wouldn't repeat whatever it was that Jin Ziyuan said.

JIn Ziyuan's negative charisma check vs. Wei Wuxian's love of his shijie: fight!

Of course Jin Ziyuan lost.

Wei Wuxian was the protagonist for a reason.

Wangji tilted his head in acknowledgment. The line of his shoulders hunched just the slightest bit, and he didn't even tell me not to swear. His gold eyes shifted, looking into the middle distance. I could read the disappointment in them, reluctant and stifled as it was. Wangji had been subdued ever since Wei Wuxian left - he couldn't hide it from me.

He was already gone on Wei Wuxian. Already in love.

My presence hadn't made a difference to the plot.

That was good.

Right?

I looked down at the rabbits, obviously fat and happy. One of them wandered up to me and fearlessly butted up against my hands, demanding pets. Wangji deserved to be happy - but his love for Wei Wuxian would only hurt him. This love of Wangji's would make him furious and confused, then worried, then miserable and bereft.

Thirteen _years of_ mourning.

I could say something. If I were any friend, any good person, I would - warn him, give Wangji a hint at least. Kickstart their stupid romance.

If I was a good person…

I looked at my best friend, my only friend. Wangji, with his peerless beauty and his untarnished goodness, thought about him being dead. It felt like being stabbed—first, the shock, then the white-hot pain.

In the book, Wangji lived. He was alive to mourn; he raised a son; he was happy in the end. If Wangji died -

The only thing that's changed about this story is _me_. Even if his death had nothing to do with me, even if it happened a million miles away, even if no one ever blamed me for it, it doesn't matter! I would know.

I'm a coward.

So I don't say anything.

**:::**

Unfortunately, every good thing ends. Two months after the guest disciples finished classes, Lan Qiren summoned me to his office with a grave look on his face. I assumed my sabbatical - I mean, _seclusion_\- was over.

I bowed at the threshold. "Grandmaster."

"Ruizhi," Lan Qiren sat at his desk, grading paperwork. "I trust you have reflected properly?"

"This student has, Grandmaster," I said.

Seclusion away from the plot and cannon characters was restful. Ten out of ten would drink and get in trouble again.

Lan Qiren gave me a flat look. "The time for the discussion conference at Qishan has come. You and a select few others shall be attending."

My stomach dropped. "Grandmaster?"

Of course, I knew the Qishan conference was coming up, in a background capacity. Lan Xichen often spoke of preparing the juniors for it when he visited and training himself.

Also, Jin Zixuan kept writing to me for some reason? His letters were mostly complaining, bragging, and panicking in turns about his canceled marriage to Jiang Yanli. The dude had it so bad, and he didn't even realize it. When he wasn't talking about his not-fiance, he was talking about the upcoming conference.

It wasn't that I wasn't paying attention, but it just… didn't really have anything to do with me?

Every single time a discussion conference or tournament came up, I tried to be busy elsewhere. Conferences were a pointless waste of time meant only for showing off and boasting. It had nothing on real night hunting.

All that attention - sect leaders, arrogant brats, _parents with daughters of marriageable age_\- focused on me?

My skin wanted to crawl off my body at the thought of it.

Lan Qiren _knew that_.

He sighed. "It is time to show yourself to the cultivation world, Ruizhi. You can remain confined to Gusu for only so long."

_Watch me, _I thought mutinously. I intended to save the library, do the war thing, and retire to be a librarian in Gusu who never talked to anyone. The last thing I wanted was anyone knowing my name. The third Jade thing was a setback, but I was willing to work around it. I had faith in my bland face and meticulous, boring personality!

"This student does not have confidence in his ability to represent the sect," I said.

Aka, if you force me into this competition, I will lose it badly, without shame or remorse.

Lan Qiren gave me a flat look. "I gathered as much. You will not be required to participate in the competitions, but you must put in an appearance. I have been getting many questions about you since your year of night hunting."

...I just, like, really shot myself in the foot with that, didn't I? I still don't get what was so great about it! It was my job, which was identical to every other cultivator's job.

_Why_?

_Why was it such a big deal?! _

Why was the cultivation world so full of contradictory dickhead gossips? Why couldn't everyone just mind their business? Why couldn't I time travel and slap my past self for being a naive idiot?

"This is non-negotiable," Lan Qiren said.

_Mrrgghh_.

I bowed stiffly. "This student hears and obeys."

If I didn't have to compete, it _might be_ bearable.

Probably.

Maybe.

...Fucking _politics_.

My Qi fire talismans needed testing. I might be able to irritate a Wen sect member into using Qi fire on me and test it a bit. I was the youngest of six; I had faith in my ability to irritate anyone I wanted!

...Wait, didn't Shuaye-ge write that he was going to be in the area of Qishan in his last letter?

A plan began to form in the back of my mind. Shuaye-ge could probably get the technique for me. My fourth brother was sneaky enough.

"If the Grandmaster orders it, this student will follow," I said with another bow, much less stiff this time.

"I'm sure," Lan Qiren said, voice dry. "Go find Wangji. He will help you prepare. The conference is in three weeks."

I salute and leave the room, plans already forming in my mind. If I was going to get Shuaye-ge's help, I needed to have something to bribe him with. He would probably help me _anyway, but_ … all my elder brothers were a little strange.

They got…. enthusiastic when I asked them for help with things. Weirdly enthusiastic.

(I asked my second eldest brother for embroidering threads when I was ten. He came back with a small fortune in silk thread. I mentioned that I liked cats to my third brother. He brought home an entire litter of spiritual kittens. Da-ge had to be talked down from buying me an entire stable for my eleventh birthday and pouted at me until I accepted one pony.

It was weird. _They were_ weird. Even after years, I wasn't used to dealing with them.

Thank god for Gusu.)

My brothers always went overboard - that was the main reason I tried not to ask them.

A bribe to not go overboard would be a good idea.

The first stages of a particular talisman flickered in the back of my mind.

That would work.

Yes, that would work just fine. Three weeks was long enough to get the basics done if I started right now.

We'll save the 'irritate a wen into using qi fire on me,' or Plan B, for another day.

I had some research to do. To the library!

**:::**

Qishan was, in a word, stifling.

In two words?

It was _fucking hot_.

Sure, my golden core was strong enough to make me immune to harsher weather, but it was the principle of the thing! I felt like I was breathing _soup. The_ air was so thick. I'd never been up this far because Qishan was a muggy, horrible place that looked like something out of a comic book villain's lair. I stuck to the Gusu territories and the area around my little village.

I wasn't repeating the Koi Tower incident.

"Qishan, huh. Charming," I said to Wangji, looking at the large steps leading up to the Wen sect stronghold. "So understated and tasteful."

Wangji shifted a bit, mouth pulling up slightly. He thought it was ugly too. Compared to the Cloud Recesses, anywhere was ugly, though. I longed to submerge myself in one of the cold pools. Seven days of dealing with other sects, feasting, stupid games, and wishing I was elsewhere.

I was already tired of it.

"Best behavior, Ruizhi," Lan Xichen said, though I could hear the mirth in his voice.

At the head of the long train of Lan disciples under twenty who wanted to compete, rode Lan Qiren as the acting sect leader. Lan Xichen rode a bit behind him, and Wangji and I were a bit behind him. Wangji was there because he was a direct descendant, and I was there because he didn't want to ride alone the whole way. Also, because I was Lan Qiren's only direct disciple under twenty - but mostly because of Wangji.

GusuLan was one of the last to arrive on the scene. I kept my head high and my gaze forward, ignoring the other cultivators and the mass of civilians in the humbler seats. I felt their eyes crawling over my skin like spiders. Whispers and shouts followed our path.

I wish I could convince myself they were only looking at Wangji.

"A-Xi! Lan Zhan!" A bright voice called over the noise.

Wangji went still.

I closed my eyes and prayed for a swift death. Was it not enough to be surrounded by probably-hostile, definitely-stupid teenagers? Did I also have to deal with the main character? I could still hear him rambling about my 'nice arms' in my nightmares sometimes. Must I suffer?

Apparently so!

Wei Wuxian came bounding over like an excited puppy, dragging Jiang Cheng and an older girl I didn't recognize like leaves caught in an undertow. My steady mare flicked her tail at his approach. The red of the Wen uniform looked just as good on him as it did on Wangji.

God, I hated being a hormonal teenager.

"A-Xi! Old man Lan finally let you out of seclusion? I didn't think he'd leave you to rot for so long!" Wei Wuxian said, beaming up at me like he'd wasn't a blushing, stuttering mess the last time we talked.

Guess that's why he was the protagonist.

If he was willing to ignore it, I would do the same. "Young Master Wei, Sect Heir Jiang, and…"

Wei Wuxian only laughed and pulled on my sleeve. "Come down, come down, you have to meet my Shijie properly! You too, Lan Zhan!" I had no choice but to dismount or be wrenched from the saddle. Wangji followed a moment later, standing at my right hand to match Wei Wuxian on my left.

"Wei Wuxian," Jiang Cheng hissed, just catching up. "Will you stop being an embarrassment for once in your life? Don't go running around bothering the other sects!"

Wei Wuxian ignored him to beam at Wangji. "It's been a while! I was so lonely, Lan Zhan. No one would challenge me at all, and certainly, no one was so pretty to look at! I even invited you, and you never came!"

The tips of Wangji's ears went red. "Shameless."

I rolled my eyes on the inside. Like Wangji wasn't paralyzed with indecision when he thought about visiting Lotus Pier. He never worked up the courage in the end. Every time he chickened out, I had to deal with him playing sad guqin songs in my room for hours.

"How come you don't have to wear a uniform, A-Xi?" Wei Wuxian asked. The red of the QishanWen was bright against his skin.

"I am not competing," I said. "And don't call me A-Xi."

"Eh? Why not? A-Xi is A-Xi. You should compete! I promise that I won't laugh at you if you're terrible!"

Wangji stiffens at my side. I glanced at him and shook my head. He didn't need to get offended on my behalf.

"There is little point," I said.

Wei Wuxian blinked. "Sure, there is! Winning a competition proves your skills, your place among the top of the cultivation world." He grinned slyly. "Not to mention all the pretty girls who notice you!"

The thought of it sent me into a cold sweat. I could handle the Third Jade title, if barely. It was meaningless in the long run. I planned to disappear into the depths of the Gusu library as soon as it was saved. Let the fame and glory belong to someone else. I would keep my head down and do my job. People would forget about me.

Right?

"Shameless," Wangji hissed, shifting to partially blocking my view of Wei Wuxian. Deja Vu.

"Wei Wuxian!" Jiang Cheng snapped. "I will drag you back to my father if you don't behave. Beside him, the Famous Shijie

I push Wangji out of the way, gently.

"Like I said," I folded my hands behind my back. "LIttle point. I do not desire fame, glory, or attention. My family cares little for such things because they belong to no sect. I do not plan on courting until I am twenty. I do not need a place at the top of the cultivation world. As for fun... I believe we have different definitions."

That was a problem for me. Right now, I had a plan, and I was sticking to it.

Wei Wuxian tilted his head. "You don't seem to want much, A-xi."

"I am a simple person, Young master Wei," I said.

It was even true. I just wanted to be left alone.

Wei Wuxian laughed. "Lying is forbidden. Shame on you, A-xi."

Rude.

"Mm," Wangji said.

_Rude_!

I glanced at Wangji, offended. That was definitely a noise of agreement. What was this betrayal, Wangji? What on earth did I do to make it so you would side with Wei Wuxian? I wanted to be left alone with my books; it wasn't that complicated!

It was simple! I worked hard at being simple!

Wangji met my eyes stoically. "Ruizhi is not simple."

Wei Wuxian snickered.

I sniffed and looked away from Wangji. If he was going to be like that, see if I cheered for him in the competition.

I hope Jin Zixuan beats _both of_ you.

"A-Xian," The girl broke in for the first time, a gentle smile on her face and a spark of laughter in her eyes. "Introduce me to your friends."

Wei Wuxian blinked, then grinned at her. "Sorry, Shijie! A-Zhi, Lan Zhan, this is Jiang Yanli, the best person in the world, and my shine! Shijie, this is A-Zhi and Lan Zhan! "

"You moron," Jiang Cheng said. "Jiejie, these are the second and third Jades of Lan, Lan Wangji, and Yan Ruizhi. Lan Wangji and Yan Ruizhi, this is my elder sister, firstborn of the Jian, Jiang Yanli."

"Maiden Jiang," I said, bowing. "It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Maiden Jiang. Your brothers often speak well of you."

Wangji echoed my bow. "Maiden Jiang. Pleasure."

The famed Jiang Yanli had a smile like a warm breeze. She was pretty, with dark, soft hair, kind eyes, and a gentle face. When she smiled, her nose crinkled up, and it was adorable.

...In what way was she plain? Was that peacock _blind_? Jiang Yanli was at_ least an_ eight on the cultivator scale. "There is no need for such formality, Young Master Yan, Young Master Lan. A-Xian has told me so much about both of you; I feel as if I already know you. Please feel free to address me by name. You as well, Young Master Lan."

I blinked, genuinely startled. "That would be far too forward of me, Maiden Jiang!"

"Mm," Wangji said.

Though her cultivation might be low, Jiang Yanli was a lady born and bred. Someone like me, without any real cultivation background, addressing her informally was - beyond thinking about. Wangji might be able to get away with it, but I absolutely would not. Not to mention that she was my elder!

Absolutely not! I refused!

"I insist," she says with a smile that dripped fondness.

Shit. I could already feel my resolve weakening. The - the kindness practically radiated off her.

This was going to be trouble.

Jiang Yanli was _exactly as_ nice as advertised by her brothers - it was like talking to a female Lan Xichen.

I, like an asshole and a coward, had a certain weakness for genuinely kind people. I - admired them. It took a lot of effort to be kind, to choose to care about other people, and it was an effort that I just couldn't sustain.

Jiang Cheng snorted. "What's rude is refusing my A-Jie's grace. If she says it's okay, it's okay."

I hesitated, sweating, because - I didn't want to make friends with any more canon characters. I knew too many already! A glance at Lan Xichen watching this little by play from a bit away, amused, showed no help would be coming from that quarter.

Jiang Yanli smiled at me with that same patient smile, like she could wait an eternity for my inevitable capitulation.

_Scary_.

Salvation came from an unexpected source.

"Xichen!" A voice called out, catching my attention.

Oh shit. Oh fuck. Oh _no_.

Wasn't I already suffering? Why must the world test me?

Lan Xichen smiled and finally joined the conversation. "Mingjue."

Nie Mingjue joined our little group with ground eating strides. He was tall, built, and handsome as always. His biceps strained at his clothes when he slapped Lan Xichen on the back. His dark eyes flicked over the group. "Wei Wuxian, Jiang Wanyin. Huiasang mentioned he was looking for you."

Jiang Yanli said something I didn't hear - I was too busy ogling Nie Mingjue. He was even taller and broader than the last time I saw him. My head barely reached his chest. His arms were the size of my legs. His biceps were very, very obvious under the thick fabric of his Nie uniform. I could _feel my_ IQ dropping.

Nie Mingjue turned and bowed slightly to her, giving me a perfect view of That Ass. I choked. His clothes did nothing to hide Nie Mingue's assets.

_Hng_.

Boy hot.

Boy _super_hot.

Abort, abort, abort!

I ripped my eyes away from Nie Mingjue's beef; I found Wei Wuxian grinning at me. I felt my face heat up. I couldn't help it! Nie Mingjue wasn't just a snack; he was a full course meal!

I was _weak_, okay?

Looking Wei Wuxian dead in the eye, I drew my thumb over my throat. If he breathed a word to Nie Mingjue, I'd beat his ass so hard he'd _wish he'd_ ended up in the burial grounds.

Wei Wuxian's shoulders shook with silent laughter.

I elected to ignore him in favor of whispering to Wangji. "My brother is around here, and I promised to meet him. Tell Lan-[honorific if he asks, okay?"

Wangji nodded, already used to me dipping out from social situations. "Do not get in trouble."

I snicker. "No promises."

I left as the rest of the group focused on the Manly Arm Clasp Lan Xichen and Nie Mingju exchanged.

Lan Xichen beamed. "Mingjue! How was the trip over?"

Nie Mingjue shrugged. "Same old same old. The Wen sect doesn't change."

The mood abruptly dropped.

Awkward.

Time for me to leave! Wangji had to stay because he was important. I, on the other hand, had a previous appointment to keep.

Ah, the joys of being a background character.

**:::**

Twenty paces. I made it twenty paces before I was captured in a politeness vortex again. This time by Jin. What was the technical term for a group of Jin cultivators anyway? A gossip of Jins? An embarrassment of Jins? An ambush of Jins?

It...Probably the last one. They seemed fond of it, and I felt pretty fucking ambushed at the moment. Jin Zixuan and his posse decided they just had to get all up in my business.

I really wished there was some way to stop tripping over Sect Heirs. Why couldn't they take a page from Nie Huisang's book and avoid me at all costs? He was my favorite - after Wangji, of course.

Jin Zixuan looked down his nose at me, his natural arrogance amplified by having his clan around him. "Yan Ruizhi."

"Jin Zixuan," I said.

One of the interchangeable Jin lackeys bristled. "Who gave you permission to address our sect heir in such an informal way, your dog?"

Motherfucker, your precious heir started it! I sure as hell didn't want to be in such an informal relationship with the heir of the sect I like least. He was the one who kept looking for me. I was innocent!

Jin Zixuan scowled at his lackey. "Shut up."

The lackey flinched back into the ambush of Jins. One more anonymous face in the crowd.

I was horribly jealous.

"My mother wanted to meet you before the ceremony," Jin Zixuan said to me. "She's waiting for us."

...why?!

Sansheng! You are! Useless!

**:::**

There was literally no way to refuse a personal invitation from Madame Jin politely, so Jin Zixuan dragged my unwilling carcass all the way up to the sect leaders' area.

"What does your mother want to speak about?" I asked Jin Zixuan, sotto voice.

"I have no idea," He said just as quietly.

Fuck.

A pause.

"You were speaking to Maiden Jiang," Jin Zixuan said.

I gave him a bright, plastic smile. "Was I."

He cleared his throat, opened his mouth, and hesitated. He cleared his throat again and gave me a look.

Bitch, you're leading me into a _trap_. You don't get the good gossip!

Jin Ziyuan can _suffer_.

Only pure will and social conventions kept me from breaking through the ring of horrible Jin disciples and booking it.

Lan Qiren would be in the box. If I could just get an SOS to him somehow, he could send me back out without ruffling anyone's feathers. Or Nie Mingjue! Lan Xichen liked me, and Nie Mingjue liked Lan Xichen! He'd probably help me if I looked pathetic enough!

We arrived at the box, and my hopes withered like a ghost in the sunlight. Wen, Jiang, and Jin were present, but Lan blue was absent. Lan Qiren wasn't in there yet.

Fuck.

Neither was Nie Mingjue.

Double Fuck!

There was no escaping my fate. Madame Jin had already beckoned us inside. Only Jin Zixuan and I entered. The rest of the ambush was left out in the cold. I could feel hateful stares following me the whole way, jealous of the special attention. They were all morons, and I desperately wanted to be among them.

The only bright spot was that Jin Guangshan was also missing. I spotted a flash of gold up in the seat Wen Rohan - ahhhh - selected, sitting above everyone else, before I tore my eyes away. Oh god, I was way too close to the plot. My heart was in my throat.

Okay. Okay, plan time.

I was: Polite. Meaningless. A bit stupid. Shallow as a puddle.

I could do it! I had faith in my own willful ignorance!

I wanted to scream.

"Mother, I brought him," Jin Zixuan said.

"Yan Ruizhi," Madame Jin said, her voice cool. "Hm," She said. "My son speaks highly of you. You assisted him with some of his tasks at the cloud recesses?"

My eyes flicked down to the Jiang sect below, looking for Jiang Yanli for a split second.

Yeah, you could say that.

Okay, time for my least favorite sport: competitive lying!

Also known as polite small talk.

I bowed at Madame Jin again. "This one is grateful for the Madame's kind words. Sect Heir Jin was most," UH, think of a compliment quickly! "- dedicated to his tasks. It was a pleasure to assist him."

Madame Jin's face softened the slightest bit. "I see. You seem like a nice boy. Thank you for assisting my hopeless son. It seems that my husband has been bothering you as well? If he ever crosses the line, you come to me, and I'll set him straight."

Hahaha, no fucking way. I wasn't touching any Jin business without a twenty-foot pole and riot gear. Getting between Madame Jin and her gross husband sounded like a good way to get shanked.

"Madame Jin is most generous," I saluted again.

Madame Jin looked even more pleased. "You will come to join us in the Jin tower seats. The view from there is much better than down here."

Jin Ziyuan shifted, obviously uncomfortable. "Mother, Yan Ruizhi already has plans elsewhere."

"Oh?" Madame JIn looked at me.

I take back almost everything I've ever thought about you, Jin Ziyuan. You are a god amongst men.

I seized the lifeline with both hands and bowed deeply. "This one is truly sorry to say that he made plans in advance. If it were not an errand from this one's own Grandmother, this one would have been happy to stay. May Madame Jin not be offended, and extend an invitation another time. This one would be happy to accept then."

After a long moment, Madame Jin sighed lightly. "You are a filial child. If it is for your grandmother, I suppose there is no helping it. I only wanted to meet you and make sure our Ziyuan was making the right type of friends, but it seems there is no worry."

Since when was I friends with Jin Zixuan?

I didn't say anything.

Madame Jin looked at me. "You will attend to my son's next party, and we will chat."

It wasn't a question.

Hahaha, fuck me.

I bowed again. "This one would be honored."

**:::**

Okay. Leaving that terrible conversation and all it's horrible implications behind me!

First things first: I desperately needed to test my Qi fire talismans against actual Qi fire. I had a viable talisman array. I thought so, anyway. It worked against normal fire.

The problem was that I couldn't be sure.

To protect the library, I _needed to_ be sure.

(If I was right, perhaps I could sow it into Wangji's robes. It was the tiniest part of the story I could affect, the least bit of protection.

I had_ to be sure._)

I waited politely on the edge of the training ground, hands folded behind my back. Anxiety made my fingers itch for my newest project, so I pulled out my newest project.

I worked hard on my stitching skills so that the Gusu Tailors would teach me a few more protection arrays. I already knew a few of the simpler ones, such as warding off dirt or malicious intent. I wanted to work up to making something stab-proof, like a bulletproof vest, cultivation style.

I ignored the glances my stitching earned me.

I understood that most cultivators looked down on civilians and 'girlish' tasks, like cooking, sewing, and cleaning up after themselves. You know, despite most cultivators eating and wearing clothes and being toddlers who can't pick up their own shit.

I don't get it.

Anyway. My head was an adrenaline riddled mess, and I deserved to stab some fabric! Fuck respectability!

The training grounds were sparsely populated, but the few Wen I saw didn't impress. They couldn't be new, but their training was half-hearted at best. I don't think I'd even need to draw Sansheng to defeat them.

It also took them too long to notice me. How did they night hunt with such poor spatial awareness? A few of the Wen disciples broke off to approach me. A group of four approached me, scowls on their faces.

"Spying on us, Gusu-mongrel," The leader drawled. He was ahead, taller, and a few years older than me. Handsome, in an aristocratic slimy meathead sort of way. "Who exactly gave you the guts?"

I gave him a perfect bow, smiling pleasantly. Trying to intimidate me with sword skills like that? Please. Trying again when you're at Wangji's level. "Espionage and dishonesty are forbidden, Young Master Wen."

Bro, even if I wanted to spy on you, you don't have anything worth spying on. A hundred of you might scratch Lan Xichen's clothes if he was having an off day - but I doubt it.

The Wen was all about quantity over quality.

The Wen cultivator laughed. "The famous rules of GusuLan. Is it true that you'll suck cock for anyone that takes your precious forehead ribbon? You're pretty enough, even though you talk like an old book."

His lackeys pull in behind him, nasty smiles on their faces.

...I've heard a lot of rumors about forehead ribbons, but that was a new one.

My smile doesn't flicker. "This one is unsure of what you mean, Young Master Wen."

The guy reached out. "Let me _show you_, Lan."

I have a split second to consider.

Should I let the guy take my forehead ribbon?

This Wen cultivator's personality wasn't _great_, but you didn't have to like someone to sleep with them. His face was a solid seven on the cultivator scale. He was tall and broad, even if his sword skills were lacking - and maybe his terrible sword skills worked in my favor anyway. If he tried to incapacitate me, I could deal with him and his friends without breaking a sweat. No real problem, and I'd benefit...

Wangji would disapprove, but Wangji wasn't _here_, was he?

He was off with Wei Wuxian.

If Wangji got to flirt with his gay crush, I don't see why I couldn't sleep with a random Wen I was never going to see again.

The Wen's hand stopped a fraction of an inch from brushing my forehead ribbon. He looked down at me. "What, not going to resist, little Lan?"

I looked up at him through my eyelashes. "Perhaps Young Master Wen should put his money where his mouth is?'

The young man blinked - and flushed a pretty pink.

Hm.

I tilted my head. "Young Master Wen? Were you not going to show me… something?"

And add slight breathiness for effect! The Wen cultivator went from pink to red. "I- I -" He glanced over his shoulder at his minions as if looking for help. Unfortunately, they were just as dumb as they looked and only gave him confused looks back.

This guy had no idea how to flirt with a dude, did he?

Well. Guess he was going to find out.

"Ruizhi, what _are you_ doing?" A delighted voice broke through the tension.

I blinked, and the Wen blinked, and both of us looked up to find my fourth brother grinning at us. His hair was done up in a crown with the QuishanWen flame pinning it up. He had an elaborate scabbard I'd never seen before strapped to his waist. His robes were deep red, the flame of the WEn clinging up his sleeves, denoting him as a branch member of the Wen bloodline.

Standing behind him like a soldier in parade, the rest was his twin and my fifth brother. Who was also wearing Wen colors?

….?

The Wen flinched back like a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar. "Wen Shuaye! Wen Hefeng! I was - What are you doing here?"

_Whomst?_

Shuaye-ge bowed. "Forgive this one for interrupting, Young Master Wen Chao. Your lady was asking for you and ordered this one to inform you."

I carefully did not react.

Wen Chao.

I'd flirted with -

I'm going into seclusion, and I am never coming out. Clearly, I can't be trusted by myself.

Wen fucking Chao straightened, braggadocio swiftly returning. "Of course, my JiaoJaio misses me. You two - take care of the Lan."

He turned tail and strode off at a pace just short of a run, his lackeys following a step behind him. He was as built in the back as he was in the front, and I was going to wash my brain out with bleach.

Shuaye-ge grinned at me. "So."

"No, shut up," I interrupted. My younger sibling's alarm was going off.

Shuaye-ge ignored me, of course. "Little A-xi is all grown up and seducing Sect Heirs away from their terrible concubines? Laolao is going to be so proud. Though, your taste could use some work, Mouse. You'd get bored Wen Chao in an hour. He's a spineless little worm."

"I wasn't seducing anyone."

He slung an arm around my shoulders. "Sure looked like it to me. Feng-er was our youngest seducing a sect heir."

The tiniest smirk crossed Hefeng-ge's face. "Looked like it."

Ugh.

_Brothers_.

"Why the hell are you two idiots wearing Wen robes?" I elected to move past the seduction bit. The two of them were impossible to argue with because they always backed each other up.

Shuaye-ge practically lit up. He twirled in a circle to show off his robes. "You like them? Personally, I thought it was a bit much, but there are so many Wen branches. Nobody even noticed two more! It was almost insultingly easy to infiltrate."

I blinked. "So you got..."

I hesitated. This wasn't something I wanted to ask out in the open, especially in Qishan. I sketched a muffling talisman in the air and felt it settle over us like a warm blanket. It was hellish in the humid air of Qishan, but needs must. Being overheard here would be a one-way ticket to deadsville.

Shuaye-ge gave me a long, amused look.

I bristled. "What? Did I do it wrong?"

He shook his head, then ruffled my hair violently. "You're ridiculous as always."

"Ge, stop!" I fended him off.

My hair would take forever to get neat again!

"Never mind, never mind. Feng-er, bring the scroll, would you?"

He does, slinging his arm around my shoulders. I rolled my eyes inwardly. All of my siblings loved to treat me as a convenient piece of furniture, just because I was the youngest generation by a large gap. Between the little cousins, nieces, and nephews running around, I felt like I spent all my time at home acting as furniture.

Hefeng-ge was the quietest of my brothers, barely speaking when he had Shuaye-ge there to speak for him. He messed up my hair, too, before handing me an innocuous-looking scroll.

I went to open it, but a hand over mine stopped me. I looked up and met Hefeng-ge's eyes, utterly serious.

"I know you can take care of yourself. You wouldn't ask for something like this if it wasn't serious," He said. "What's going on, Ruizhi?"

I considered, for one moment, lying to them. They wouldn't push.

...I couldn't. Not when they risked their lives to get the information I desperately needed, not when they stole a family technique from one of the most powerful cultivation clans in China on my request with only a few week's notice.

Besides, they were my _brothers_.

I wanted them safe.

"A few months ago, a Waterborne abyss appeared in Caiyi lake," I said softly.

The same conversation with Lan Qiren. It had the same effect because it was still true. Hefeng-ge tensed against me.

"Caiyi town is famous for having strong swimmers," Shuaye-ge murmured. "Caiyi town is also downstream from Qishan. I heard some bad things, but I didn't think it was at this level yet."

"We can pull you out of Gusu," Hefeng-ge said quietly.

I can't say I wasn't tempted. To just - leave. To go and not deal with the obvious war coming. I wanted that, desperately.

But.

The library. All those books, all that knowledge. The thought of losing all that history made me feel _sick_.

I had no choice. I needed to test out my talismans. I _had to_.

The library depended on it.

(Wangji's _home depended_ on it.)

"GusuLan has the best library in the cultivation world," I said. "I don't think Wen Ruohan would let that go."

"...He does," Shuaye-ge said, exchanging a glance with his twin.

Having something better than the Wen sect was unacceptable to Wen Rohan.

The twins sighed in unison.

"Should have known it was about the books," Shuaye-ge said.

"We tried," Hefeng-ge shrugged. "Da-ge will just have to deal."

What does Da-ge have to do with anything? I glance at the two of them, suspicious.

"What about Da-ge?"

They exchanged another resigned look.

"He worries," Shuaye-ge said. "Why did you decide to come to this stupid conference anyway, Mouse? You hate these things."

I made a face but accepted the subject change. "Grandmaster Lan said I had to come."

Hefeng-ge tilted his head. "Huh."

"Trust me; I don't get it either."

Hefeng-ge shrugged. "No, I got it. I just didn't expect it to happen this soon."

"Didn't expect what to happen?"

"Obviously, he wants you to make connections while you're here," Shuaye-ge flashed an obnoxious smile. "A sect leader's right-hand needs them, after all."

I rolled my eyes. Everyone in my family kept teasing me about becoming the next Lan Qiren just because I liked to study. Even my cousins and their parents picked up on the in-joke.

Just because I liked to read didn't mean Lan Qiren wanted me to make me his heir. That position will obviously go to Wangji in the future. Once Wangji gets to be, and I say this of all my affection, less of a bitch, he would prove to be an amazing teacher. When I had trouble with the Gusu techniques, Wangji always explained them very well.

Hefeng-ge rolled his eyes. "Still dead set on being a nobody, little brother?"

"Absolutely," I said.

Shuaye-ge laughed. "Well, you're doing a terrible job! Mr. Third Jade of Lan."

_Ugh_.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," I said firmly.

When in doubt: Deny, deny, deny.

"Oh, I had something for you," I dug through my qiankun pouch for my newest talisman.

"Something for me? Little brother, you didn't have to get me anything," Shuaye-ge's voice was delighted despite his words.

I handed him one of the talismans.

"What does this do? I've never seen it before."

I smiled. "I made it. Watch this." I closed my eyes and placed the talisman against my chest. A burst of spiritual energy later, and I felt my body shifting. It didn't hurt because of the numbing agent worked into the talisman.

When I opened my eyes, I found my brothers staring at me.

"Ruizhi," Shuaye-ge said slowly, "Did you invent a talisman that changes your gender?"

His voice was utterly delighted.

"Uh," I said. "Yes?"

Because I did, it seemed like the most useful thing for a spy. Men were always stupider around pretty women. Shuaye-ge wouldn't have a problem dressing up as a woman when the grandmother showed us how to do it.

"Oh gods," Hefeng-ge pinched his nose. "Like we don't get in enough trouble?

Shuaye-ge clutched the talisman to his chest. There were stars in his eyes. "I am going to get so_ much blackmail_. You are my favorite brother."

I am starting to get the impression that I have made a mistake.

**:::**

I sulked by myself in the stands, stabbing at my embroidery more violently than strictly necessary. My brothers were so annoying. Eventually, they left but not before teasing me about literally everything from my hair to my stupid reputation.

The last details on colorful wings formed under my hands. A tiny flock of sparrows flying across a dark blue blanket. It was a gift for my second brother's third child, currently expected in one or two months. Truthfully it was a bit too fancy for a baby, but hey - it wasn't like the baby would care. It was purely for my own vanity that it was as complicated as it was. _I liked_ it.

A shadow fell over my seat. I glanced up to find Jiang Yanli and an older lady in costly clothes standing over me.

"Maiden Jiang," I said, startled. I stood up and saluted her. She stopped me before I got halfway down, one pretty hand resting on my arm.

"There's no need for such pleasantries," She said. "I had no idea you practiced embroidery."

"It is a useful skill, Maiden Jiang," I said.

"I have no doubt. I confess I have very little proficiency in such things myself - my only real accomplishment is being above average in cooking," Jiang Yanli admits. Her sheepishness was adorable.

Seriously. JIn Zixuan must be _blind_. It was the only explanation.

"Young Master Wei often spoke about your cooking. He had nothing but praise for it," I said.

Jiang Yanli's whole face went soft. "Ah, that child. Please, don't take his words to heart - he exaggerates so often."

I sweated. Okay, I didn't like the air in here. The older lady was staring down at me with brutal intensity. It reminded me of my grandmother when she forgot to hide her intense nature. Her painted mouth was pursed. Her expensive hair ornaments glinted in the light, and so did the silver bracelet wrapped around her wrist.

I had a sinking feeling I knew who she was.

"A-Li, introduce us," the lady said.

Jiang Yanli smiled. "Of course. Young Master Yan, this is my lady mother, Madame Yu."

Man, I fucking hated being right.

Please don't be weird about me as your ward. Or your son. Or your daughter, now. Or you entire damn sect - you know what?

Please just be _neutral for_ once. Please? I'll love you forever.

Madame Yu looked down on me as I might a bug under a microscope. That was encouraging! Sort of! I mean, it kind of seemed like she was going to squish me under her heels, but at least she wasn't thanking me for being friends with her son?

"A-Li, inform the servants. Yan Ruizhi will be joining us."

Eh?

Jiang Yanli bowed her head. "Of course, Mother."

I stared at the two of them, searching desperately for an excuse - any excuse. There were none. I was stuck. If I was rude here, Lan Qiren might take away my forbidden library privileges.

What was with sect leaders' wives and making offers I couldn't refuse?

"Come along then," Madame Yu turned and sailed away, the crowds parting around her.

I watched her quickly retreating.

My peace and quiet...

Jiang Yanli gave me a sweet smile. "It will be alright, Young Master Yan. Mother only seems intimidating. She only wished to get to know you. Madame Jin has nothing but praise for you, and Mother values her opinions highly."

Ah. So Madame Jin said, 'my son is friends with this boy' and Madame Yu decided to pump me for information about Jin Ziyuan.

That's just…

I can't win.

I smiled, though I was screaming on the inside. "Thank you, Maiden Jiang. Please lead the way."

**:::**

**Hey, it's the fam :)**

**Yan Shuaye: ninja, bro. 23 years old. yrz might have once explained the concept of an information network that spanned the continent (aka the internet), and he just kind of took it and ran (oops). Enjoys getting paid to be a nosy bitch. Most like a mother. Sneak level 1000. Single.**

**刷 - shuā - to brush / to paint / to daub. 烨 - yè - blaze of fire / glorious**

**Yan Hefeng: soldier bro. 23 years old, younger twin of ninja bro, the yan that inevitably took to being a soldier. Most like their dad. he used to carry yrz under his arm like a football. Best swordsmen among the siblings. Single.**

**和 - Hé - harmony, peace; peaceful. 风 - fēng - wind; air; manners, atmosphere**

::::

i **edited out like 2000 words of this monstrosity lol. merry Christmas and happy holidays. here's my gift to you :)**


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